Page 71 of Wonderstruck

I used to think that kind of bravery—putting on a brave face and carrying on—was easy. But growing up with the father I had, I’d learned the hard way that it was the hardest thing in the world.

She stopped skating, pulling away from me. For a second, I thought I’doverstepped. But then she turned to face me, our skatesbarely a foot apart, before her eyes, that fire dancing between them, met mine. “Why did you ignore me last year?”

The question hit like a puck to the gut.

Suddenly my breaths felt like they’dtripled. “What?” I asked, my voice breathless.

She didn’t move. “I just… I don’tunderstand it.” She skated just that little bitcloser. “Okay, sure, we're friends and you don't want to see me upset. I appreciate that. But I don’t know what’s changed for you to want to be around methismuch. Jess and Tristan don't want to see me sad but they don't do this. They don't offer to help me chase my dreams and that's fine, I wouldn't expect them to. But this?" Disbelief filled her eyes. "The second I start to question it, something else in my life happens that I have to focus on, only for you to pop up somewhere to save me. And bang, I’m back trying to guess what’s changed.” Her hands tugged at the ends of her braids, while her eyes searched mine, like she was hoping to find the answer in there. “I’m sorry, I know you’re trying to help and I can’t thank you enough for that but…” Her head shook. “I don’t think I can focus on anything until know why I’m suddenly the only person you want to be around.”

A laugh that I’d never heard from her, sharp yet fragile, echoed between us. “And I don’t know why I’m telling myself to trust that it’ll stick when I’m positive that you’ll break me again.”

It felt like a knife slashed through myheart, with every word she spoke. Guilttwisted in my stomach. Anger bubbled in my core.That gnawing feeling that I’d pushed away all for nothing was eating at me like a wildfire ripping away a forest.

“When we're like this, together,sometimes I feel like I’m dreaming. That I’llwake up and just start to cry because I’ll remember that you don’t actually like me.” The crack in her voice was enough for me to skate to her, gripping her hands in mine, forgetting the world, just for a second. “That I’ll have to spend the rest of my time here avoiding you because just thinking about that night is enough for me to never want to leave my room again.”

“I’m sorry.” I squeezed her hands, before her head fell forward.

Quick as anything I caught it, pinning her eyes to me.

“I was scared,” I admitted.

“Of me?”

“Of losing you.”

Her face softened, keeping still under my hold. But the distance between us felt fragile, like the wrong word might shatter it. So instead, I waited for her, to let what I’d said settle.

Eventually, her lips pried open, her brows pulled. “What made you think youwould have lost me?”

I shook my head, thoughtlessly skimming my thumbs over the backs of her hands. “That hadmore to do with me than it did with you, trust me—”

“Then what happened?” Her eyes were the boldest I’d seen them. All wide anddetermined.

It made me want to tell her. Everything. About my home. About Dad. Why every time I felt myself gravitating towards her, Ihad to ask myself whether the risk was worth it. Whether I’d be willing to chance ruining my life if something happened to us. To her.

“Like I said, I was scared.” I let my handfall back down by my side. “I don’t know why.”

You know why, you coward.

I watched as she took it in, waiting for her to react. But all she did, all I knewshe’d do, was let a small smile grace her lips as she looked up at me, her cheeks brightening, and her eyes regaining some of that warmth.

“You wouldn’t have lost me,” she saidquietly, shaking her head as she began to skate around me. I turned around to follow her. “If you’d said yes… I wouldn’t have gone anywhere. I had such a crush on you.” Her laugh bounced off the sides of the rink, mesmerising enough that I could ignore that she said ‘had’ and not ‘have’.

You should be happy about that. Havingher attached to you will only make you feel worse when you eventually get scared again.

I had to squeeze my eyes closed for asecond.

I didn’t want to get scared again. I didn’twant to repeat history.

So what do you want then?

I opened my eyes, finding her just intime for the word to echo in my head.

Her. I wanther.

“But hey,” Her voice was back to normalthen, light and airy and that chirp weaving through every word that left her. “Maybesaying no, saying nothing, was the right thing. Who knows? Maybe I wasn’t ready then.”

“And now?” I asked without thinking,my voice breathless, as though I’d just finished a game.

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