Page 57 of The Devil's Trials

He nods. “It did. As it turns out, I don’t need a soul to feel certain things. I guess I should’ve known that after being friends with Blake all these years. He’s the most emotional person I’ve ever met, and there’s no chance that bastard has a soul.”

I sit in silence, trying to keep up with everything he’s throwing at me. I haven’t let myself consider that Xander could have feelings for me without a soul, but hearing this, I can’t stop myself from thinking about the possibility.

“As conflicted as I am most days, my feelings for you haven’t changed, no matter how hard I fight them.”

I immediately want to kick myself. I’m being too vulnerable around him, but I can’t seem to stop. It’s like it’s always been—feeling connected to him,longingfor him, even after all he’s done. Even when I know I absolutely shouldn’t.

So why the hell do I still feel this way?

He squeezes my knee. “You can’t fight the soulmate bond.”

Soulmate.

Xander’s words are a violent kick to the gut, knocking the air from my lungs in a viciouswhoosh.

My rib cage ignites with fire, my eyes springing tears as I stare at the most powerful demon in the world sitting on my bed.

Soulmate.

“You’re my…” I trail off, my voice cracking as my vision blurs.

Soulmate.

My heart cleaves in two as an unbearable weight falls onto my chest. I swallow hard, trying to dislodge the lump in my throat as I grip the blanket in my lap until my knuckles turn white. I try to calm my racing thoughts, but can’t make sense of anything through the fog in my head.

I haven’t heard the term outside romance books or considered the possibility of soulmates being real. And yet, there’s a burst of warmth in my gut that tells me it’s true. “What does this mean?”

The pain etched in his features digs deep into my chest, only made worse when he says, “I don’t…Our bond was broken when I killed Lucia and lost my soul.”

I try to take a deep breath, but my lungs constrict, and I choke on a gasp. The room spins, and the bit of food I managed to eat earlier threatens to make a nasty reappearance.

“That’s what I’ve felt,” I whisper and lift my hand to my chest, pressing my palm against the pounding there. As crazy as the notion of us being connected by an otherworldly bond is, I can’t deny the certainty that seizes me. “There’s been this…physical absence of something I can’t put my finger on, no matter how hard I try. That must be it.”

“I’m sorry.” He pulls his hand back, and I feel the loss of his touch more profoundly than it seems should be possible. “You don’t deserve the pain of—”

“Loving you?” I blurt, my chest seconds away from bursting with all the emotions at war in my tattered heart. “Believe me, there are many times I’ve wished I could stop.”

Is the soulmate bond what’s kept me from being able to walk away from Xander even when I know I should?

I resent the idea, especially when this isn’t the first time I’ve been forced to face the possibility that my connection to Xander might be what I thought it was.

I pull my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around my legs. The urge to bury my face in my hands or scream into a pillow has tears spilling down my cheeks before I can blink them away. Here I am, once again having the rug pulled out from under me, questioning everything I believed about my feelings for Xander.

“How long have you known?” I ask in a low voice. I can’t hide it if I tried—I’m fucking drained.

Xander sighs softly. “I think we should save this conversation for when you’re well.”

My jaw clenches, and I shake my head. “When, Xander?” My voice cracks. “When did you know we were soulmates? Was it after the first time we kissed? After we slept together?”

He looks away for a minute that seems to last forever before his eyes meet mine again, and something inside me cracks wide open when he says, “I knew the moment my mother was going to kill you.”

I stare at Xander, my heart pounding in my throat and my stomach twisted in so many knots, I fear the nausea is going to lead me to vomit as I try to wrap my head around that. The room falls silent, save for the beating of my heart—it’s so intense I can feel it in my throat.

He discovered we were soulmates moments before he lost his soul. He was faced with the harsh reality of losing me at the hands of his own mother, and something must have snapped into place.

I try to think back to that horrific day, to recall what I was feeling. If perhaps part of me knew it then, too. But everything is dark and fuzzy and painful, and I don’t want to feel any of it. Paired with the rush of emotions, I feel as if I’m having an out-of-body experience. Like maybe this isn’t real, just another dream he’s appearing in.

Xander’s gaze holds mine, and with each second that ticks by, I find it harder to keep the space between us. Before I know it, I’m shifting mylegs so I can move closer and wrap my arms around his neck. His arms come around me without hesitation, and I bury my face in his chest, the rapid beat of his own heart against my ear making my eyes burn. He slides his fingers into my hair, cradling my head, and I have no idea what’s happening or what it means, just that I don’t want it to end. Because learning about the bond between us also means knowing it was destroyed when Xander lost his soul.

---