Page 51 of Hide or Die

NINETEEN

Leona

“KAM?” I BEGAN cautiously. “Let’s sit down and have a talk, okay?”

Myodamalooked like he was unraveling before my eyes. I sat him down at the breakfast bar and plunked a large glass of water in front of him. He drank it, still wild-eyed and disheveled. The sex aids sat accusingly on the counter nearby, taunting me from my peripheral vision.

“I need to know,” he said quietly—and I wasn’t sure if it made it better or worse that he did not, in fact, appear to be nearly as drunk as I’d first thought him to be. “Leo, I need to know what I gave up. And... I need to knowexactlyhow much was taken from me.”

I sat on the stool in front of him and gathered his hands in mine. “Odama, I love you. And I will try to give you anything you need, just like you’ve always tried to give me everything I need. But I’m worried about you. I’ve been worried about you since Romania, but you wouldn’t talk to me. I need you to talk to me now.”

He nodded, and let his head fall forward—chin against chest, fingers squeezing mine where they tangled together. “I know, Leo. And I’m sorry. This...allof this—it’s just that it’s starting to feel like we’re building a seawall out of sand, and the tide is coming in. We’re celebrating the fact that people like us can be sterilized with chemicals now, instead of having our wombs ripped out with hooks. We’recelebratingthat, for god’s sake! Why are we acting like this was some kind of victory?”

I ducked my head to meet his eyes. “I’m not celebrating it. But we’re claiming it as a kind of victory because chemical castration can at least be undone in the future. It’s not permanent.”

Not like what happened to you. The words remained unspoken.

He shook his head. “Everything’s broken, Leo—and I’m not sure how much longer I can keep pretending it isn’t.”

Something in my chest clenched, as the simple statement spoke directly to my deepest fears.

“Kam,” I began, and had to stop when it came out as a rough croak. I swallowed hard—once, twice. Then I tried again. “I hear exactly what you’re saying. But... I don’t know what else to do? It’s like... okay, we failed miserably with the extradition treaty. But somewhere there’s a beta couple who hid their pup from the authorities, and now instead of getting thrown in jail, maybe they’ll just get hit with a fine instead. That’s good, right?”

“I know it is,” he said miserably. “But, Leo—why does it have to beus? Can’t someone else do the work now? Who knows, maybe they’d be better at it than we’ve been.”

A faint tremor had taken up residence in my hands and arms. He could probably feel it. We were speaking truths that I wasn’t ready to speak, because if I thought about them too closely, the entire foundation of my life might slide into the sea on those same shifting sands he’d mentioned earlier.

“Can we... please not talk about this right now?” I begged. “Because it’s late, and there are two dildos and a bottle of black market pheromone on my kitchen counter—and I’m not really sure I can deal with all of these things at once.”

He leaned forward, and I mirrored him until our foreheads were resting together.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “Yes, let’s not talk about this now. I need you,odama. I need to be with you tonight.”

I knew, on some level, that his words were half of a lie. I was not, in fact, what Kam really needed. That’s why there were alpha pheromones in my kitchen. But it was also half of a truth. I needed him, too. My packmate. Myodama. We hadn’t slept together or played at nesting since my heat. I’d missed him desperately, and it was pure relief to discover that he’d missed me as well.

“I’m here,” I assured him. “You’ve got me—I’m yours, always. But first, you’d probably better tell me exactly how much you’ve drunk tonight.”

He let out a little huff of reluctant amusement. “Three gin and tonics—the last one about two hours ago. I’d say they didn’t help much... but in their defense, they at least gave me enough liquid courage to catch a taxi over here and spill my guts.”

“Gin and tonics for the win, in that case,” I agreed, and tilted my head forward until our lips met in a chaste, gin-flavored kiss. “I’ve missed you so much,odama.”

“I know,” he said. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” I told him. “Get your contraband off my countertop, and come help me gather up the pillows.”

Anything that suggested a permanent nest was out of the question in my apartment, where I often hosted work colleagues and parties. But even betas could have a throw pillow obsession—and every spare surface on my furniture was covered with the things.

The converted warehouse was all old wood and high, narrow windows, with the bedroom tucked in the back. Protected. Hidden away. It was about the best an omega could hope for while still looking normal to betas. We dumped the pillows on the stupid beta-style bed in great piles, turning it into something that could half-swallow us in softness. I pulled a red chiffon wrap out of the closet and tossed it over the shade of the bedside lamp, plunging the room into a low, warm glow.

Kam bundled me onto the mass of pillows, where I sat cross-legged, facing him.

“Tell me what you need tonight,” I said, taking his hands again.

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