Page 63 of Starstruck

As I paced over to the black velvet curtain, weaving between theband and sidestepping the stars that flickered in and out of my vision, I found the opening and peered through, looking out onto the concert hall I was playing tonight.

Cade would absolutely kill me if he saw the state I was in, aftereverything he’d done to get these shows up and running. I didn’t even want to think about what my parents would do if they were backstage.

It was useless trying to spot them in the audience; where they saidthey wanted to watch the show, to get the ‘real’ experience. For one, there were way too many people. And two, the stars were doubling in my eyes, and my head was getting heavier by the second.

As though he could sense I was faltering, Andreas appeared by myside, stretching his arm across my shoulder and leaning down to my ear.“Push through it, T. Knock it out before it knocks you out.”

I shook my head, shaking away the white stars that were crowdingmy eyes. He was right. I always hit a wall like this. But after another line and a drink, I’ll be fine. I push through. Do what I’m told.

Before I could let the next wave of dizziness wash over me Istormed over to Ro and Jem, plucking the roll from her hand and stealing the last line, wiping up the residue on the speaker and sinking it into my mouth.

Darkness consumed me as I shut my eyes, drowning out thenoise, the unfamiliar faces and the crescendoing roars from the crowd that were getting louder. Chasing all the strength I had to make it feel like I wasn’t drowning.

I told myself to focus. Reminded myself that this was all I’d everwanted. Playing my music for a hall full of people was the dream. And now I’d got it, I just had to make sure I didn’t mess up.

But the tingles and the invisible claws creeping up my spine were myonly focus. The stars that looked like the night sky against my closed eyes weren’t exploding into the nothingness. Panic slicked my skin, coating my forehead in sweat. Consuming me with the type of fear I knew I wasn’t supposed to feel moments before I played for a crowd.

Andreas approached me again. Even though my eyes were closed, Iknew it was him. His presence could be felt by the dead; it was that intimidating.

“Just don’t think about it. You’ll be fine.”

It was all I could think about. How could it not be? This was all I’dever wanted and there was a high likelihood that I’d either forget my lyrics and embarrass myself or unconsciously perform the whole show and I wouldn’t remember a single part of it in the morning.

That was usually how my trips would go: overactive and confident orvacant and hazy. And now… part of me wondered why I’d even taken anything today, knowing that this would happen.

Panic gripped me tight, claws suddenly digging deeper until ittwisted into something darker—worry so sharp it stole my breath. My chest tightened as I slipped out of the backstage area, my legs moving before my mind could catch up, stumbling into a dim corridor that seemed to stretch endlessly in every direction. Each step felt unsteady, like the ground might give way beneath me.

My head dropped into my hands, fingers gripping my hair as if thatcould somehow stop the spiral in my mind. The walls felt like they were closing in, my pulse pounding in my ears. Was this right? Was I really doing the right thing? Or had I already gone too far, past the point where I could turn back? My thoughts tangled into knots, and my heart raced faster with each one, a sinking pit forming in my stomach.

I pressed my palms into my eyes, desperate to block it out—but thedoubt wouldn’t let go.

It went well, actually. The show.

Well… from what people told me in the days afterwards. Asexpected, I didn’t remember a single part of it. Not one second.

Which was probably why I sobbed after the New York show inSeptember. Why I tore through the backstage chaos and found a dark corner to cry into for a while.

It was a grateful cry. It was the first time I was playing for acrowd where I knew I’d keep the memories with me until death.

Having my parents there, in the crowd like they were in London,made all the difference too.

And I didn’t blame them for worrying, especially since I haven’tspoken to them since the day they left. Not one bit. If I had a child who’d gone what I’d gone through, taken what I’d taken for him to end up in the hospital for a week, I’m positive that I wouldn’t have let them leave my side again. But in some ways, I had to be grateful that my parents weren’t like that. They knew me, and knew that being on my own, the way I’d grown up, was what I knew.

What I needed to make the world quiet again.

My lungs inflated with the stale air that existed in the dorm. “I’mokay. I promise.”

Another sigh rattled the phone. “And everything’s still…”

He didn’t have to finish his question. “It’s still with me, only me.” Myvoice was quiet, well aware that Finn was only a few steps away in the bathroom. I let my head roll back and rest on the wall, as my eyes wandered carefully over to the window. “But to be honest, Dad, I don’t even think the people I’ve met would do anything if I were honest with them.” I sucked in a breath as my head crowded with blonde plaits and topaz eyes. “They’re decent.”

“Well, I’m 'appy to hear it, mate.” I could hear him pacing what Iknew was his study. “Just, be careful, regardless of how you think they’ll react. That naivety was what got you there in the first place.”

Naivety.

There was no better word to describe how I’d acted. And hearing itagain only reinforced in my mind that I’d never let it happen again.

Regardless of how you think they’ll react.

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