Page 5 of Paxton

My head rises and falls slightly, the warmth of a muscular chest beneath my cheek. I gently sit up, not wanting to disturb the sleeping Paxton who lies beneath me.

The reality of last night crashes over me, and I swear my entire being cringes at the memory.

Breaking up with Liam after one too many jokes about us riding off into the sunset together—after I continuously told him that wasn’t going to happen—and him abandoning me at that chaotic festival I hadn't even wanted to go to in the first place as a result,stings.

Paxton coming to pick me up with no questions asked and somehow finding me among a sea of faces, helping me come down from the panic that had gripped me, soothes that small hurt, just a little.

I must’ve fallen asleep in his arms last night after he brought me back to his place. I’m not entirely surprised. Paxton has always been a safe space for me.

Liam had tortured me for a week after yet another disagreement about our future, playing music at all hours ofthe night and having his friends knock on my door like high schoolers pulling pranks. Last night was the first decent sleep I've gotten in a while, and it was on a couch, with Paxton’s muscled body beneath me.

I look down at him, my heart expanding in my chest. Involuntary need flares through my veins. I smell like him—coriander and lavender with notes of orange blossom—and Ireallylike it. It's not the first time we've fallen asleep together, but it’s the first time I needed him so badly, to cling to his solid safety in order to ground myself.

Our families have been friends for decades, so we’ve been on our fair share of camping trips and vacations where we were always tossed into our own hotel room, spending the midnight hours indulging in room service treats and laughing until our stomachs hurt.

Paxton has been a constant my entire life, a true friend I can be completely myself around and never fear reproach or judgment. We have a mile-long list of adventures our families have taken us on, and I’ve never once felt like our time together wastoo much.

Honestly, I can never get enough of him, and that always scares the shit out of me.

I look down at my best friend now, a smile tugging at the corner of my lips while my heart aches in a way that’s hard to describe. Paxton means everything to me. He’s my center of gravity when I’m threatening to spin right off the planet.

And I wantmorewith him.

I have for so long, the ache is almost a permanent piece of me. And it’s gotten worse over the last few years. I don’t know how much longer I can go on denying it.

But just because I want him doesn’t change things.

I don’t want to get married. I never have.

Thanks to my mother being one of the most sought-after divorce lawyers in the country, I’ve witnessed enough of her cases to know marriage isn’t something I want to subject myself to. It doesn’t matter that my mom and dad have been happily married for decades…I’ve seen too many relationships fail to ever want to risk it.

And Paxton? He’s talked about wanting to get married and have kids someday since we were teenagers.

There’s no way I would mess with his dreams by asking him to be with me but not in a way that would eventually lead us down the aisle. It would be too painful on both ends.

And even with Liam, asnot seriousas things were him, he’d still found a way to hurt me. Of course, he didn’t know about my triggers or abandonment issues or my problems with crowds because he’d never taken a minute to ask me about anything beyond surface-level stuff. Which was ironic, since he constantly talked about marriage and kids and white picket fences.

Should I have waited until we'd gotten back to the safety of my apartment before breaking things off? Probably. But I honestly didn't believe he’d be so angry with me that he’d leave me stranded without a car. He probably assumed I’d call somebody to pick me up or grab a Lyft…he couldn't have known the panic attack he set off, but it doesn't exactly excuse his actions, either.

The memory of Paxton finding me, his eyes meeting mine, his hands on my face as he pulled me to him, rushes through me. A succession of warm tendrils spirals beneath my skin, making me feelallsorts of things.

Safe being one of them.

Just like I’d felt safe enough to fall asleep in his arms. He could’ve moved me off of him last night, he knows how deep of a sleeper I am. He could’ve gone to his bed in the middle of the night, but he didn't. And I hate that my mind lingers on thereasoning behind it, that nagging thought that's plagued me for so many years—does he feel the same way as I do? The need? The longing? The electricity whenever our bodies touch?

Even if he did, I’ll only let him down. Paxton deserves someone who will be just as excited for marriage and kids someday as he is, and that just isn’t me. Besides, he’s the one person in this entire world that I can’t lose, and if I tell him how I really feel, it’ll change things between us, quite possibly enough to end our friendship.

Paxton stretches, his muscles clenching and relaxing from the motion before he opens his eyes. He glances around before seeing me sitting there next to him, and the smile that spreads across his face is breathtaking. It makes my heart flip, and my breath catch.

I quickly stand up, flashing him an apologetic look. “I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable last night. I doubt you sleep on your couch often.”

“You didn't make me uncomfortable,” he says, chuckling softly as he stretches again.

“If I did,” I say, “I can give you free body work. If you have any cramps or anything. I know it's off-season, but the last thing I want is to mess you up in some way.”

Paxton sits up, his hands sliding into mine as he shakes his head. “You didn't hurt me,” he says. “I'm just glad you were able to get some sleep.”

“I feel like a new woman,” I admit, then motion to the guest bedroom where the bathroom inside is calling my name.

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