Page 68 of Always Murder

“Not really the point, I think, but—”

Millie’s head swiveled, and I realized I was caught in her sights.In that same take-no-prisoners tone, Millie added, “And you’re going to write me the best book ever about Jinx St.James.”

My brain told me to say no, but you should haveheardher—the determination in her voice was two degrees shy of terrifying, which was probably why my mouth said, “Well, um, we can talk about that—”

She pulled me into a hug.It was of the usual Millie-rib-cracking variety, but a little tremor ran through her, and I surprised myself by squeezing her closer.

“Thank you,” she whispered.

“Anytime.Oh, but notreallyanytime, because if Keme ever found out we had this talk, he would chop me up and mail pieces of me around the world.”

She laughed, but when she pulled back, her eyes shimmered.“You must think I’m so messed up.”

“Millie, here’s one of the basic facts of life:everybodyis messed up.So, don’t worry, you’re not the only one.I’m sure if I ever have kids, I’ll start trying to plan their lives and decide what’s best for them and have this singular vision for who they are and who they’re supposed to be, and everything I do will be directed toward making them into that person, just like my parents did with me, and—”

When the realization hit, I actually felt the blood whoosh out of my head and toward my sneakers.

I could hear my own broken-off sentence like an echo.

I could feel Millie watching me.

It didn’t matter.I had fallen into the abyss of cosmic horror.

“Oh my God,” I said, only barely aware I was speaking out loud.“I’ve become my mother.”

“Oh,” Millie said.“Yay?”

Somehow, I managed to shake my head and whisper scratchily, “No yay.Not yay.”

In my head, I played back everything from the last few days.Everything from the moment I’d heard the sheriff’s office had an opening for a detective.

Time must have passed because Millie said, “Uh, Dash?”

“I have to go now,” I said numbly.

“Are you okay?”

I mustered up something that might pass for a smile.“Uh huh.Just need to lie down and grapple with a fresh bout of horrifying self-awareness.”

“Oh.Okay.”She leaned in, quick as a bird, and kissed my cheek.And then she said, “I love you.”

It was enough, thank God, to startle me out of my waking nightmare.My next smile felt more real, and I said, “I love you too, Millie.Now go talk to Keme.”

“Are you going to be all right?”

My phone buzzed.

The message was from Bobby, and it was short and sweet—which was standard fare for Deputy Mai.I’m very unhappy about how I talked to you.I’m so sorry, and I want to apologize.Can we please talk when I get home?

Somehow, I managed to say through the lump in my throat, “Yeah, everything’s all right.”

Chapter 21

I texted Bobby back to make sure he knew we were okay and that we’d talk later that night.Then I spent the hours between that conversation with Millie and the end of Bobby’s shift trying to find ways to keep myself busy.I played Xbox for a while, but I couldn’t get into it.I shambled into the den and tried to write, which was how I found myself two hours later, with grime up to my elbows as I wiped down the old bookshelves.Millie and Keme, apparently now fully reconciled, took over the billiard room so they could watch a movie.I figured they didn’t need a third wheel, so I went upstairs to shower (resisting the urge to indulge in one of what Millie had started to call mysadness baths), and then I got into bed to read.

It wasn’t that I was sad or angry.The text from Bobby had salved the worst of my hurt, and the conversation with Millie had given me that uniquely soul-destroying insight into my own bad behavior over the last few days.But I was still…upset, maybe.In the truest sense of the word.I felt jumbled up inside, and I couldn’t focus.

The words on the page kept slipping away from me.I loved Dorothy Sayers, and I lovedWhose Body?If you haven’t read it yet, it’s the first Lord Peter Wimsey mystery, and the name of the protagonist should tell you what the general vibe is.

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