Page 53 of The Likelihood Of You

Screw it.

I began to move my hips, my arms snaking around the back of Jacob’s neck and plastering a smile on my face that I never wanted to hold back again.

Once he saw how I was reacting to being in his arms again, he started swaying. We mimicked the dance moves me and Addy had done earlier; each time we pulled apart and pulled back in, his mouth hung open in a broad smile, his eyes scrunching shut and his nose bunching up from how much he was laughing. I let a few giggles out, too, a lot of them when he dipped me, but when he gripped my waist tighter, lifted me off the ground and twirled me, it was like the planet went silent.

It felt like time had stopped. I basked in each breathy laugh of his that hit me as we twirled, soaked up his smile, and counted it as another reason that whatever this was between us was right.

When he brought his spinning feet to a halt, to settle me down to earth again, he didn’t let go of me. His stare had the same iron grip on me that his hands did, and I prayed he didn't stop. The way I could see him drinking up every part of me sent little embers and lightning bolts shooting through my body. I felt more seen than I ever had before.

To everyone outside our bubble, he was dancing with me, but to me, he was reaching into my chest and claiming my heart as his. He wasn’t just holding me; he was erasing every stupid idea I’d about doing this on my own, dreaming on my own, and instead writing himself into every one of my plans.

And when I squeezed his hand as he led me into another twirl, I let him.

For the whole three minutes and eighteen seconds that song was playing, I let myself fall. Thankfully the music was loud enough that I couldn't hear that voice telling me to catch myself.

I soaked up the hold he had on my waist, every squeeze, every giggle, every glance that I should have ignored, and I let myself enjoy them.I validated every feeling I’d ever felt for this man and adored every second of it. Telling him how I felt seemed possible now. Telling him what kept me away from him seemed easy. I knew I had to, and feeling so fearless, I thought I could.

But just as my lips parted, as we slowed our bodies, the telltale symptoms of overthinking began to take over; my ears started pulsing, my breath became harder to catch, and the guilty gnawing kicked in. That voice I’d drowned had kicked its way to the surface now that my favourite song had ended.

The drunken cheering and whooping from Addy and Nate tugged me back to reality. I don’t know whether it was the Aperol rushing to my head or the thousand what-ifs circling up there, too, but all I knew was that if I didn’t get some air quickly, I’d be passed out on the floor in no time.

I drew my eyes away from Jacob, slipping my hands out from his grasp and hoisting back up my smile that had dropped. As I walked to the kitchen to get some water, I could still feel his eyes on me, but I resisted the urge to turn round and check, before Addy hollered at me.

“You okay, Miss Flo?” She shouted and giggled at the same time.

I waved her off like I was fine, when internally, I felt like all the walls were closing in on me. “Pshh, I’m fine. I just need some air. Too many cocktails.” And before she could call me again, I pulled open the door and slipped out.

I’d spotted that one of the windows that lined the hallway was actually a door that led to a balcony, so I cracked it open and decided to hide out there. The nighttime breeze hit all the exposed areas of mybody, and while I should have been worried about how cold the late October air was, it was an instant feeling of relief.

I took a seat on the bench that was out here, making a mental note to say thank you to Nate for decorating it with cushions and blankets that would stop my thighs from freezing for the time being. I took a few deep breaths as I settled, as I gazed at the millions of tiny illuminated windows that spread across the city, like artificial stars. I wondered if there were people looking back at me, their identities covered by the darkness, while they dealt with their problems, which comforted me.

It was only when I felt a familiar presence that the dull warmth of the blankets below me turned into a bonfire. And there was only one explanation for that.

I turned my head back towards the door, and sure enough, Jacob stood there, concern painted across his face. “I thought I’d come and check on you. Everything okay?” He asked as his whole body emerged from behind the door, not hesitating when he claimed the spot next to me.

I didn’t want to ruin his night. He was supposed to be revelling in the possibility of another box office hit for him and his friends, not joining me outside for a pity party. So I turned my face to him and smiled—

“You’re awful at pretending you’re okay. Did you know that?”

Well, that sobered me up.

“Tell me what’s up, because if I see that rehearsed smile one more time, I’m going to go insane.”

His confession sewed my mouth right up before I could even pretend I was fine. But what was the point of hiding anymore?

I took a long breath before twisting my knees inwards, brushing his, and lifting my eyes to his. “You’re right… I’ve not been fine.” I shuffled closer. “That night after baking, at Pins… I found out something, about Hugo and my sister, and it knocked me sick. It turns out they’re together now, a proper couple, and I know I was having second thoughts about him, but he was still my first; I still loved him in a twisted way, and seeing that just made me spiral and shut down.” I dropped my head.

“I know I should have told you, and I’m so sorry if I made you think any of this was your fault. It wasn’t about the kiss, not at all. I actually really like you, Jacob. A lot. And that was another thing that freaked me out because I wasn’t sure if admitting that would ruin things for both of us.

"I don’t know what your love life looks like, but I know mine is just one gruesome train wreck, and having feelings for you was not what I came here for, but I’m worried I’m making a mistake not telling you how much I like the idea of you. Of us.”

Those big cinnamon eyes held me, unearthing all the magic things I’d felt for him that had gotten lost since our kiss. Suddenly, I was covered in stardust, and if having Jacob near made me feel like that, then I knew I was about to kiss goodbye to the six words I’d held so close to my heart, that I was too scared to whisper.

“I think I’m falling for you,” I whispered, finally. “And I’m scared about what that means for me, for you, and whether letting myself fall is the right thing to do.” A giggle slipped from my lips. “Not like I had much choice in the matter… you kind of made it impossible not to.”

“Should I be sorry for that?” He asked, dipping his head to catch my eyes.

I shook my head. “No, don’t ever be.”

---