Page 112 of Knot Playing Fair 2

I caught my lower lip between my teeth, chewing it for a moment as the silence stretched.

“You’re not upset, are you?” I asked, suddenly worried. He’d come so far in the last few weeks... it was easy to forget how much he had to overcome.

I watched his prominent Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed. His dark, deep-set gaze returned to my face.

“No.” The word was hoarse. “I’ve been thinking about it a lot, lately. I mean... not when the others were missing, of course. But, like, since I started talking to my therapist about it.”

Relief loosened my tense shoulders.

“Me too,” I admitted. “Sometimes I have dreams about what happened between us during my heat.”

Deep lines appeared between his brows. “Bad dreams?” It sounded like the words were dragged from him.

“No!” I said quickly, appalled. “Good dreams, Emiel. Very,verygood dreams. But then I feel guilty, because I know you didn’t want it to happen.”

I hadn’t meant to share that last part. My teeth clicked together as I realized the words had escaped without me meaning to say them.

He looked thoughtful. “I only didn’t want it because I figuredyouwouldn’t want it. If you weren’t in heat, I mean.”

I leaned forward, placing my hands on the mattress. “Idowant you, Emiel. I wantallof you in this pack.” With a deep breath, I forced myself to speak my truth. “I think... I might even want Nat as a part of it. And it scares me, because it feels selfish and complicated and, I dunno... unrealistic, I guess? But I’ve decided it’s time to just throw it out there into the universe and see what happens, instead of bottling it up inside.”

“I like Nat a lot,” Emiel said simply.

I couldn’t help my watery smile. “I’m glad. I love that you two are becoming friends.”

Emiel looked like he was struggling with himself over something. After a long pause, he spoke again. “I, um, bought some stuff, too.”

When nothing else was immediately forthcoming, I tilted my head. “What kind of stuff?”

He hesitated, then leaned over and opened a drawer in the nightstand. Tension radiated off him as he pulled out a couple of objects and placed them by the lamp. My eyebrows shot up as I stared at the pair of very serious looking handcuffs lying tangled up with a red rubber ball attached to a leather harness.

“I don’t want to tie anyone up!” he said quickly, before I could ask any questions. “It’s not that.” He took a deep breath, not meeting my eyes. “Let me try to explain.”

I settled back and nodded wordlessly, keeping my body language and expression free of judgment.

His fingers flexed restlessly against the edge of the mattress; a nervous tic. “So... you know about what happened to me when I was a kid. It was terrible, and I hated it more than I’ve hated anything, ever. But what really scares me is knowing how big and strong I am now... knowing I could do that to another person.”

“You wouldn’t, though!” I burst out. “Emiel, you couldneverhurt a kid like that!”

He looked ill. “No. Not a kid. Just...anyone. When you were in heat, I knew better, but I still couldn’t help myself.”

“That wasmyfault,” I said. “Not yours. There is no possible universe where you would have had sex with me if I’d been crying ‘no’ and trying to push you away!None.”

He shook his head, clearly frustrated. “But you were inheat. You couldn’t give consent, not really. That’s the scary thing.” He made an abortive movement with one hand, as though brushing the words away. “But that’s not where I was going with this. I thought, what would make it so that I didn’t have to worry about forcing myself on you, or Luca, or anyone else?”

“I still don’t follow,” I said uncertainly, glancing at the objects on the bedside table.

“I was talking to my therapist, and she said something like, ‘What if the other person was the one in control?’ And I thought, yeah, maybe that could work. Because if I physically couldn’t hold them down or bite them, then I wouldn’t have to worry about it, right? I could stop focusing on that, and focus on feeling good instead.”

The proverbial lightbulb clicked on.

“Oh,” I breathed. “Oh.”

The terrifying alpha who beat up professional fighters for fun looked like a single wrong word might shatter him into sharp-edged fragments. I would have cut out my own tongue before being the one to utter that word.

He swallowed hard again, visibly screwing up his courage. “She suggested some porn sites where it’s all ethical and run by omegas; where I could look at different things and start thinking about what it might be like. There’s a video that gave me the idea about getting this stuff. I liked the way it made me feel—like it was all safe and no one could accidentally get hurt.”

A visible tremor of nervousness had taken up residence in his hands, and beads of sweat were visible on his brow. My heart broke for him.

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