Page 106 of Can't Always Get What You Want

I nod once. “Yeah. A lot.” Loved bombed the shit out of me.

“Did you believe her?”

“For a while,” I admit. “Until I realized she loved what I did for her more than who I actually was.”

Nova’s voice is gentle now, stripped of humor. “That’s a shitty thing to realize.”

“I guess,” I murmur. “But it’s also freeing. I don’t know. It made me pay more attention to therealstuff. The quiet things. The way someone looks at you when they don’t think you’re watching. Or how they hold space for you. The little things.”

“That sounds so nice.”What’s that like?Her unasked question lingers in the air.

The water has cooled enough now that we both feel it. Goosebumps rise along her arms. The bubbles have shrunk to foam, so I reach forward and twist the faucet, letting more hot water flow into the tub to warm us both back up. The sudden stream breaks the silence, but not the moment—we’re still wrapped in it.

“You know what else?” I say quietly, not looking at her yet. “Real love doesn’t come with a checklist.”

She tilts her head slightly.

“It’s not earned by being low-maintenance or sweet or perfect,” I continue. “It’s not a prize you get for being easy to be around. You don’t have to shrink for me, Nova. You don’t have to be anything less than exactly what you are.”

That was not a declaration, but it sure as hell felt like one.

Could be construed as one, too.

That does not bother me.

Let her think what she wants.

She gives me a soft, incredulous look. “You say that now.”

“I’ll keep saying it,” I promise.

Nova worries her bottom lip again. “What’s something you’re scared of? Cause you seem pretty…brave.”

Me? Brave?

Ha!

I’m scared shitless about plenty of things: snakes. Heights. Spiders that live in Australia. Floods.

Still, I know she’s not being literal. She wants to know what unseen things I’m afraid of.

“I’ve always felt like people were waiting for me to screw up,” I continue. “Coaches. Girlfriends. Like, sure—you’re funnow—but eventually someone’s gonna figure out you’re not that special. You’re no better than the next guy.”

She frowns. “Luca…”

“It’s not about being insecure. It’s just—” I pause, searching for the right way to put my thoughts into words. “When people have an idea of who you are, you start performing. And there gets to be a point you don’t realize it until you’re exhausted, and no one knows the real you because you’ve never let them see that version.”

Nova swallows hard. “Sure. I’ve done that. Smiled when I wanted to scream. Said I was fine, but I was dying on the inside.”

“Maybe we’re both tired of pretending.”

She nods, eyes glassy now. “I was starting to forget what it felt like to be honest.”

Same.

I still have her foot in my hand and resume massaging the ball of her foot. “Do you want kids?”

There.

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