Page 9 of Wonderstruck

But as I imagine myself floating on my back, lapping up the emeraldshades in my hands, I lose my balance, no longer feeling the bottom with my feet. And I panic, I lose my breath, and I feel the humiliation wash over me and snatch the life from me.

My mind dragged me back to last year. Goldie’s birthday dinner. And then Iremembered all the ways that stare hurt me, forcing me to focus on the tips of my shoes again.

I don’t deserve all this heartache. What have I done to deserve this? Tellme. Please tell me so I can right whatever wrong I’ve done. I'm sorry, okay? Please. Tell me anything. I want my life back to the way it was.

I finally lifted my head, praying that he wouldn't notice the sheen over myeyes. But as I fell into that lethal stare I felt it; the spark of fury that ignited everytime I thought aboutwhat had happened between us. I shrugged, as casually as my shoulders would allow while that fury rattled through me. “I spoke French before I knew English, of course my cursing is good.”

I caught the flicker in his eyes—something quick and sharp, skating justbeneath the surface. It wasn’t surprise. Pride, maybe? Or guilt? Whatever it was, it twisted me up inside, making it even harder to figure him out.

This was the same person who turned me down and then spent our freshman yearavoiding me like I was contagious. The same person who asked about me through my friends, because he didn’t want to find me and ask me myself. And now here he was, gazing down at me like some goddamn saviour, ready to scoop me up in his arms and save me from crumbling my life.

If this was his sympathy stare, then I’d scream. He avoided me for too long tonow come riding up on his white horse and shiny armor.

Like I could read the question every person I’d crossed paths with this summerhad asked me written in his mind, ready to fall out, I blurted. “I’m fine.”

He tilted his head slightly, not enough that it was condescending, but enoughthat his blonde waves drooped over his forehead, whatever he’d washed it with wafting between us. Almond, I think.

His mouth parted, the beginnings of his wicked smirk teasing in the corners. “Well hello to you too, Aurora." I felt mystomach hollow at the depth of his voice. "And, you do know that it’s okay if you’re not. Right?”

God, that voice. All deep and warm. It wasenough for me to remember all the reasons I fell for him last year.

You fell and he broke your heart, Aurora. Don’t forget that.

I angled my head up to him with wobbly courage, not breakingour stare. “Since when do you careabout my feelings?”

He didn’t falter. “Since always.” He dared a step forward, thickening the airbetween us. “Even more so since you lost another parent, Rory.”

Don’t think about that right now. Don’tyou dare.

“I know what that loss feels like; remember. And know that swallowingwhatever is stopping you from crying right now won’t always work.”

Considering we spent so much of our time trying to exist anywhere but around each other last year, we really weren't the type for small talk. Nope, we went straight for the obvious. And right now that happened to be the fact that I'd clearly just bee crying and he'd found me in the middle of what would have been a breakdown had he not.

He shifted his weight, eyes holding me, as though I were nestled in his arms. “I’m just reminding you that I’m here. Daisy’s here.” He nodded. “Whenever you need.”

I’m drowning, Finn. I’m sinking, and I don’t know how to pull myself up forair. Let megrab your hand.

It would be so easy to let myself caveright now. But I couldn’t. I wouldn’t forgive myself if I jumped into his arms at the first sign of affection, only for him to drop me again.

I shook my head, shaking free those thoughts. Trusting his voice, and his eyes, was a terrible plan, one that would only end in more destruction.

He shuffled his weight, scrubbing a thumb against his stubble. I already didn’tlike the question I could see him waiting to ask.Almost on cue, his lips popped open. “Also, this might sound weird, but… Ithink we saw each other.” Oh no. “I didn’t know that you lived—”

“That wasn’t me.” I blurted.

Finn blinked at me, his eyes telling me better than words could that that was allthe confirmation he needed to know it was me he saw that day. “It wasn’t you?”

I shook my head. “No. And I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

A humourless smilecurled up his face as he pulled his slipping backpack up higher on his shoulder. “Right.”

I blinked. “What?”

His arms flailed helplessly. “Is that whatit’s going to be like again this year?”

“Like what again?”

His stare didn’t falter, like he’d been waiting for this conversation all summer.“This. Us. Pretending that we don’t exist.”

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