Page 24 of Torch Songs

“Yeah.”

“And all that devotion…?”

“Meant less than shit.”

“Ah.”

They were quiet for a moment, so quiet Guthrie almost fell asleep, and then Tad was urging him up.

“Where’m I goin’?” he asked, the painkiller obviously doing its job.

“Getting you into bed.”

“And you’re staying on the couch?” Guthrie asked, his eyes burning. Yup. He’d confessed everything, and Tad didn’t want him. Couldn’t blame the guy. Stand-up guy. And Guthrie was… what’d he call it? Snakebit. Best description Guthrie could think of, right there.

“Only if you tell me to leave,” Tad murmured. He paused to pick up the dishes on the coffee table and turn off the light with his elbow. The light from the kitchen guided them down, and after he’d set the dishes in the sink and turned offthatlight, the night-light in the bathroom would get them to the bedroom.

“I’ve got extra toothbrushes,” Guthrie said, feeling charitable.

“I brought my own,” Tad told him, taking his elbow. “Here. Let me get you into bed. I’ll be there in a minute, in my pjs.”

“Then what?” Guthrie asked, suspicious.

“Then I hold you, and we fall asleep, and when you wake up in the morning, you think to yourself, ‘I could do more of this.’ Then we make plans for that too.”

“Why would you want more of me?” Guthrie asked, feeling plaintive. They were in the dark now, the ambient light from the bathroom giving him the faintest outline of Tad in the darkness.

“Because you’re a guy who would take care of his dad and then get hurt so badly he can barely talk about it and still love his dad. That’s a guy who’ll be there through the hard shit.”

Guthrie’s eyes were burning, brimming over. “I’m tired,” he almost whined. “And stoned. Don’t do this shit to me.”

Tad chuckled and guided him to his bed, pulled back the covers and laid him down on the pillows, where he was glad his hair had mostly dried from the shower, because San Rafael got cold at night, even in the summer. Tad kissed Guthrie’s forehead and said, “I’ll be back in a minute.”

Guthrie doubted. He thought,Yeah, this would be a great time for him to disappear on me, and I wouldn’t blame him one bit.

He almost fell asleep on that thought before the bed depressed on the other side, and then warm hands circled his waist and strong arms hauled him back against the unyielding line of Tad Hawkins’s chest, stomach, and thighs.

“I’m so mad we’re not having sex,” Guthrie confessed, and Tad chuckled again, this time almost directly in his ear.

“Hang in there, Guthrie. It’ll be worth the wait when we do.”

Guthrie fell asleep with the feeling of Tad’s lips grazing the back of his neck… and the promise. When. He’d said when.

HE WOKEin the morning to find Tad gone—but his backpack still on the chair by the bed. Closing his eyes, he heard the shower going, and he smelled coffee brewing in the kitchen and… ooh. Fried potatoes?

He let his eyes adjust to the light seeping between the slats in the blinds and wished—for the umpteenth time—for a cat. They were supposed to be independent, right? A big bowl of food, one of those self-watering jugs—the cat could get by, right?

But it felt like a cheat. How lonely would it be in this apartment by itself, waiting for a human to come by to entertain it.

Maybe a cat and some fish. But that felt wrong, like he was buying cannon fodder. Maybe another cat? He would have to ponder that. He was just tired of coming home to a lonely apartment all the time. He couldn’t imagine, after Tad was finished with… with whatever this was, having to come back to the apartment knowing there wasn’t going to be someone else for a while. Definitely a cat.

“Whatcha thinking about?” Tad asked, and Guthrie focused on him as he came in from the bathroom, a towel wrapped around his waist as he dried his hair with another one.

“Getting a cat,” Guthrie mumbled. “But I’m too busy for a cat. Did you make breakfast?”

“Yeah. It should still be warm. I’ve got to leave in half an hour so I can hit visiting hours with my sister. I’m taking her to the yarn store and the beach today.”

Guthrie blinked. “Busy guy,” he mumbled, absurdly disappointed.

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