Page 26 of The Road to Ruined

I don't really know how to answer. It's not that I can't picture it—I can. The three of us living in a small cabin in the Northern Canadian Rockies. A big garden, maybe a greenhouse, a couple of dogs and no wifi. River would probably take up knitting, and I'd read old books—the really dense ones that take weeks to finish on account of the constant need to stop and translate the old English. Hazel could teach me how to cook; we'd farm honey and make our own essential oils and medicines, and in the evenings, we'd run barefoot in the woods and call it witchcraft.

And it sounds kind of perfect. Except…there's still a part of me that can't let go, and what if they can't find me?

"She still thinks he might come for her," Hazel says. "That's why."

"Teagan…" River says, shaking her head. "No."

I think about denying it. I open my mouth and try to do just that, but when no sound comes out, I give up. "I can't help it," I tell them. Tears leak from the corners of my eyes again. "I just love them so much."

"Luca is dead, Teagan," River says. "And Declan doesn't love you."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Look around!" River snaps. "How can you not be? Look at what he's done to us. Even if he did come back, how could you forgive him for what he did?"

If I were in her position, maybe I'd see things differently. But I haven't been in reality, watching it all unfold. I've beensheltered from it all, unable to watch the news, unaware of what was happening outside that electric fence. And maybe more importantly, I've been alone. If I had someone to lean on—someone who understood—maybe I'd see things more clearly.

But I don't see things clearly. I don't see things for what they are at all. I see things that aren't really there and ask them to hold me at night. Sometimes, they say no.

"She doesn't want to hear it," Hazel says. "She's not ready. And if she's not ready, there's nothing we can do to save her. It'll kill you, Teagan—one way or another."

"When will you go?" I ask.

"As soon as we can," River says. "As soon as everything is ready."

"How will I know if you're safe? How will I know you made it and someone didn't…"

Kill you.I can't even say the words.

"You won't," Hazel says. "But we're survivors. I'd bet on it."

I smile just a little. "Yeah, I would, too."

"We're cockroaches," River says. "Declan used to say that in the end, it would be the violent who survive; he was wrong. After they all kill each other, it'll be us."

I wonder which one I am—the killer or the cockroach. I don't think it matters because Hazel is probably right, and I'll be dead either way.

"And you can take solace in the knowledge that if we did die, we didn't make it easy," Hazel adds. "You better not make it easy on them, either."

"I won't."

"Teag, I'm so sorry, but…we're expecting a visit from our lawyer in about twenty minutes," River says. "I'd ask you to stay, but—"

"It's fine. I can't stay anyway. Curfew, you know."

"You're going to regret this," River says. "Not coming with us. You won't be able to change your mind."

"Probably," I admit, shrugging as I pull myself up from the couch. "I regret a lot of things, what's one more?"

"You're going to miss me."

"I already miss you."

"Teagan…" she says, shaking her head before pulling my body into hers again. "Please take care of yourself."

"I will," I tell her. "I don't regret meeting you. You saved my life, remember?"

"Of course I do," River says.

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