Page 65 of Torch Songs

Tad had heard alotabout Seth and Kelly since he and Guthrie had started dating. He knew Seth had played with Guthrie’s band with his father and knew he was famous as a pop-culture violinist, but for the first time Tad got a pang of jealousy when he saw the name in print.

Yes, but why you?

Because we got each other’s backs, Guthrie replied, and Tad couldhearhim saying it. Such a simple thing, but knowing there was more behind it.

Explain that,he insisted.

Well, like we’ve gotten mugged together often enough to know how to fight back-to-back.

Tad saw that and actually shuddered, remembering the last time Guthrie had gotten mugged. Oh God. It had sucked badly enoughthen, butnowTad was having a retroactive panic attack.

Is he a good fighter?

He fights with his legs to protect his hands. I once watched him dislocate three knees in one fight. It was pretty impressive.

Tad found he was grinding his teeth.Bully for him, he typed and then regretted sending it. He was being an ass.

Go ahead, Guthrie replied.Ask me.

Tad caught his breath, and suddenly he couldn’t do this in text anymore, and he hated that he didn’t think to have this conversation until Guthrie was down in San Rafael.

He hit call without a second thought.

Guthrie’s face appeared, and he seemed to be sitting on his couch, his phone resting on his bent knees. As the image came into focus, he was covering his mouth as he let out a giant yawn, and Tad recalled his day and the fact that he’d just driven threehours to get his equipment, then another hour to get to the venue. Then he’d performed two sets, eaten with his band, and gotten his equipment back to the apartment.

Tired. Tad was having this stupid shitty conversation with him, and Guthrie was weary to the bone.

“I’m sorry,” Tad said. “You look like it was a rough night. We can have this conversation another day.”

Guthrie blinked hard, like he was trying to wake up, and shook his head. “No worries,” he said through another yawn. “It wasn’t supposed to be a secret. Yeah, Seth was the one.”

“The world-class violinist,” Tad said bitterly. He’d actually heard Seth Arnold’s music. It wasreallygood, and Tad hated that he liked it so much.

“That’s the guy. Went to his wedding in January. You don’t got anything to worry about, Tad.”

“You were in love with him,” Tad said softly. “And you’re apparently still a part of his life.”

Guthrie blew out a breath. “Yeah, and he’s planning a recording session that can keep me in the black for another couple of years while I find a job I don’t hate, maybe near you, and put together a band now that this one’s going away. And he’s a friend. His husband’s a friend. We used to all gather together in his tiny little dorm room and watch movies on his laptop, him and Kelly, his friend Amara, her husband Vince. It was, you know, like you probably did in college. Taught me lots, I guess, abouthavingfriends that I didn’t get in high school.”

“Why not?” Tad asked. “Why no friends in high school?”

Guthrie grunted. “’Cause my daddy and Uncle Jock had me on the road most weekends and lot of weeknights to boot,” he said. “I barely fuckin’ graduated that place, but boy, I knew the name of every bartender between Monterey and San Francisco.”

Tad frowned, not sure what to say to that. “Sounds lonely,” he said.

And there it was—that Guthrie shrug. The one that saidWhy are we worried about this when I’ve got other things to fuss over?

“I didn’t think of it like that then,” he said. “I was making music. I liked that. Felt grown-up. Important. And Daddy and Jock got drunk most nights. Didn’t care who I spent my time with.”

“Ah,” Tad said. “Lots of boys?”

Guthrie shook his head. “Not at first,” he murmured. “Little of both. Then a few more boys. Then the girls started to feel like a lie. Then we hired Seth and….” He sighed. “He’s different. His head’s up in the clouds most days. But he… he played Christmas music one night. We didn’t have a Christmas set worked up, but the crowd was feeling sentimental, and he stepped up and just… played old hymns, and every note was so pure. It made me feel like I had to be a better musician to be on the stage with that much talent, so I got better.” That shrug again. “Look, man. We’ve all got a past, right? You got a guy you lived with that you realized you didn’t really love. I got a guy I loved that I kissed once so I’d know what it would feel like when I found that again. I know we haven’t kissed alot, Tad, but I’ll tell you something. That one kiss with Seth was worth all your fretting, because I know what a real kiss is. I know that’s the sort of kisses I have with you. Isthatwhat you wanted to know?”

“Yeah,” Tad said, ashamed and moved and sleepy all at the same time. “That and why we can’t have these conversations when we’re in the same room.”

Guthrie’s expression went soft. “Baby, you are still healing. You’re falling asleep over your tablet as it is. Put the tablet down, get some sleep, and I’ll be at your place the day after tomorrow.”

It felt like forever. “April needs to go yarn shopping,” Tad mumbled. “She wants you to take her. Is that okay?” He’d beenso involved in his own pain he hadn’t even seen how Guthrie and April had been getting along.

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