Page 45 of Please Don't Leave Me

I barely recognize the voice; it's familiar but different. I turn around and see my high school boyfriend, Bear. He's still as cute as he was then; he just has more muscle and facial hair now. Sort of like a sexy Paul Bunyan.

It's been a while since I've seen him. The last time was at Evie and Liam's wedding, where he was the best man, but we barely spoke. In theory, it shouldn't be this awkward, but my anxiety is getting the best of me.

"Hey, Bear."

Barrett Michaels was my boyfriend from the end of my freshman year to the winter of my sophomore year. He was a year ahead of me in school, so he was a junior when we ended things. Shortly after, he got together with his now wife, Olivia. They made sense together. He was a star athlete, and she was the class president. They were a power couple.

"I didn't know you'd be here." He has an unsettled energy about him, like he's just as nervous to see me as I am to see him. Why would he be nervous? He's got the dreamlife. I'm the loser who's single and hasn't reached my career goals.

"B dragged me along." My hands are in my pockets even though my mittens are thick enough to keep them warm. We're standing only a couple of feet apart, so I can see him well, even though this side of the hill is mostly dark.

"How have you been? Are you still living in the city?"

"Good, and yes, I've been there since I graduated last spring. How are you?"

"Well....you know..." He looks down and kicks a snow chunk on the ground with his boot.

I actually don't know, so I just look at him and wait for him to elaborate. I don't keep up with what my high school classmates are doing unless they are someone I see regularly or they post a lot on social media.

"Oh, you didn't hear?"

I shake my head, still confused.

"Olivia and I split up. I guess divorce is the more accurate term."

He's still looking at the ground, clearly uncomfortable.

"No, I hadn't heard. Is it recent?"

"It became official a few weeks ago."

"I'm really sorry to hear that, Bear." Without thinking about it, I reach out and touch his arm, trying to be comforting.

At my touch, he lifts his head and looks at me. I can see that he is holding back tears. It's obvious this is still very fresh for him. It makes my ending with Sam seem like a joke. I can't imagine being divorced at 25.

"Thanks. It's been hard, but life is starting to get back to normal."

"That's—" I'm cut off by a scream coming from over by the hill. It startles me, and I turn around to see where it'scoming from before realizing that it's just someone sledding down the hill. Sledding, right. That's what we're here to do.

I use this as a segue to any other topic, but it's because I don't know what else to say to him. I'm curious what happened, but it’s none of my business.

"Want to go down the hill with me?" He doesn't appear to have a sled, so I hold mine up. It's small, likely meant for one person, but we could probably fit both of us on it.

His mouth stretches into a smile, and he nods. "Sure."

We walk up the hill, and I realize it's much bigger than I remember. I can't believe I'm getting winded halfway up.

When we get to the top, I try my best to suppress my heavy breathing so he can't see how out of shape I am. I put the sled on the ground where there's an indent in the snow from weeks of kids sledding here. It's packed down, making it slick, so I take my time getting on.

Bear reaches down to hold the sled steady. I sit down and adjust myself as far forward as possible to give him room to sit. This sled is so small I'm honestly not sure he'll fit behind me with his long legs.

I wedge the heel of my boots into the snow to hold the sled steady for him now. He starts to sit and realizes the same thing I did: we're not both going to fit. He kneels down in the snow behind me, legs straddling the sled.

"Here, lift your arms." He leans forward, puts his hands under my arms, and lifts them gently. I'm not entirely sure where he's going with this.

I'm holding my arms up awkwardly with my back to him when I feel the sled shift slightly from his weight. Next, I feel something slide under both my arms. It's his legs. I realize that he's wrapping his legs around me so he can use the small sliver of sled behind me for his butt. He is very close to me right now, and I'm not sure how I'msupposed to feel about this. Why didn't I think this through?

Once he's seated, he scoots his hips forward, close to me, and I can feel his bottom pressed against mine. His arms wrap around my chest, under my upper arms. My elbows are resting on the outside of his arms and thighs.

---