Page 110 of Starstruck

He was leaving.

I was staying.

And there was nothing I could do about that.

Last chance. While you can still decide your future.

I cupped my hand around his jaw as he hung over me, and before hecould shut me down, I whispered, “Please stay.”

The words felt like razor blades as they left me, the pain I felt forus coating every letter.

I watched as tears shimmered at the edge of his lashes, somethingabout it cracking my heart. His bottom lip trembled, his eyes clinging to mine with a fierce intensity, until finally, his head dropped, the weight of the moment pressing down on him like a burden too heavy to carry.

The silence was the loudest thing I’d ever heard, but it didn’t stopmy thoughts from running wild with all the reasons that he wanted to leave so badly. But no matter what path I trekked in my mind, the answer was always me.

Without thinking, I sat upright, swinging my legs off the other sideof the bed and began searching for my dress. Tristan didn’t say anything as I did; all he did was rise on his knees and slouch into the sheets where I was just lying. I found my dress in a puddle on the floor and threw the damn thing on, trying my hardest not to let my tears fall until I was alone.

I made a beeline for the door handle, twisting it open and resistingthe urge to slam it shut as I emerged into the hallway—

“Goldie?”

I recognised my sister's voice as I crashed into her, my eyes straining up to meether as she stared down at me.

And that single second of eye contact was all it took for the strength to drainfrom my body, and the tears sob out as quietly as they could.

chapter thirty six

trauma dumps on the tree swings

Iwaited about ten minutes after Goldie left, long enough for the muffled sound of her crying outside my door to fade with her steps down the hall. But even after the house fell silent, her sobs clung to me, haunting the space between my ears. I tried burying myself under pillows, tried shutting it all out, but nothing worked.

Eventually, the weight of it—of her pain—forced me to move. I slipped out of bed, careful not to make a sound, and when the house was finally still, I crept out the front door, hoping the cool night air could quiet my mind where everything else had failed.

The warm light from the house spilled out onto the thick snow thatblanketed the front garden and provided me with just enough light to make out the big oak tree that sat at the end of their drive, the snowflake-covered rope of the two swings unmissable.

I crunched my way over, the evening breeze sending a shiverthrough me as I reached the swigs and dusted the snow off one of the seats before claiming it.

And only then did I feel the weight of what I’d done.

I’d decided I was leaving the second Goldie left that night after the hospital; the second the door closed and my body collapsed. I knew I couldn’t stay here a moment longer, pretending to be something I wasn’t.

Pretending to be the person she thought she was happy enough to bring home.

I couldn’t stay here and wreck things for her. I couldn’t stay her and be theasteroid that I’d always been. She didn’t deserve to deal with that kind of wreckage, and I didn’t think I had the power to stop myself from becoming it.

She made me careless, and that scared me more than anything.

I shook my head then, letting out a humorless laugh.“Fuckin liar.”Imuttered to myself.

Deep in the caverns of my mind, I knew that was a lie. I knew theonly thing that scared me was never seeing this girl again. But what choice did I have?If I left, on my own terms, I’d be back in the one place I wanted toescape, without her, without my friends… but with all the security of my future intact.

But what good is your future if she isn’t a part of it?

It didn’t matter. This ending was less destructive. For both of ourhearts.

I let my head fall into my hands, the pounding in my skull becoming unbearable, drowning out everything else until—

A sharp crack echoed behind me. My head snapped up, heart instantly hammering against my chest. Panic surged, my mind racing, until my eyes landed on Nate standing a few feet away, looking just as startled as I felt.

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