Page 52 of Hidden Desires

Gently, he pushed her away and sat up. Autumn saw him change right before her eyes. He went from the caring, loving Jackson who made her feel like the luckiest woman alive to the hardcore Marine that was out for blood and would stop at nothing to get it.

“He convinced the police he came home to find her that way. Ruled it as a burglary or something. Naturally, the investigators in our small town found nothing, and he walked away free and clear. I spent nine years with that man. He beat me for no reason other than the fact he took great pleasure in it. I spent many nights wondering if there was a better life for me out there, something that didn’t hurt, you know? I guess I wanted a Brady Bunch kind of life.” He shook his head. “I don’t know if that even exists, but the only solace I found was in women’s bed. I lost my virginity at eleven to a woman who took me into her home and gave me a safe place to sleep at night. I begged my friends to let me stay with them so I wouldn’t have to go home. I did my best to finish school and hopefully make something of myself.”

Jackson tossed the pillow aside and fell back against the mattress with a groan. “I know how that makes me look in your eyes, but you don’t understand what it was like living with that man.”

Autumn tilted her head to the side, absorbing the information he just gave her. “I’m not here to judge you, Jackson. I love you with no conditions and everyone has bits of the past that their ashamed of. You had your reasons for what you did, and those reasons are something I accept. You were just a kid and you didn’t deserve any of this, Jackson. Nor is any of it your fault.”

“Why do you have to be so nice? You could cut me down and yell at me for what I did, not only to you but also the women before and after you. I did fuck anything in a skirt for the pitiful excuse of finding some kind of happiness in my pathetic life. How can you just sit there and be nice to me?”

Autumn debated her words, choosing them wisely. “Would you rather I be mean? You want me to be like every other person who has come into your life and cut you down, treat you like shit and make you feel like a failure? I know what you’re thinking, Jackson, and it won’t work. I will not give you reason to push me away. You were hurt. Not only physically but emotionally and spiritually as well. Trust me, I’m not being nice, as you put it, because I pity you. You don’t need my pity or anyone else’s for that matter.”

She carefully straddled his lap and leaned over him, forcing him meet her eyes. “I love you, and people who love each other, support one another. You were hurt and you’re still hurting.” She placed her hand over his heart. “You are special to me and I’m here for you.”

Jackson’s hands smoothed over her back, gliding down until he cupped her ass. “You really mean it?” he whispered.

She kissed him, unable to voice anymore words. All the time she’d known him, Jackson was strong. Even when they were intimate, he showed little vulnerability. Autumn hugged him, wishing she could do more to make his pain and suffering go away.

“There’s more to the story.” He propped his chin on her shoulder. “When I turned eighteen, three days before I was set to leave for boot camp, my father pulled a gun on me.”

Autumn’s heart raced. She pulled back and stared at him while he spoke.

“He didn’t like it that I was leaving. He threatened me, among other things, and finally lashed out at me physically, and I snapped. I was older and stronger and could take on the drunk better than I realized. I felt so much anger toward him, and I don’t know what happened. The Major said I probably blacked out since I only remember pieces of it but I started punching my father just like he did my mother. The gun fell to the side, and when he laid motionless, I picked it up.”

He stopped again, obviously tired of telling his story. Autumn ran her fingers through his wet hair, trying to catch his attention, to get that lost look of darkness off his face.

“I didn’t think, only reacted, and pointed the gun at him. I saw it all over again like a horror movie flashing before my eyes. He taunted me, told me I wasn’t man enough to stand up for my family, that I was a worthless piece of shit who should have died with my mother.” Jackson gulped a breath. “I shot him.”

Autumn could see much more than hurt on Jackson’s face. It was physically painful for her to watch him suffer so much. Maybe she shouldn’t have pushed him to tell her. Maybe if she kept her big mouth shut he would have been better off.

“I explained everything to the police, of the abuse and the beatings and told them I shot him in self-defense. A day later, I was enlisted and boarded a plane to North Carolina to meet your father.” Jackson glanced toward the bathroom and then looked down at the hand that rested against her thigh. “I’m sorry there isn’t a happy ending to this tragic tale. I actually talked to both Davis and the Major about it years ago. Your dad, being the great guy he is, sat me down piss-assed drunk and made me spill my guts to him after he roughed me up a bit.” Jackson smiled at the memory. “Davis was there on every anniversary of my mom’s death. We were in Germany together when I told him the first time and I was drunk then, too. Only three people know about it, you being the third.”

“Jax, I love you so much.” She kissed him and hugged him. “I don’t know what to say or do but I want to help you heal. To help you get through this.”

He pressed his face into her chest. “I need to be inside you. Please, Autumn. You’re my only hope of healing because up until now, all I’ve done is survive. I want to be happy and I’m only happy when I’m with you.”

Autumn’s heart rejoiced just as much as it wept for him. She pushed him away and tugged the towel from her body, tossing it to the side. Jackson watched her, waiting. Autumn kneeled beside him and tugged the fold of his towel.

“Sex isn’t going to change anything, Jackson. Whether you believe it or not, you need my love and you have it all. You always have and always will.” She cupped his cheeks and leaned forward to kiss him. “I love you, Jackson Cooper. And I’ll keep saying it over and over again as much as you need to hear it.”

Autumn could guess Jackson laid next to her trying to sort out his emotions. She pulled the covers around them and simply held him against her body. The last thing Jackson needed was to continue burying his feelings from the past. She refused to be like all the other women he essentially used, and thankfully he didn’t argue or put up a fight.

“I feel like shit.” He rubbed his eyes.

Autumn kissed his hair, breathing in his scent while she looked for the right words to say. “Why do you feel like shit?”

“Because I couldn’t stop it. Even if I couldn’t physically stop him, I should have told someone who could. I should have done something to help her out. Maybe if I hadn’t cried or run from him, maybe she wouldn’t have found out and would still be here today.”

Autumn stroked his back. “Honey, it was something completely out of your power to control. Playing the what-if game will only drive you crazy.”

Jackson hand rested against her stomach. “I don’t think I ever told her I loved her. I made Chloe a Valentine’s card—she was due on Valentine’s day—that had a big heart that popped out of the middle. I told my baby sister all the time that I loved her, but I can’t remember telling my mother.”

“She knew.” Tears formed in Autumn’s eyes. “That’s the funny thing with love. It’s not always expressed with words. I have no doubt in my mind your mother knew you loved her and Chloe. And I have no doubts about how much she loved you.”

“She made me feel special.” Jackson rolled onto his stomach. “She used to take me shopping with her and buy me things. Even when my father used to bitch about her spending all his money, if I asked for a toy or piece of candy she didn’t say no. I got to pick out stuff for Chloe. She always made me feel a part of everything she did, and I felt on top of the world.

“She loved my father. I can’t understand or comprehend it, but she was madly in love with him.” Jackson stuffed the pillow under his chin and rubbed his eyes with the tips of his fingers. “That’s what I don’t get. How could she love such a sadistic bastard?”

Autumn curled around him, running her fingers through his damp hair. “Love’s not something that is meant for us to understand. It’s an emotion we choose to accept. My mom told me one time that she didn’t love my father for any reason other than she wanted to. I didn’t really understand it until I fell in love with you.”

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