Page 51 of Please Don't Leave Me

She nods to confirm she heard me that time and gives me a thumbs up.

I walk toward the stairs and look back to find B spinning in circles by herself, dancing without a care in the world. I smile to myself because I wish I could be that happy. I mean, I'm happy in this moment, but I want to be that happy a majority of the time. B seems to have cracked that code, but I can't seem to figure it out. These days, there seem to be more bad days than good.

When I reach the stairs, I have to dodge a few peoplecoming down as I make my way up to the roof. At the top is a steel door labeled "Roof Access. Please no jumping; you can't fly." I laugh even though that is a horribly morbid thing to be laughing about. For a split second, I think about how freeing it would feel to fall from that high. I bet all my worries would go away in that freefall.

Jesus Christ, Lou!

I open the door and instantly feel the cool air freeze the sweat on my skin. Fuck, I should have brought my jacket up here. Where is my jacket anyway? Whatever, I won't stay out here that long. Wouldn’t want to get tempted by the ledge.

Daniel’s rooftop has a bunch of heaters for people to gather around. Thank god. I needed some fresh air, not to catch hypothermia. I go to stand by the one that is the least occupied since I'm pretty high and don't want to have to converse with anyone. A man stands there alone, someone I don't recognize. I stand on the opposite side, trying not to be awkward.

"Aren't you freezing in that tiny little dress?"

I look down at myself and see pebbles all over my bare legs, and acknowledge that my mid-thigh length dress is doing absolutely nothing to keep me warm. "I couldn't find my jacket. I'm just getting some fresh air for a second, and then I'll head back in to warm up." I didn't want to sound stupid and admit that I didn't think to bring it.

He sets his drink down on the ledge of the heater and starts to shrug off his suit coat.

"Oh no, you really don't have to do that."

He pauses and looks at me, confused. "I was just taking it off because I was getting warm."

My skin heats as I realize he wasn't about to offer it to me. I'm an idiot. I close my eyes andscrunch my face, nodding. That ledge sounds pretty tempting right about now.

He laughs, and I open my eyes to confirm he's laughing at me. Then, he holds out his jacket. "I'm just messing with you. I insist you wear it as long as you're standing out here."

I want to be polite and pretend to refuse it, but I am freezing and don't want to risk him rescinding his offer, so I reach out and take it from him. I throw it over my shoulders and wrap it around me. I pull it tight near my neck, which brings it close enough for me to smell his cologne. It smells so good and reminds me of...Sam. My heart sinks, and I'm worried about how the drugs are going to make me react to something that has repeatedly made me sad.

Before I think about it for too long, I make eye contact with the stranger again and get a good look at him. He's tall and handsome, probably in his early 30s. The attraction is there, but I can't quite get a read on him. I would definitely go home with a stranger tonight. What better way to round out my wild evening than a one-night stand?

Just as I'm about to get the courage to move closer to him, another man walks up to us. He puts his arm around the stranger who gave me his jacket and kisses him on the cheek. "Honey, are you already taking your clothes off? It's only 1:00am."

Oh my god. I can't believe I was just about to hit on a gay man. That rejection would have had me digging a hole and burying myself alive in it or maybe jumping off the roof. I am so grateful his partner walked up and saved me from that shame. The first man smiles and laughs at his partner, gesturing toward me. "The poor thing was about to turn into a popsicle."

"Honey, that jacket is not going to save you. Your legs are turning purple; get back inside."

He points at my legs, and I look down again to see that my legs really are turning purple. I really should go back inside. I take off the man's jacket and hand it back to him. My arms are frozen again, and I can't get inside soon enough.

"Thank you for lending it to me."

I don't even wait for a reply; I sprint for the door as best as I can in these heels. The door flings open right before I get to it, and someone else steps outside. I wait for them to pass through the door and then step inside. The heat hits me like a wall of fire, and I feel myself starting to thaw. But I'm afraid I am so frozen to my core that it'll take a miracle to fully warm up here.

My head starts to ache, and I can tell the drugs are starting to wear off. I need to go home and go to bed before this wonderful evening starts going downhill.

Before going back down the stairs, I use my vantage point to search for B. I spot her grinding between a guy and a girl. I can't make out who it is, but I'm assuming I don't know them since I don't know most of the people here.

I mark her location in my brain and make my way down the stairs. The dance floor is way too packed for anyone to get through, so I cut my losses and decide to just text her. I let her know I'm heading home and to let me know if she plans to crash here for the night so I'm not waiting up for her. I send it and try to track down my coat.

When I unlockthe apartment door and open it, Pepin is there to greet me. I bend down and pet him, giving him a big hug.

"What are you still doing up? I thought you would be passed out in my bed by now."

I shut the door behind me and lock it. B texted me saying she has already claimed one of Daniel's spare bedrooms for the night and will be staying there, so I don't bother leaving it unlocked for her. That also means I won't feel obligated to stay up and wait for her.

I'm still really cold, so I walk to the bathroom and turn on the shower. I strip out of my dress and thong and step under the hot water. I release a big sigh at the warmth I feel running through my body. Again, this is probably the drug talking, but this feels amazing. It feels like a big, warm body wrapping around me and keeping me warm. I, oddly, start to get a little horny.

I have an idea! I jump out of the shower and quickly run naked and soaking wet to my room to grab something. I return merely seconds later with my silicone vibrator that I remember is waterproof. I select the setting I like and hop back in the shower. I got a little cold running to my room and back, so the hot water warms me up again, feeling like an embrace.

You know you're lonely when warm water turns you on. It's an all-time low for me. I push those thoughts aside because I need to take care of myself right now, and I can't have that kind of negative talk in my head if I want to get off.

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