Page 47 of Please Don't Leave Me

The devilish grin on Robby's face makes me roll my eyes because I know something dumb is about to come out of his mouth.

"Bear, that's a little sad if it only takes you two minutes."

Bear quickly grabs a chunk of snow off the top of my car and throws it at Robby.

"All right, all right! I'll get out of here."

Robby leaves, and Bear leans back into me, resting his hands on the car behind me. I can't help but chuckle, and I lean into his chest to suppress it. I know he's laughing too, by the way his chest shakes.

I pull myself off of him and lean against my car. "I really should get going."

"Alright, if you must." He leans in and places one soft yet firm kiss on my lips, and I kiss him back. "I'm glad I ran into you, Lou."

Smiling up at him, I admit, "Me too. And who knows, maybe if we're both still single at Christmas next year, things may play out a little differently."

The bed creaksas I roll over on my side and sling my arm around Pepin. I haven’t been able to fall asleep yet. My mind keeps shuffling through a rolodex of worries that have been accumulating over the past six months. Since my life got flipped upside down, I don’t recognize myself. I like this new version of me, but it’s still unfamiliar territory, and I worry if I’m doing the right thing by straying so far from my original path.

Kissing Bear tonight only made me question things more. It was nice to feel desired by someone again, but it didn’t feel the way I know it should. I keep comparing it to how I felt when Sam kissed me. I did the same thing when I met up with Matt, though I was able to deny it since I know things will never go anywhere with him.

Why do I let these men have such control over my emotions? I need to focus on what I can control. And right now, that’s my career. I need to study my butt off for my licensure exams so I can achieve my dream of becoming a licensed architect. That I’m good at. That I can do. Then I’ll know that not all hope is lost, that I may actually have a chance at being happy someday.

SAM

“Can you pass me the salt, honey?”

I reach over and pass her the salt grinder. My mom and I are in the kitchen cooking dinner. This year, Mom, Quinn, and I decided to celebrate Christmas at my house, just the three of us. Understandably, Mom didn’t want to host our extended family this year, so I offered to have it here.

I figured having it at her house would bring up too many memories of Jacob. She got our childhood home in the divorce, so all of our Christmases have been spent there since we were kids. That's the home where, for 28 years, Jacob opened presents, ate Mom's cooking, and watched Christmas movies with us.

She’s been struggling a lot since Jacob died. Quinn and I have been trying our best to help her, but it's been hard with her living on the complete opposite side of the city. She’s been staying with me all week, and I told her I would do all the cooking, but she insisted on helping. Quinn isn't the best cook in the world, but he's good at baking, so we put him on dessert duty. I'm in charge of the ham, and Mom is working on the sides.

For a moment, it almost feels normal. For a moment, I can just pretend that Jacob is in the other room and that the rest of our family is on their way over.

The snow is ruthless outside. I'll have to get up early tomorrow to complete a few jobs, so I'm enjoying my time with my family now while no one else needs me.

I check the meat thermometer and turn off the oven. "Ham just needs to rest for a bit, and then we're ready." Mom is just finishing up mashing the potatoes while Quinnsets the table.

After the ham rests, I pour everyone a glass of wine, and we sit down to eat. I take a moment to look around. The fireplace is roaring, Christmas music plays in the background, snow falls outside the big window in the dining room, and my family is here. All the family I need.

I feel a sense of peace in the simplicity of our meal. No stress, no fuss, no chaos. I don't know why we didn't start doing holidays like this sooner, and I think my Mom is feeling the same way. I can tell by the way she smiles at me, like this is the first time in a month that she has felt at peace.

She mouths to me, "I love you," and I say it back.

The Christmas playlist I have on starts playing 'Holiday' by Lil Nas X. After about 30 seconds when the song really gets going, Mom looks at me very confused.

"What kind of Christmas song is this?"

Quinn and I look at each other and crack up; a few seconds later, we are all belly laughing, almost in tears. To be fair, it came on right after 'I'll Be Home For Christmas' by Amy Grant, so it was quite the contrast.

We haven't laughed like this in a long time, and it feels good. Sad...but good.

Later tonight, we'll open presents and watch a Christmas movie. Mom's favorite one is Elf, so of course, we'll watch that one. Quinn won rock paper scissors to pick the second movie and chose Love Actually. He and I debated back and forth over whether or not it was a Christmas movie. In the end, Mom sided with him, and I lost. Honestly, it was just nice to have some normalcy, so I don't care what we watch. Plus, that movie is actually pretty good. But I would never admit that to Quinn.

Chapter Fourteen

SAM

It's New Year's Eve, and Quinn is DJing a big event at a club downtown. I haven't been out in a while, so being around people will be nice. I'll mostly be hanging out with Quinn's newest plaything, Brian, since Quinn will be up in the DJ booth most of the night.

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