Page 11 of The Fate Of Us

Waking up frightened, like some invisible force was crushing me without anyexplanation, was just how I started my days.

The same beeps I’d heard in my dream were still bouncing off the walls, my back archingover to reach my phone and frantically tapping the screen a few times to get my alarm to shut up.

My shallow breaths were now the only noise disturbing the silence, on top of a few car horns,and the room went still. Groaning, I sit up straighter in my bed, stretching my legs and dragging my hands over my face, the sharp morning stubble scraping at them as I do.

My attention falls back on my heartbeat, unsteady and jagged and all the things thatwould scare any medical professional if they heard it. For me, though, it was the first step in my morning routine… regulating it. My head sunk into my hands, making room for airflow as I sucked in some precious breaths. I held it there, in my lungs, savouring the feeling, and thinking of something good, before blowing the air back out, repeating that process until it didn’t feel like my heart was about to break free from my body.

Once my eyes adjusted to the sunrise, I shifted my head to the window, absorbing theskyline I’ve woken up to nearly every morning for the past six years. I get lost in the skyscraper forest before leaning over to the bedside table and grabbing my journal and pen that are resting there.

Journaling was an essential part of my routine, no matter where I was. If I didn’t spillevery word that was cycling around my head onto the lined paper in front of me, they’d stay up there all day, and I wouldn’t focus on anything else.

Although, every page before the blank one I was staring at contained the same thing: adetailed retelling of the same dream I’d had nearly every night since I’d lived it.

It didn’t matter that I’d already recorded it; if I didn’t let out what was in my head, I’d spend the rest of the day driving myself crazy with it. Every detail. Every word. And given that today was the first day of rehearsals for‘Forever and Always’, and that the woman I was dreaming about would be standing in front of me all day, I made sure to scribble on the page until it was full.

After breakfast had been eaten on the balcony, sitting there until the icy chill of thenew spring air that was lingering reached my bones, I went to get dressed, dropping a text to my driver to tell him to be outside the building in five. Grey sweatpants and a matching sweater was the outfit I'd mindlessly chosen, even though the second I’d arrive on set I’d be ushered straight to wardrobe. I loaded my backpack with the script I’d spent the night before highlighting, even though I was off script already, my journal (just in case), and other things I deemed necessary to survive the day.

I slipped on my shoes and headed for the door not long after, but as I reached it, a fewknocks came from the other side.I peered through the peephole, and after seeing my best friend on the other side, I swungit open without a second thought.

I licked the smile away from my mouth. “You do know it’s a Tuesday morning, don’t youhave a rom-com to be filming?” I asked, stepping out of the way for Jacob to stroll on in.

“I’ve got today off; thought I’d come to see you before you left.” he hummed. “I wouldhave stopped by later, but I promised Flo that I'd help her with the rush hour at the bakery.”

I closed the door behind him and followed his footsteps back down the hallway. “Ithought she’d already hired someone to cover the afternoon shift?”

“She did,” he shouted over his shoulder. “Turns out the girl she’d hired was just a tad bitobsessed with me. Made extremely clear by the millions of questions she’d ask Flo every shift, and not the normal ‘What’s he like?’ or ‘What’s his favourite colour?’ either. She also left her phone out behind the counter one day, and when Flo peeked at it, it showed a fan account called ‘itsjacobemerson’, which was an account purely dedicated to posting fan edits of me, as well as where I’d been spotted recently.” He collapsed his body down on the green couch, an almighty groan rattling the room. “It was all very dramatic.”

“Well,” I hum back, taking the seat beside him on the couch. “That was not what I wasexpecting.”

“I don’t think Flo was either. But I think she’s just excited that I get to bake with hertonight.” His smile was beaming brighter than the sun was as he said that. “How are you doing anyway?”

It was my turn to groan. “I’ve been better,” I admitted. One of the good things aboutJacob knowing what I was like was that we didn’t have to skate around how we were really feeling. If we felt like shit, we could talk about it.

“What time do you have to be there?” he asked, leaning forward and resting his elbowson his knees.

“Nine at the latest,” I said, resting my spine against the cushions behind me. “Do youthink they’d fire me if I called in sick?”

Rolling his eyes, he let out a breathy laugh. “Do I need to remind you whoyouare, NatePatricks?”

“No, but—”

“If you called in sick, they’d probably send a dozen ‘get well soon’ baskets and hold offfilming until you get better. Having Nate Patricks call in sick to their movie will be more important than not having him in it at all.”

“It freaks me out when you talk about me in the third person.”

“Calling in sick will only delay the inevitable, which means Nate Patricks—”

“Please stop.”

“—Will be sitting at home overthinking things. Things that he still hasn’t told me, butbecause I’m such a good friend, I don’t push him to tell me. So it will just be him, and his thoughts.” He leans his head toward me. “And you and I both know that that is worse than being fired.”

He was right. I hated that he was right. Leave me with no plans or job to do and I will justsit there, stacking up questions in my brain until I hypothetically explode.

“I have to go in.”

“Yes, you do. If you don’t, you’ll only work yourself up about it. It’s the band-aid thing,rip it off quick, and you won’t feel a thing.” I narrowed my eyes at him. “Well, you might feel things, but what I’m saying is—”

“I know, if I don’t do it now, it’ll only hurt more when I eventually see her.”

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