Page 131 of The Fate Of Us

The cruise along the coast road was one of my favourite ways to see the shoreline, thesandy cliffs off to the right, the palm trees and the sparkling ocean that mesmerised you, like a sea of sapphires. It’s not long before I’m passing Topanga Beach, flying past the houses that look like baby versions of the ones Addy’s parents now live in.

“Imagine living here. With the beach right on your doorstep,”Addy used to say to me onthe bus ride down here. I’d tell her when her books made her millions that she could buy one, or if I won the lottery, I’d buy us both one.

Soon enough, the clearing of sand came into view, then the rusting sign. I indicated, turned the car into the parking lot that only fit three cars, and turned off the ignition. My eyes roamed over the sand, the breeze sneaking through the cracks in the car and filling it with the faint hews of the salt air.

I didn’t question why I’d driven here. I didn’t until now, as I searched the shoreline forthe worn-out panels, rotting rope, and timber poles that I hoped were still standing after all this time. The last time I was here was when I refused to walk down those steps to meet Addy, and I wouldn’t have been surprised if time had been cruel to the spot we’d claimed as ours.

But my eyes snagged on something in the distance, sticking out into the ocean, barely. Awalkway to the big blue. And as my eyes turned to slits, straining to get a better look at the pier, our pier… I saw her.

A silhouette of sunshine.

I’d realised that I’d spent so much time in the darkness, trekking its roads that didn’t trulyexist, that seeing her this morning was like someone had lit a match in its darkest corner—a glimpse of hope in a world that hadn’t known such a thing.

I scrambled out of the car as quickly as I could and made a beeline for the steps that leddown to the beach. The sand was quick to find its way into my sneakers, and socks, so as soon as I reached the bottom of the wooden steps, I freed myself from them, taking my jacket off and dumping it with them on the bottom step.

And then I found myself running to her. To the pier. The breeze seemed to shift and pushme closer towards the shoreline. The closer I got to the waves, the more I felt the salty spray of them coat my face, the wind whipping my hair and blowing the white tee around my body.

And strangely, I'd never felt freer than I had in this moment. Never before had running onsand seemed so easy. My legs didn’t burn as I ran, and my arms only moved faster as they closed the distance between me and the shore. Maybe it was because I knew who I’d reach at the end that made it all worth it. Knowing I’d just get to see her made the pain thatwasin my thighs worth it.

My legs slowed as I neared the pier, my muscles settling. It was like time hadn’t touchedthe thing. It didn’t look any different from the last day we both sat on the end, legs perched over the side and the waves brushing our toes. I took a few deep breaths as I stepped onto the first panel, not wanting to spook her.

Hair swept behind her, flying flames of auburn silk, legs dangling over the end, the waveswashing over her bare feet.She and the sunshine were just so perfect together. She and this pier were meant toco-exist. She and the waves were meant to connect.

My foot lifted, landing on the panels with a creak. I lifted my head in time to watch herstiffen, her whole aura changing in an instant. A few seconds passed and she settled again, spurring on my other steps, taking me closer towards her.

With each step I took, my heart slowed, easing from the run I’d done to get here. Mybreaths steadied too, and all the feelings that overtook me whenever I was around her came alive at once.

I was behind her now, inches away, not knowing what to say or how to interpret thewaves from being the only sound around us. I noticed her head twist, her chin angling over her shoulder. Neither of us moved for a while, like opponents, waiting for the other’s next move. It was her to strike first, as she shifted over to the left, opening up a space next to her for me to claim. And I did.

Our bare knees grazed as I perched myself on the edge of the pier, like she was, glowingas they lay under the sun, and my feet dangling alongside hers as the Pacific washed the sand off my feet.

I wondered if she had as many thoughts as I did running around my head. I wonderedwho’d speak first. I wondered if we’d speak at all. I wouldn’t mind either way. Being back here after so long was turning out to be harder than I thought. Memories I’d lost while making new ones resurfaced out of nowhere.

It felt odd being here without a book of hers in my hand, without her tanning beside me,telling me everything she’d done the day before—

“I quit the movie.”

My head angled towards her, taking in how the sunlight hit all the high points of her face,making her glow. A smile tugged at my lips. “I heard.”

Her eyes were focused on the horizon, the edge of the world, as she shook her headslightly. “It doesn’t feel as scary as I thought it would.”

I shrugged, keeping my eyes on her. “Probably because you’ve been preparing for thissince you were six.”

She seemed to let the words settle before she nodded, her eyes dipping from the sky andthe sea and falling to her hands that were nestled in her lap.

The quietness descended upon us, but I didn’t want to exist in something so loudanymore. I shook my head as it fell forward. “Addy I—”

“Why didn’t you just talk to me?” My eyes connected with hers, pain and fire waltzingwithin them. We held them for a few moments before she tore hers away, staring off into the ocean again. “We told each other everything. There wasn’t a part of my life you didn’t know about, and there wasn’t a part of yours you ever kept from me.” Her eyes fell on me again. “Why couldn’t you talk to me?”

I took a breath. “I think I was scared if I did, I’d find out something that I didn’t want toadmit was really happening.”

Her eye roll was subtle, barely even one, but I caught it, and the shame and guilt in mygut churned like the waves below us.“But it wasn’t real, Nate. None of it was real.” Her eyes searched mine. “How could yoube scared of something that wasn’t real?”

“It felt real,” I said, the breeze casting the words away with it, while I tried my best tohold her stare. “That was good enough for me to retreat and try to forget you existed.”

Hurt washed over her features, the sunshine she thrived in dimming, greying her for amoment. “And did you?” she asked, her eyes falling to her hands which were now playing with the white fabric of her skirt. But she brought them up again a second later to ask, “Did you forget I existed?”

I didn’t let a heartbeat pass before I answered, “No.” Her eyes widened. “Because I thinkdeep down I knew I didn’t want to.” The breeze mingled with the breath I sucked in, as my head fell towards my lap. “I think I realised that living in a world without existing near you would be easier than living without the memory of you at all.”

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