Page 72 of The Road to Ruined

She stops mid-sentence, her eyes settling on something above my shoulder. Sebastian's hand closes around my wrist and squeezes forcefully while the other pries the knife from my fingers. He carries it to the sink and runs it under the water before putting it in the dishwasher, scolding me with his eyes.

"He knows how to load the dishwasher, too," Blakely says. "He's a keeper. Maybe you can teach Austin before you go."

"I'll help you with those plates," he tells her.

I stay there, frozen, while they each grab three and carry them out the door and then Sebastian steps back inside.

"Hey," he says, pulling me into his chest. "It's okay."

I wrap my arms around him and let go of a sob.

"You're okay," he says, running his hands up and down my back. "I've got you."

"I don't want to hurt Blake," I whisper. "I love her."

"I know," he says. "I warned you about this, though—this is what I was talking about. You need to be careful, sweetheart. It's okay. Nothing happened; you're fine."

I let him hold me there like that for a while until my heart rate slows and my breathing evens out. And when I let go of him, he tilts my chin and kisses me on the lips.

"Is that a lie, too?" I ask.

He shakes his head. "Never. Come on, let's go back outside."

I nod, taking his hand and following him out the back door. Sebastian doesn't let go, holding my hand under the table while we eat cheesecake. He rubs small circles inside my palm with his thumb, and I try not to cry while everyone talks and laughs, oblivious as usual to the way I'm feeling.

How did I become this?

And when we finish, he helps my mom with the dishes, who insists he comes back soon, and I walk him out the front door.

When I reach the bottom step, I sink down onto it, dropping my head into my hands.

"Are you going to be okay?" he asks, sitting beside me.

"I'll do it," I tell him. "I'll join The Order and become no one."

"I think that's for the best," he says.

"I don't want to hurt any of them; they don't deserve that so…I can't stay here. But I do want to go to Vegas. And I want to go to the wedding like I said. For closure. My mom has been trying to talk me into moving in with her sister in North Carolina and trying to be someone different there, so I'm going to tell her that's what I'm doing. And then maybe we can make them think I died in a car accident."

He nods. "If that's what you want."

"It's not what I want," I tell him. "But it's all I get, isn't it?"

"Do you want me to stay with you tonight?" he asks. "I can. I'll hold you."

"But why would you do that? You don't even like me."

"That's not true," he says. "I told you that I really do care about you. I told you that I can't love you, but I can't love anything. It's hard to explain but…I like you like…the way I like my favorite song. Or my favorite quote from a book. Both of those things—and you—make me feel something. Something real. I like you like I want to own you and put you on a shelf." He leans in close and whispers in my ear, "I like the way your body feels wrapped around my dick. But none of those things are love, baby."

"I don't want you to stay. I…want some space."

He raises an eyebrow. "Space?"

"Yeah. And I want to go with my sister to Las Vegas without you following me—and without anyone else following me, either. For closure, like I said."

"Do you think that's a good idea?"

"Yeah. I just need to be…more self-aware."

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