Page 151 of A Dead End Wedding

Mulling the possibilities over, I made it to the office in no time. As I pulled in, I noticed that the old Ford Escort that Mr. Ellison drove when he hadn't found a ride with one of his friends was in the parking lot. I caught myself smiling at the sight.

The guy just grew on a person.

I fumbled with my keys, then unlocked and opened the door. When I looked up, as the door closed behind me, balancing my briefcase, purse, coffee, and the bag of donuts, the first thing I noticed was the alligator tail pointing at me.

The rest of the alligator was very much attached.

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The second thing I noticed, while I stood frozen on the spot, was Mr. Ellison standing on top of the reception desk, waving his arms and jumping up and down. "You need to get out of here while I keep its attention," he whispered.

The alligator swished its tail, and I fought to keep the scream boiling up in my chest from escaping my throat. "Why are we whispering? Did you call 911?" I whispered back, wondering – in the part of my mind that wasn't shrieking — how a six-foot long alligator had gotten in my office.

"Be calm, be calm, be calm," I whispered to myself. "Alligators are slow and ponderous."

The alligator whipped its head around and fixed its beady eye on me. I couldn't help it. I shrieked at the top of my lungs. Being up close and personal with an alligator had never been at the top of my wish list.

"Get out, get out, you damn fool," Mr. Ellison yelled at me.

I dropped everything but my coffee and edged toward the reception desk. My brain had shut down, but somehow it seemed wrong to leave Mr. Ellison here alone with the deadly creature. I could . . . . I could throw my coffee at it.

Maybe alligators are allergic to lattes.

Maybe I'm just an idiot.

The alligator scuttled around until it faced me, and I shrieked again and threw my coffee at it. Then I hurtled up over Max's office chair and climbed on top of the three-drawer filing cabinet, banging my knee on the drawer and wrenching my injured shoulder. The alligator was right behind me and snapped at empty air as I yanked my legs up behind me. "Ow!" I shouted.

"Did it get you?" Mr. Ellison asked.

"No, I hurt my shoulder. Can you reach the phone?" The phone lay on the floor in front of the desk, so the desk itself would be between Mr. Ellison and the alligator if he could jump down and get it. Of course, he was seventy-three years old and not exactly in shape for all this jumping and climbing.

The alligator did a sort of half-jump thing and snapped at the empty air between it and me and caught a corner of Max's chair in its jaws on the way down. It made a horrible growling noise and rolled over and over with the chair in a blur of greenish-gray lumps, then finally let go.

I tried to breathe, but I couldn't seem to get my lungs to inflate. Plus, it smelled a lot like rotting fish in my office. Not exactly an air-freshener quality aroma.

Mr. Ellison and I both stared at what was left of the chair, then looked at each other. "Use your cell phone, girlie," he gasped.

"I . . . oh, crap," I said, then pointed to my purse, lying on the floor by the door. "It's over there. Mr. Alligator might not let me climb over him to get it. And – what the heck isthat?" I stared at the message painted on the wall next to the door.

GO HOME, YANKEY

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"Great. I'm being threatened by the spelling-challenged," I mumbled.

Mr. Ellison gritted his teeth. "I can't believe you're making jokes at a time like this. Okay, it's up to me, I guess. I better get paid extra for this. Make some noise and keep its attention, will ya?"

I sucked in a deep breath and started yelling, on purpose this time. "Hey, alligator! Look here! Yummy lawyer to eat. That sounds like a joke, doesn't it? Hey alligator! I see why people turn you into purses, now, you big stupid monster."

It crouched there on the floor, glaring at me with its beady eyes. Maybe it didn't like to be insulted. That purse crack had been kind of mean.

I snuck a glance at Mr. Ellison, who had made it down to the floor. He grabbed the phone and climbed back up. The alligator must have heard a noise, because it whipped its head around and started scuttling after fresh prey. I yelled and waved my arms, but it ignored me, so I took another deep breath and did the stupidest thing I'd ever done in my life.

I jumped back off the filing cabinet.

"Here I am! Come get me! Leave the bony old man alone. He'd be tough to eat, anyway. Come get me, fish breath." I ran to the other side of the room, banging the metal filing cabinets on the way, watching the alligator as it swung its enormous head back and forth between Mr. Ellison and me. Mr. Ellison used the few moments to heave himself back on top of the reception desk, yelling at me the whole time.

"Stupid female! I thought you were okay for a lawyer, but here you go and do the damndest fool thing I've ever seen. Get back on the filing cabinet before I lose you, too," he barked.

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