Page 80 of Please Don't Leave Me

“Sorry, that was a dumb thing to say.”

I just shrug as I look over at her. “Let’s not talk about him.”

“Okay. But fuck that was awkward.”

I glare over at her again; this time, it’s less of a joke.

She successfully steers the conversation away from what just happened, and we go the rest of the appointment without mentioning Sam. When we finish, we’re walked back to the locker room to change out of our robes.

My mind wanders back to Sam and the night we spent together. He looked really good today, and now all I can think about is the feel of his soft lips in my skin. My nipples harden, and I shake the thoughts away.

You’re being stupid, Lou. He doesn’t want you, so stop wanting him.

I try, but I can’t.

Band I are at the club about to meet up with some friends. The music is too loud, just like last time, but I don’t care as much because I don’t plan on taking anyone home. I want to go into 25 with just myself and me.

When we got back from the spa earlier, B and I ordered my favorite takeout and ate while we got ready.

I chose to wear a tight-fitting black dress that is twisted between the breasts to look like a bow with a slit under to expose my sternum. The straps are thin, and the bottom only comes down to my upper thigh. My hair is slicked up into a low bun, and I chose black stilettos to go with the dress.

I have to admit, I look pretty hot.

Our friends arrive, and we all head to the bar to get drinks. B begged me to wear an “it’s my birthday” sash so I could get free drinks, but I refused. So, I will be paying forall my drinks tonight, which is worth not having to wear that damn thing.

I order my new regular, which is a Malibu Diet. I’ve learned that the lower alcohol percentage allows me to pace myself better. But that strategy only works if people aren’t buying you shots all night long, which is exactly what our friends are doing.

First, Evie bought me a lemon drop shot, then Liam bought me a tequila shot, and not long after, B bought me a couple shots of fireball. All of this is an absolute recipe for disaster, but you can’t say no when someone buys you a shot on your birthday.

I’m feeling pretty tipsy right now, so I drag B and Iris out to the dance floor. The lights are flashing, and the bass is vibrating the floor. B grabs my hands, and we spin in a circle, singing along to the song that’s playing. I only know half the words, but I’m at that point in the night where I’m really good at making up the other lyrics, or at least I think I am.

The song changes, and it’s the kind of song you want to bend over and shake your ass to, so that’s exactly what we do. My hair is falling out of its bun, so I get rid of it and shake it out. I’m sandwiched in the middle of our grind train, and in this moment, it’s hard to believe that less than a week ago, I tried to give up on it all.

A few songs later, B yells in my ear that she has to go to the bathroom, so Iris and I follow her there. As we’re waiting in line, all I can think about is the last time I was here and how that night ended.

I think about how the last nine months of my life have played out. How many new people I’ve met. The things I’ve done that I have either never done or hadn’t done for a longtime. I’m trying not to think about the bad, so I focus on the good.

I think about my favorite moments. Then Sam pops in my head.

I think about running into him today and how my body reacted to seeing him. It was a tornado of conflicting emotions: anger, excitement, sadness, desire, discomfort, and curiosity. As the line slowly moves forward, he’s all I can think about.

SAM

I’m sitting on my couch watching a documentary about serial killers. I don’t know why I watch this stuff so late at night; I’ll be the first to admit that it gives me the creeps. But my curiosity always gets the best of me, and I can’t stop watching.

I jump when my phone starts ringing. I must have accidentally turned the sound on because it’s usually on vibrate.

After getting that phone call about Jacob, anxiety takes over whenever I get an unexpected call. It draws up all these negative and fearful emotions from deep inside me, where I shoved them down long ago.

But I have been going to therapy, and I’m slowly starting to work through some of the demons that haunt me.

I dig for my phone in the blanket draped over my legs for a while before it falls on the floor. I pick it up, and I’m shocked by the name on the screen.

It’s Lou.

I was really taken aback by seeing her today. I’ve been thinking about her a lot since I saw B at Daniel’s Prideparty, but I always shut down any thoughts of contacting her.

Being that close to her was such a tease. I wanted so badly to hug her and take in her scent that I still have memorized, but not only were we physically separated by a table, time and my actions have separated us emotionally.

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