Page 15 of Hidden Desires

“I don’t know. He’s not going to scare me, though.”

“You don’t have to play tough with me.” He pulled her into his arms. “I know you, Autumn. And I know trust is an issue between us, but I’m here for you.”

“Jackson, you don’t get to say stuff like that to me.” She pulled back, though she stayed looped in his arms. “You’re not someone I’m allowed to trust, and you’re only here for me because my father is paying you a big fat check.”

He opened his mouth to protest.

She held up a hand. “Don’t say he’s not. I know my father, and he’ll do anything to protect his family, at any cost. He only hires the best and pays them damn good money.”

Jackson wasn’t about to go into the details with her. It was true. The Major offered him a large amount of money, but that wasn’t the reason he took the job.

“You must trust me a little bit. I live in your home. I’m with you twenty-four-seven.” He locked his fingers at the small of her back. “You’re in my arms.”

“Jackson, it’s not fair,” she groaned. “You know my terms and conditions.”

“Is that so?” He leaned down and pressed his lips against her neck. “For some reason, I don’t think you truly mean half the stuff you say to me.

He darted out his tongue to taste her pulse point. She gripped his shoulders to keep her balance while he explored her. His hands cupped her behind and held her against his hardening cock while he kissed her neck.

“You never allow yourself to indulge in what you want, Autumn.” He kissed his way up her neck to her cheek. “What do you truly want?”

She sucked in a breath and met his eyes. “I want you, Jax.” The pet name came out as if no time had passed between them. “It’s never been in question, but I can’t handle it without strings. I can’t sleep with you knowing you’ll walk out that door and never look back.”

“I think your chatter is just your way of trying to convince yourself you’re better off alone and miserable than worthy of sharing your life with someone.” Jackson didn’t know where that statement came from and almost regretted it the moment it left his tongue. People like him didn’t “share” their life with anyone.

“Are you that guy, Jax? The one someone like me could share her life with? I still have feelings for you. I can’t stand here and listen to your empty promises when in the end I know you’ll only hurt me deeply like the last time. I may have been young and stupid, and totally came off the wrong way about everything, but I hated to tell you good-bye.”

Jackson stared at her. “You have feelings for me?”

“Yes, Jax. I don’t want to, but I do.” Her hands slid down his chest. “It sucks, you know. I thought I got over you, that I moved on, yet here I am repeating history as if I’m still that same eighteen-year-old girl. How pathetic of me.”

She pulled away from him and turned toward the hallway. “I’m going to take my bath.”

He wanted to give her what she needed but knew that kind of commitment wasn’t within his ability. How the Major married Faye and made it last was something Jackson didn’t understand. Everyone else in their department was single. Marriage not only made it difficult for the families to see their loved ones leave in the special ops, but it took away from the job. He huffed a breath and rubbed the back of his neck listening to the soft sound of water filling the bathtub.

Autumn’s image popped into his mind, her sleek body sinking into the warm scented water, with the intention of letting the bubbles relax her. He took a few deep breaths to clear his thoughts and continued down the hall to the shower.

He wanted to be the kind of guy that Autumn wanted because she deserved no less from the man she chose to be with. Although he was stupid as a kid and denied her once, he saw today the beautiful woman she had become. Smart, independent, and confident—qualities she undoubtedly developed due to the hardships in her life. She was also damn good at her job. He would have been scared shitless—was scared shitless—if he’d had to confront a sadistic dog that could potentially harm children. But she handled it like the pro she was, getting Dodo to settle down so the kids would be safe and she could take care of the gash on the dog’s neck. For that alone, he admired her.

Jackson turned the shower on full blast and stripped off his muddy clothes. He had to admit, though, that the day was rough and tiring, he did have fun. He’d never wrangled a pig before, and got messy doing it, but Autumn had laughed, and that it worthwhile. He couldn’t stop picturing her beautiful smile because it hadn’t come often since he’d been here. In all honesty, he guessed she really didn’t have much to smile about.

After taking his shower, Jackson pulled on a fresh pair of boxers and settled on the sofa with the remote in his hand. Autumn wanted a commitment. Strings. While all that was nice, it was impossible for him. She wanted and deserved to have someone to come home to. Someone who would be there for her and support her no matter what. He couldn’t possibly give her that.

For as long as he recalled, he dropped everything for the job and stayed until it was completed—which could be months at a time. He rescued women from the Amazon. He helped rescue royalty. He was a part of killing a group ofterrorists threatening to harm him, his team, and, ultimately, his country. The Major was there the entire time and knew what all he took on over the years. How could one possibly be a husband, father, and soldier all at the same time? Just thinking about it, Jackson knew it was beyond him to understand.

He flipped through the channels uninterested in the current programs. TV just didn’t have the same appeal to him like it did in his twenties. He’d been working for so long, most of which he’d gone days without basic necessities, much less luxuries like television.

His stomach growled loudly. Food sounded great since both he and Autumn missed lunch today. He clicked the TV off and tossed the remote to the side.

“I’m starving. What kind of pizza do you want?” Autumn came in the living room in a terry wrap with her hair pulled high on her head. “I like plain cheese, but if you’re anything like my brothers, you’ll want a pizza with everything on it.”

“Plain cheese is fine.” He watched her grab the phone and punch in numbers. After placing the order, she smiled and sat the phone on the coffee table. “Now that’s taken care of, what movie do you want to watch?”

She moved to the DVD rack and sorted through her movies. “You probably won’t want to watch something romantic, and honestly, I’m not in the mood for love right now. So we’ve got thrillers or comedies.”

“Comedy.” Jackson watched her while she named off movies in that genre. Did she really think he cared what movie they watched? He was ready to crash as it was so anything short of gut-busting laughter would only put him to sleep.

She called out a title, and he agreed. After she popped in Bulletproof, set everything up and handed him the remote.

---