Page 16 of A Sacrifice in the Smoke

It’s raining again, of course. Gray water washes down the window like a tide. The night air is sharp as steel and bitterly cold. Like ghosts, memories follow and haunt me.

Heartbreak isn’t romantic or dramatic—it’s a small irritation, a callus under your heel, a loose tooth you poke at with your tongue. Heartbreak you can live with, but love is the real killer. Walking around with love pumping in your heart and thrumming through your veins is like walking down the street with a knife between your ribs.

Drew’s memorial service takes place in a stuffy chapel.

We watch flames crackle around my friend’s casket. The ring I took off his finger now hangs on a chain around my neck, the golden skull tucked between my breasts. Whatever soothing effect it had in the tunnel is now gone—the cold creeps under my skin, chilling me to the bone. Strangely enough, I welcome its sting. Do I have the right to mourn the loss of someone I never had, though? Someone who I caused pain?

Whatever the right answer is, I’m not going anywhere.

Nina approaches the old, wooden podium. Her throat moves as she visibly swallows. All the fire, the adamance and zeal she’d had in such abundance, has faded away. Her lavender eyes are dull, puffy from crying, shadowed not with makeup but with sleepless days.

“Some things don’t feel real or true until you say them out loud. Drew is gone. My brother is dead,” she begins. Her matter-of-fact tone is sandpaper against the wall of my guilt and anguish. I want to close my eyes, to look away from this scene I’ll never be able to scrape from my memory no matter how hard I try. I don’t deserve the relief, though, so I keep my eyes on Nina and listen to every word, letting the pain devour me from the inside.

When she’s finished, a robed man standing next to the burning casket asks if anyone else would like to speak about Drew’s life. Even now, I don’t move. I listen to him continue with the service, reciting some bible verse.

Afterwards, there’s a small reception behind the chapel. Someone must’ve anticipated the rain, because there’s a large tent set up. A local bakery—apparently the owner had adored Drew, who came every week with his smiles and his sweetness—provided light snacks, along with coffee and tea, but the smell makes my stomach churn. I walk away from the crowd of Drew’s friends, feeling like the monster they believe me to be.

Cemeteries in New Ve are different from those in literature—instead of headstones or mausoleums, there are pillars, and resting atop each pillar is a vase that’s been nailed into the stone. Every vase contains ashes. Along the front of the pillars, usually carved into the very stone, are names, dates, and inscriptions.

Finding myself at the vase meant for Drew’s ashes, I blink back tears, swallowing the lump in my throat. “I’m sorry,” I whisper. “You deserved better. So much fucking better.”

I sniffle, wiping the wetness tracking down my cheeks with the back of my hand. Noah’s cologne tickles my nose before I sense him behind me. He sighs softly and rests his hand on my shoulder.

“Why him?” I ask, my voice breaking. “Why him and not me?”

The vampire’s hand slides from my shoulder to around my waist. “Death is for the supporting cast, princess,” he murmurs, his mouth at my ear. “You and I, we’re going to live forever.”

I laugh, a watery sound, and don’t bother to tell him thatIwon’t live forever. “You’re an asshole.”

“At least I’m an honest asshole.” He removes his arm and moves to stand next to me, close enough our shoulders brush. I tear my gaze from Drew’s name and focus on Noah. His dark hair spills over the collar of his trench coat.

I exhale a shaky breath. “I wasn’t ready for this, Noah. Not just losing Drew, but… everything. No matter where I turn, something is on fire. Someone is dying. And I can’t protect anyone I care about, because I’m barely hanging on myself.”

Noah casts me a sideways glance, his eyes a soft emerald. “Just try to hang on a little longer. It’ll get easier, I promise.”

The grief feels like barbed wire, wrapped around my heart, tightening every time I remember that Drew is dead. “How would you know? Have you ever lost someone?” I hear myself snap.

He pauses. “I know what it feels like to have your guts ripped out. Is that good enough for you?”

Noah’s expression doesn’t change as he speaks, but somehow I know that I’ve hurt him. Tears well in my eyes. “Shit, Noah, I’m—”

“I’ll catch up with you later, baby vampire,” he cuts in, brushing a kiss across my forehead. He buttons his suit jacket as he walks toward the cemetery gate, then out to the street. I watch my partner go—although I suppose he’s not my partner, anymore—and wait for him to disappear into the shadows before returning to the reception. I promised Drew I would watch over Nina, which means I should probably try to repair the damage between us.

Nina is nowhere in sight, but I find Ada standing off to the side of the crowd, sipping tea from a paper cup. She smiles softly at a photo album in front of her, displayed on a small pedestal.

“Charlotte,” she murmurs before glancing up to meet my gaze. She sets her cup down on a table and turns to me. Her black dress flaps in the wind, revealing her too-thin frame. “I’m glad to see you here.”

I blink at her in surprise. “You are?”

“You never told me that Gabriela sent you. I had no idea she was your Caretaker.”

There’s something in Ada’s voice that makes me stare—it’s the sort of softness I use whenever I say Drew’s name. “Who is she to you?” I ask, even though I already know the answer.

Ada almost smiles. “We dated for a while, in another lifetime. She’s the only person I’ve ever truly loved, I think. Anyway, she paid a visit to me today. It was the first time I’ve seen her in thirteen years… and she spent most of it yelling at me. Apparently I was supposed to watch over you.”

Ada takes my hand—the one that isn’t ripped up like a piece of paper. I haven’t fed since the injury, so my healing has been slow. “I want you to come back,” the vampire says, her words ringing with sincerity. “Live with me.”

My eyebrows are high with wonderment. “I’ll need some time to think about it. But… what did Gabrielasayto you?”

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