Page 44 of Slay the Gay Away, Daddy

Then it happens. The image flips. Security footage. Miles’ bedroom. Why the fuck is there a hidden camera in Miles’ bedroom?

“No,” Miles whispers, backing. “Please, no.” When I turn to him, he’s white as a ghost. His eyes are burning into mine, pleading, begging for a miracle, but I’m not a miracle-maker. I’m just a twenty-something twink with boundary issues and borderline-problematic methods of wooing the man I love. “What do we do?”

I don’t have an answer for him.

The video plays in the background, and in it, I’m in Miles’ lap, kissing him gently. Thankfully, it ends soon after and doesn’t show anything too damning, but the kiss is proof enough.

Our lives are about to change, and I can’t stop it from happening.

Turning, Miles rushes out of the bar, and I follow close behind. When he makes it to the truck, he doesn’t offer to help me in. While he cranks it, I climb up, panting by the time I’m seated. There is absolutely no reason a truck should be this high to the goddamn sky. Miles has his head pressed against the steering wheel, and his eyes are shut tight.

We’re quiet, the only sounds around us being that of Miles’ exhaust, and his soft whimpers. I’ve got a hand on his back as a gentle reassurance that he’s not in this alone.

“God dammit,” he cries, and it’s a deep, wounded, feral sound, scaring the hell out of me. “I’ve given you everything!”

I deserve this. Whatever he has to say, I’ve more than earned it. That doesn’t make it any easier to sit through. I’ve never heard Miles swear, and I’ve damn-sure never heard him say “God damn.” Those words are the ultimate sin for an evangelical. Even more than taking another man’s cock up your ass. The fact he’s taken the Lord’s name in vain, and knowing I’m the reason he’s done so, feels like a punch to the gut. I open mymouth to apologize, but tension hang heavy in the air and I can’t make my mouth work. I know he’s pissed off at me. He deserves to be pissed off at me, because I’ve ruined his life. I’ve taken everything he cares about and tossed it in the trash. Miles rears his arm back and slams his fist into the steering wheel, his truck’s horn piercing the night around us.

Then, silence.

“Darren,” he whimpers, and then, “Darren, please.”

I slide closer, trying to keep my composure, because the broken sound of his voice is too much for me to handle. “I’m right here, baby. I’ve got you.”

“I’ve given Him everything.” His voice is soft, hardly more than a whisper, and he sniffles, calm and slow. “I’ve given Him my entire life. I’ve torn myself in two to be worthy of His love, and it’s still not enough. He’s taking everything. He’s taking it all.”

I have no words to soothe my wayward pastor, so I give him the only thing I can. Something special. Something true. “Baby, look at me.” When he sits up, the indention of the steering wheel is still pressed into his forehead. I cup his cheeks, keeping the touch gentle. “Let Him.”

“What?”

“Let Him,” I repeat, inching closer. “Let Him take everything, and He’ll still have nothing, because we areeverything. I don’t give a damn if you have a big, fancy house or if you’re leading a congregation. Those aren’t the reasons I love you. They’re not why I want to be with you.”

His brows droop in defeat, and he closes his eyes, shaking his head. “I don’t know who I am without Him.”

“Mine,” I swear. “You’re mine, and if something as simple as loving another man is enough for Him to cast you out of his kingdom, I’ll make room for you in mine.”

“I’m sorry,” he whispers.

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for.”

“I do. I’ve always tried to protect you. When you were . . .” He takes a breath and pulls his hand away. “When you were little, and my father started preaching his hate speech, there was this little fire in my chest. I’d heard him preach about us a million times by then. I was used to it. But the fire only started when you moved here. It was like it was talking to me. Telling me you shouldn’t have to hear it, because . . . because you’d hear it enough one day.” He takes my hand, and the grip is almost relentless. “I think I knew. I think I knew you were just like me, right from the start. I lied to myself and said it was just your way. You were delicate by nature.” Sniffling, he shakes his head. “You were a bouncing, sparkling little light, and I tried to turn that light out.”

“Miles, I wasn’t ever going to actually turn straight. I was only going along with it to spend time with you.”

“I didn’t know that, though. I thought I was leading you back to the straight and narrow. I’m a monster.”

I squeeze his hand. “Did you though?”

He jerks his head to look at me. “What do you mean?”

“Miles, baby, you doodled stick figures and watched me jack off. Did you seriously think that was going to turn me straight?”

His eyes narrow. “Are you insinuating I did all this to watch you masturbate?”

“No. I think you just missed your best friend and you wanted to spend time with him, same as me.” I lean the side of my face against his headrest and smile. “You have no idea how much I missed you when I was at college. It was agony. You made me promise to be brave before I left, but I was so fucking scared, Miles. I wanted to call you as soon as I got there and beg you to come pick me up, but I knew you would be disappointed in me. So, I stayed, and I tried to carve a life for myself, but you’d already carved out my heart. That’s what it felt like. Like part ofme was still back here with you. I could barely sleep. It was hard to make it through most days. You were my best friend, and then you were just gone, and I was in this big new place with people who thought all kinds of crazy things. Things that made sense. Things your father preached against all our lives. I wanted you with me. I wanted you to see the real world for yourself.”

“I was jealous,” he whispers, looking down at my hand. “I hated myself for it, but I was so jealous you got out. My dad wasn’t ever going to let me leave, but your father practically shoved you out the door.” He sniffles. “He made me marry Mal, and all I could think was my little Dare-bear was going to get to live the life I never could. I resented you.” The last part is said with so much shame, it sends me to action. I lean forward, unable to be away from him. Needing him to know it’s okay.

“I would have resented you too. If you got out and I was stuck here.” I kiss him. Light as a feather, it’s my gentle promise, “Miles, I want you to listen to me. This life you’re living—this is not a hill you have to die on. There issomuch more out there waiting. Let me show it to you. I have enough money from my time at the agency. Come with me. You and Mal.” The last part surprises me, because dear God, when did I become a Mallory Brooks fanboy? God help me, I stan.

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