Page 100 of Please Don't Leave Me

She huffs, "I'm glad you're letting me see you. All of you."

The phone rings in her hand, and someone answers on the other end. Lou talks to the receptionist, who forwards her to the vet.

LOUISA

I walk through a sterile feeling hallway lined with doors. The tech leads us into a room on the left, opposite the one where we talked to the vet a few hours ago, with hopes that Pepin would be okay. We walk through another hallway and enter a room that is somehow less welcoming than the hallway. Of course the operating room needs to be this way, but I never imagined walking into one under these circumstances.

There he is. My baby. My Pepin.

I reach back and grasp Sam’s forearm, unable to move closer.

“It’s okay; you can come up and touch him.” The tech’s voice is sweet and encouraging, clearly having done this several times.

My hand is over my quivering lips, and I can already feel my face soaked with tears. I’m surprised there’s anything left in there.

Seeing him lying there like this isn’t what I expected, though I hadn’t actually put much thought into this. He’s covered in a polka-dot fleece blanketfrom the neck down. All you can see are his head on one end and his fluffy tail poking out the other.

I walk up to the table, still squeezing Sam’s arm. At some point, his other arm came up to rest on my shoulder, which is also shaking. Or is it Sam’s hand that’s shaking? I can’t tell.

I reach out and pet his soft head that I’ve kissed too many times to count. I lean down and kiss the face I’ve held in my hands many times as I look into those big dark eyes that I know were staring back at me, into my soul. Pepin always had a way of making me feel seen, especially the times I felt most lonely.

Getting this dog was the best decision I ever made, and I honestly don’t know if I’d be here today without him.

“Hey, Pep.” My voice cracks, my throat tight and hoarse from crying. I take a peak over my shoulder; Sam’s now standing a few steps back, giving us a private moment.

I look back down at my baby, who I hardly recognize with the tube down his throat. But if I close my eyes and lay my head on his, I can almost pretend we’re snuggled on the couch back at the apartment.

I gently stroke his soft ear as I whisper to him. “I just wanted to tell you how much I love you.” An uncontrollable sob breaks loose. “And I wanted to thank you. You know what for.”

I know he doesn’t—because he’s unconscious—but I can feel him nuzzling his head into my neck the way he always does. I can hear his soft, deep bark. I can see him running through the park, well, more like frolicking.

I can’t tell if it’s a laugh or a sob, but some kind of noise comes out of me. I bury my face into his neck, letting his fur soak up my tears. “Goodnight, Pepin. I love you.”

It's beena few hours since we got home from saying goodbye to Pepin. I can't even say his name without crying.

Eventually, I crawled out of Sam's loving arms, though I could have stayed there for the rest of my life. He makes me feel so safe, so protected. I can't thank him enough for his support. I could not imagine going through this alone.

I know I wouldn't survive it.

Sam and I are sitting on a blanket on the floor of his living room, having a picnic. After I finally released him from my tearful clutches, he went to the kitchen and brought back fruit, cheese, and crackers. He also made us each a mixed drink, and I asked him to make mine extra strong.

We've talked for a while, and my tears have slowed. But my mind continues to race. So many thoughts flooding my brain. So many things I want to say while, at the same time, I don't want to talk at all.

I take a sip of my drink, then take in a big breath. Looking at Sam, I swallow my pride and decide to do something I should have done a long time ago.

"I feel dumb making this comparison, but all that's happened with Pepin has had me thinking a lot about Jacob. I know losing a pet is nothing compared to losing a brother, but there's something I want to talk to you about."

"Lou, do not minimize your grief for my sake. I know how much Pepin meant to you."

"That's the thing, I don't think you do."

He looks at me with curious eyes.

"I mean, you know that I adored him and spent a lot of time with him. You know that I got him after my break upand that he helped me feel less lonely when B wasn’t around. But there's more that you don't know..."

Chapter Thirty-One

LOUISA

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