Page 55 of Please Don't Leave Me

I want to burn every textbook that ever caused Jacob distress, shred every assignment that he gave up sleep to finish, and tear apart every notebook full of information he didn't even care about but felt pressured to learn. In the end, I recycled what could be recycled and threw what couldn't.

After I go through all his school stuff, I move on to his personal effects. Medical information, student loan mail, banking information, and cards that he kept.

I glance through the cards to see if there's anything my mom may want to look at and notice a piece of loose leaf paper stuffed into an envelope that was way too small for the letter it contained.

My heart stops.

We never found a letter from Jacob, and at first, I hope that this is it, that maybe we can get some answers, even though we think we already know most of his reasons. I drop the cards and open up the unsealed envelope, pulling out the letter.

I suck in a big breath and brace myself for more tears when I realize it's not a letter that Jacob left for us; it's a letter that I wrote Jacob years ago. He kept it. I remember writing it when I was a freshman in college. Mom had sent me envelopes and stamps because she thought sending mail was still as big of a thing as it was when she was in college. I never used them until one day, I got bored and wrote a few letters to send, just for fun. I wrote one to my mom, one to Quinn, who was still living at home, and one to Jacob, who was off at a different college.

The letter isn't anything special. No grand secrets or exciting information were revealed. It was just a simple letter written on notebook paper, telling my brother how much I was enjoying my first year of college. I told him about the first party I went to, the first girl I hooked up with, and a lot of other firsts. At that age, Jacob and I didn't share many details of our lives with each other, so this was probably more than I told him in person in an entire year.

I'm surprised he kept it this long. It likely was just something he forgot existed in the back of his drawer, but he didn't throw it away after he read it like I assumed he would.

It tookme a whole week to get through Jacob's apartment.

Quinn came over one day to help me move all the bigitems. We barely talked the whole time. We just moved the items and closed it up. He offered to help me sort through everything earlier, but I told him that I could handle it myself. In hindsight, I'm really glad I did because it allowed me to grieve him.

To truly grieve him.

The landlord is taking back the keys today and reimbursing me for the last couple of months of rent, likely out of pity. I told her she didn't need to do that, but when I arrived today, there was an envelope shoved in the door with a check written for two months’ worth of rent.

She told me that Jacob was always so kind to her seven-year-old daughter, who often comes to the building after school while she finishes up her work. In the envelope with the check is a drawing made by her daughter.

It's a picture of what I'm assuming is her and Jacob playing chess or maybe checkers; she's seven, so it's hard to tell. I put the picture in the box I'm taking to Mom's house; she would want to see that.

I take one more look around and make sure I didn't leave anything in the cabinets or closets. Once everything is checked over, I put the last few boxes on my dolly and lock up.

On my way out of the building, I drop the keys off in the main office with a note thanking the landlord for the check and head out.

I never found a letter from him. There likely isn't one, and that's okay. He doesn't owe us anything.

Chapter Eighteen

LOUISA

It's finally getting warm outside, and B is meeting up with some friends from college for a bonfire. She invited me to go with, and I have nothing else to do, so I tag along.

The party is at someone called Big Mike's house. When I questioned B about his name, she just shrugged and said it's what everyone has called him as long as she's known him. Big Mike was B's weed dealer in college, and I'm pretty sure he still is because I've seen his name pop up on her phone from time to time.

We Uber there because B told me to be prepared to get super fucked up. That's not my plan, but I don't want to stop myself from letting go and having a good time.

When we pull up, I'm slightly surprised by the place. I was expecting a total dump, but it's actually really cute and looks well taken care of. Maybe he still lives with his parents.

I grab the case of beer, and B grabs the case of seltzers we brought. We hate showing up empty-handed. I follow B up the driveway, and she heads straight around the house tothe backyard. I can hear people laughing, and when we round the corner, I see a big group in lawn chairs around a bonfire. I love bonfires but don't get them often since moving to the city.

B walks right up to someone I don't recognize and throws her arm over their shoulder, startling them.

"Hey losers, the party has arrived!"

Everyone greets us, and B introduces me to the people I haven't met. There is no way I'm going to remember anyone's name.

I hear noises coming from the house, and when I turn to check it out, I realize there are a lot more people here than I thought. A group is walking out of the house, and through a window, I can see more people mingling inside. I honestly like big groups because then I can just blend in and observe. Parties with B's friends have always made for great people-watching.

Someone brings out some more lawn chairs, and we take a seat near a guy smoking.

"Want some?"

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