Page 101 of Please Don't Leave Me

Sam still gives me that same questioning look.

"Pepin didn't just bring me comfort and happiness...he saved my life."

I take another big sip of my drink, trying to calm my nerves.

“I need to tell you about the time I tried to kill myself,” I say in a hushed and embarrassed tone, knowing full well he knows nothing of what I'm about to tell him. This conversation has been weighing heavy on my mind for months now, but I need to tell him. No more waiting.

I'm holding my breath for what seems like minutes, waiting for him to respond. In reality, it's probably only been a couple of seconds.

He sits up a little straighter. “Okay.”

He pauses, waiting for me to continue. But I can't seem to get the words out.

"You don't have to if you don't want to," he reassures me.

My body heats like a furnace, and I can feel the sweatrunning down my sides. The baggy sweatshirt I’m wearing does nothing to soak it up.

"Well, I don't particularly want to, but I think it's important for you to fully know what you're getting into with me.

"I'm all ears, Lou."

I take in a deep breath that strains my lungs and let it back out. Lifting my glass to my lips, I take a sip, letting it burn on my tongue for a moment before swallowing. I start at the beginning…

I tellhim about that night. How the thoughts swirled in my head and how my world went dark. How nothing was in focus, nothing seemed real or right. I explain to him what happened at the cabin with Tony. I tell him about meeting Erin at the charity ball and how even though that was an amazing opportunity, it scared the shit out of me about the exam. I tell him about feeling alone and unaccomplished. But most importantly, I tell him how Pepin saved my life.

Sam, bless his good heart, sits and patiently listens to it all. I don't think he's said a single word the whole time, and I feel so seen, so heard. His face doesn't hold any judgment, nor does he look like he wants to run. He holds my hand, rubs my back when I struggle to get the words out, and holds me as I break down.

So tell me why I just finished, and I'm sitting here panicking, waiting for his response.

We now sit face to face again, and he's holding both my clammy hands.

"I'm so sorry you went through that alone."

"I wanted to tell you sooner, but I kept getting scaredyou would leave me. And I would still understand if you didn't want to deal with all of that."

"All of that? You mean all ofyou? Lou, I said it this morning because I meant it; I love you. And that meansallof you."

"But you didn't know about this part of me."

"That's true. But Lou, I'm 27. I've lived enough life and known enough people to know that everyone has parts of them that they don't show everyone. I knew there would eventually be things we'd have to work through. This is something that you've been painfully struggling with alone. But now you have me, and I want to be there for you."

I sniffle, and he lifts his hand to wipe the tears from my cheeks, kissing one then the other.

"But you've lost someone you love like this already. Doesn't it terrify you to be with someone who has similar struggles?"

"Of course it does."

I knew it.

He continues, "But I'm also terrified that you'll die in a car accident on your way home. I'm terrified that you'll get some grand job offer and move away, leaving me behind. I'm terrified that you'll never share the same feelings I feel for you. There are a lot of things about you that terrify me, and all of them have to do with losing you. This is no different. Could it be something we deal with for the rest of our lives? Yes. Does that make me want you less? Absolutely not."

"But..."

"I'll say it a million times until you believe me or until you know what these words mean to me. I love you, Lou."

I get choked up again because only in my dreams did I think this conversation would go like this. My chin quivers,and I close my eyes because the sight of him makes my heart want to burst. I feel his arm engulf me, and he tucks my head into his neck.

His touch, his scent, his warmth. It's like a drug. One that makes everything else fade away and transports me to a place where nothing can hurt me.

---