Page 134 of The Road to Ruined

"I'll get you something to wear. Do you want my clothes or your clothes?"

"Yours," I tell him.

"Okay. I'll be right back."

After he leaves the bathroom, I climb down from the counter and clean myself up. I forget about the hair until I see it there in the sink.

It's a weird feeling.

"Don't be mad at me," Declan says when he sees me staring at it.

"I'm not."

He helps me into a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants, and then we return to the main cabin. I wrap that same blanket around my shoulders, and before I can sit in the seat next to him, he pulls me into his lap again.

"Declan?"

"Yeah?"

"What if I can't stop hurting people?" I ask him. "What if I can't stop fantasizing about all of the ways I could kill people with just the things in the room? I've done it—or I've almost done it—so many times. It doesn't feel bad anymore. I'm not good."

"I do it, too, Teagan. Not quite like that—but I do. After I killed for the first time, all I thought about was doing it again. I'd be walking down the street and thinking,what would happen if I pushed this person in front of a bus? No one could stop me. I could make it look like an accident.Participating in the rituals sated it momentarily, but ultimately, only made the urge stronger. Killing doesn't help. But what you ultimately want is to be free, right?"

"Well…yeah."

"If you let your violent urges control you, you aren't free," he says. "And you won't be free; we'll get caught. But I'll make your life easy, and you can cut me whenever you want."

"I can?"

"If you're sad or you're hurting, you can take it out on me. I owe you that. If you need it, you can have it. I told you—you can have whatever you want from me. Maybe we can make up a new game."

"Like what?"

"You want to hurt me? I want to hurt you, too, Teagan. I told you I got hard seeing you on that roof—and you know what it did to me when I cut you in that hotel bathroom."

I swallow hard. "Yeah, I do."

"So…we'll learn boundaries. It'll be fun."

I nod. "Yeah…yeah, okay."

"Good girl." He nuzzles his face against mine before kissing my lips. "Is there anything else you're worried about?" he asks.

"Yeah…one more thing," I say, looking at Luca. "He doesn't look good. He's sweating."

And it's cold in the cabin, too.

"It's the drugs," Declan says. "The mood swings, too—he'll be okay. I'll give him a little more when he gets up. We'll get him through it, Teagan. He's young and strong. We have a doctor in Grodno, and we'll do it right."

"Okay."

"You should try to sleep. We'll be there soon."

"Maybe if you sing to me, I'll be able to sleep," I tell him.

He laughs. "You want me to sing? I don't think I've sung anything since we recorded your song."

"You said I could have whatever I wanted."

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