Page 42 of Wonderstruck

He fell behind me again after another lap, as I breathed through the glides. I kept my legs tensed, my knees slightly bent, and my spine stiff. I could already feel that familiar ache I used to wake up with settling into my joints.

Now that I'd gotten rid of whatever hesitations I'd had, I felt brave enough to try and spinagain, so I circled my leg, tucked my skates together and pulled my arms against my chest. Before I knew what was happening I was squeezing my thighs together and spinning, slow at first, before the current picked up.

“She's spinning ladies and gents!” I heard Finn call from theother end of the rink, his claps booming.

As I slowed, digging in my toe pick, Istopped to face him, not caring about how breathless I was. Or how big my grin was.

Because… merde.I was skating. I was doing it.

Feeling that fire brew in the pit of mystomach, I pushed off the ice again, myspeed making me catch my breath and my fingertips pulse with adrenalin. When I slowed, I went into another spin, committing to a crossover before circling my leg and tucking it in, my arms crossed and clutched under my chin. I was feeling brave this time, so I lifted my skate, beveling my knee, feeling as graceful as ever—

My skate flew forward, and a crycame flying out of my mouth. Pain bloomed in my knees as they landed on the ice, and I had to blink, wondering if that had just happened.

“Fuck, are you okay?” Finn called, hisvoice and the scrape of his skates getting closer.

Okay, that did just happen.

Quick as anything I got to my feet,brushing off the chipped ice from my knees. “Fine, I’m fine.” I lied, my heart lodging in my throat. “Let me try again.”

Before Finn could reach me, I pushedoff my knee, skating away before I couldlook at him.But with every cautious glide, thememories crept closer—the sound of myMom’s laugh, the smell of the lake after an early morning practice. When I fell she used to be there, and so did Dad. And now they weren’t.

It all hit at once, a tidal wave that Ididn’t hold my breath for.Feeling my face cringe with thepromise of an embarrassing display of tears, I turned and stumbled back to the edge, not stopping until I was gripping the boards.

“Hey, hey, hey, what is it?” I heardFinn call, his voice full of panic.

“I can’t,” I heaved, leaning over untilthe ache in my chest lessened.

Finn was beside me in an instant. Hedidn’t touch me right away, just stood there, close enough that his presence was like a tether. “Hey,” he said softly, “I know. I know it’s hard.” Only then did his palm gently land on my back, as his head leant down to reach me. “But you’ve done harder things, right?”

I swallowed, reigning in my breaths,nodding even though I wasn’t sure Ibelieved it.

I suppose this, standing next to Finn as he smoothed his hand down my back, was hard, when I thought about it. But I quickly banished my mind from drifting to how oddthisall was. Neither my heart, nor my mind had the room for it right now.

“Clear your head,” he said, his voicegenuine, and steady. “And try that spin again.”

How? How was this the same person who broke my heart?

I wondered if he could feel me searching for him as I turned my head and sank into his stare. I wondered if he could feel me trying to figure him out. But before I fell deeper I looked back down at my skates, reminding myself that it would be far easier to face my skating problem, than the ones between me and him right now.

So, I exhaled slowly, letting his words sinkin as I pushed off the boards, glidingto the centre. The resistance of the ice under my blades woke up something dormant, like my muscles remembered, even if I didn’t want to.

Finn followed a few paces behind, asteady presence that made the vastness of the rink feel less daunting. Like the most stoic training wheels I’d ever set eyes on.

This time I kept my head clear and my thighs firm as I crossed over into my turn. I tucked my knees tight, and my arms crushed against my chest, breathing in a rhythm that made the ice flow softer beneath me. Slowly, I lifted one boot again, arching my back into the turn, and when I felt steady, my arms un-clenched and hovered over my head.

As the momentum melted, Irounded off the turn and dug my toe-pick back into the ice, power surging through me and my chest heaving from excitement.

I just did a turn.

A very basic,five-year-olds-can-do-this-in-their-sleep kind of turn. But it was a turn. On ice. And I just did it.

I ignored the chill and let go of mysleeves, clapping and doing another smallspin before I glided back over to Finn.

And at that moment, I saw the version of him I was just searching for.

He had the same look that the princes have, when their waiting at the bottom of the staircase, eyes tracking their princess as she glides down in the most whimsical dress, so clearly in love with her. That was what I was looking at rightnow.

Although I had to forget about thelove part. He wasn't a prince and I certainly wasn't a princess. We were civil, that's all.

---