Page 44 of Please Don't Leave Me

Everyone looks over at me, shocked by what just came out of my mouth.

Joel is frozen, likely afraid I’ll call him out on his bullshit in front of other people. And he should be afraid; I’m done playing the nice guy.

"Sam, don't talk to me like that. I know you're sad but–"

“You didn’t know shit about Jacob, and you are literally the last person he would have ever gone to for help.”

His eyes get big, and I can tell he’s pissed. “Sam, I think you need to step out for a moment and collect yourself.”

“I can’t stand by and listen to you pretend you were a perfect dad who cared about his kids. Because you were awful, especially to Jacob. And maybe if you hadn’t beensuch an ass to Jacob all the time, he’d be here to tell you this himself.” I swallow and take a second to question what I’m about to say. No, he deserves this. “Fuck you, Joel. I tried to make peace between all of us for years, but I'm done. You’re never going to change.” I pause again, my breathing ragged and heavy. He just stares at me with a smug look on his face. “I never want to see you again.”

I don’t hear him try to make things right with me as I walk out, because he doesn’t. He never will because he’s too prideful to ever admit his faults, and his children have never been worth fighting for.

I glance at my jacket, and I almost grab it but decide to leave it. I don’t want anything in my closet to remind me of this day.

“Come on, Quinn, we’re leaving.”

“You don’t have to tell me twice.”

We stop and hug Mom briefly before we leave. I'm sure she's embarrassed by my outburst. Only a small part of me feels bad. “I’m sorry about the scene, Mom.”

“Don’t be. Someone has needed to put that prick in his place for a while now.” She reaches up, places her hand on my jaw, and rubs her thumb over my cheek. “Thank you.”

Chapter Thirteen

LOUISA

B and I are driving back home again with Pepin for Christmas. My parents love him, and sometimes I'm afraid he'll "go missing" before I have to head back to the city.

Since it’s a quick turnaround between the holidays, I haven’t spoken to my parents much since Thanksgiving. I’m nervous they’re going to ask about Sam. They don’t know his name, but I guarantee my mother hasn’t forgotten the fact that I was clearly texting someone all day, someone who made me smile a lot.

I’m sure as hell not going to tell her about Matt. My parents are very open-minded, but even that situation would be confusing for them.

Matt and I met up for drinks after Thanksgiving, and it was great. We met at a lounge, and this time, it wasn't one he owns. Afterward, we went back to his place, and he helped me forget all about Sam. Multiple times.

But at the end of the night, I went home alone. Matt has a strict no-sleepover rule, so I went home at 4am and snuggled Pep.

A couple of weeks after that, I went to a club with B and some of her coworkers. It was fun, but I kept looking around, half hoping to run into Sam and half terrified that I would. B kept feeding me shots, and I almost went home with someone. But that didn’t work out because I threw up in the bathroom instead. I feel like I’m still recovering from that night.

I don't know how B goes on work trips and does this every night for weeks at a time. She's built differently. I’m not just talking about her iron will to rally; I also wonder how she always seems so strong. More than once in the weeks since Sam ended things, I’ve cried myself to sleep from loneliness. Some might even call it despair because, late at night, my thoughts tend to spiral. I wonder if I’ll ever find someone. The doubts start creeping in about my ability to be loved, and sometimes, I even start to wonder if I’ll be capable of achieving my career goals.

These thoughts take over, and I’d do anything to shut them up. Almost anything… I just want to know that everything is going to be okay. Sometimes, it feels like nothing will turn out the way I always planned it would. Sometimes, I just want to give up and start over.

“Do you want to go sledding with some people when we get home?”

I glance over at B, who, for a moment, I forgot was sitting in the passenger seat next to me. “Tonight?”

“No, probably sometime tomorrow. There’s a big group chat going on. You’re in it, but you obviously can't look at it right now.”

I haven't been sledding since I was a kid, and it doesn't sound all that fun, but I have nothing going on, and it wouldn't hurt to see some old friends. “Yeah, sure.”

“I’ll let them know to count us in.”

The next day,we get bundled up and head to the big hill behind the high school. I didn't know we still had sleds, but B found some buried in the attic. We brought a thermos full of coffee with Bailey's. It's mostly to help stay warm, but I also need a little liquid courage for the social aspect of this outing. Liam, Evie, and Iris are usually great buffers for this sort of thing, but their family is doing Christmas out of state this year.

B runs ahead to greet a group of friends, leaving me to trail behind.

"Hey, Lou."

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