Page 75 of Perfect on Paper

“I know,” I said simply. I didn’t make any move to defend myself, to say I only wanted to look out for her, because, honestly, I didn’t know how much of that I believed anymore. And Brooke would see right through that if I tried it. If I wanted her respect, I had to own my shit. Even if the way she was looking at me right now was straight out of my worst nightmares.

“You wanted me to dump her.”

“Yeah, I did. And now I regret that. I was angry at her for what she did to you, and I didn’t think she deserved you, and I was jealous you thought she was perfect. I wanted you to see she wasn’t.”

Brooke had forgotten all about her food by this point. All she could do was sit and stare at me. “Wow.”

“I am so sorry that I didn’t tell you. It was wrong, and so selfish, and I can’t even say I didn’t know what I was doing, because Idid.It was really manipulative of me, and I’m fully aware of that, which is why I’m telling you now.”

But Brooke had torn her eyes away from me to frown at the table. “Wait, you were running the locker when Jaz and I got those weird responses telling us to stay away from each other.”

And as much as I knew she’d realize this sooner or later, I truly felt that I would’ve rather been shoved inside the locker and left there to starve to death than face Brooke with this. If time travel existed, I would grab hot coals or swallow wet concrete or rip my chest clean open in exchange for the chance to take it back.

“Yeah,” I whispered.

“You were jealous,” Brooke repeated. There was an understanding beneath her words. I couldn’t meet her eyes, and my cheeks were burning so hot they were surely only moments from blistering. It had clicked. It’d finally clicked. And she was looking at me with something that could only be described as disdain. Time seemed to be warping, going simultaneously slower and faster. “Okay. To clarify. You didn’t tell me about the locker, let me write to you with private information not knowing it was you, abused that position to wreck something I had going with someone else because you werejealous, then did itagainwith Ray because you werejealous. And at no point did you tell me you were jealous, or why that might have been. Have I missed anything?”

“I amsosorry, you have no idea, I can’t evenbegin—”

“I’m not mad at you,” she said over me, raising her voice. “Because mad would be the understatement of thecentury.”

“If there’s anything I can do, anything, I swear—”

“I don’t evenknow you,” she cried, standing up. A few people looked over at us curiously. “Whoareyou? How could youdo that? I don’t… I just… I can’t believe this. Ican’tbelieveit. You liked me, and instead of telling me, you ruined all of my relationships?”

I couldn’t get words out anymore. My throat had completely closed over. I gritted my teeth and tried to keep the tears from spilling.

“You must really not give a shit about me, huh?” Brooke said, still standing. “Because as long as you get to control my life so it’s convenient for you, who the fuck cares how I feel? You watched me, you havewatchedme, for weeks. And you. Said.Nothing.”

“I’m saying something now.”

She laughed, and it froze me. “Well, thank fuck for small mercies.”

Then, with half the freaking cafeteria gawking at us now, she flipped me off while walking backward, then turned on her heel and left me.

Alone.

SEVENTEEN

Dear Locker 89,

My boyfriend and I are in a fight because he’s refusing to come over my house anymore. Basically, my dad and brother have a dry sense of humor, and they make a lot of jokes about what my boyfriend wears or says or does, and it’s been hurting his feelings. I keep trying to explain to him that that’s how they are, and they’ve been doing it to me my whole life and I just try to brush it off and laugh even if it’s not that funny because it’s not worth the drama. I feel like it shows a lack of interest in me / my family that he’s not willing to even try to go along with the jokes. It’s causing problems for me at home now, too, because my family has noticed he won’t talk to them and it’s making them think he’s wrong for me. I don’t know what to do, and I’m resentful that I’m being asked to pick sides.

Please help,

[email protected]

Locker 897:32 p.m. (0 min ago)

to Mrs. Shawn Mendes

Hi Mrs. Shawn Mendes!

Ok, so. Real talk, here. From the information you’ve given me, I don’t think your boyfriend is the one putting pressure on you to unfairly choose sides here. A huge part of a strong relationship is being able to view your partner as a safe base to explore the world: you might go out and get bruised and battered, but when you return to your partner you should feel unconditionally accepted, loved, and supported. We call this safe base “the couple bubble.” When your boyfriend tells you these “jokes” are genuinely upsetting to him, and you invalidate his feelings by telling him to just put up with them, he can’t view you as a safe base anymore, because you don’t have his back when it counts.

Now, I’m not implying you must choose your partner over others in every situation! There are many times when you may prioritize your family and friends. But your boyfriend isn’t asking you to miss a special celebration, or to not be there for someone when they’re sick or in need of help, or to sacrifice something important for him. He’s simply asking for basic respect and dignity in a situation where he’s been made to feel unsafe, and he does not feel supported by you.

From your letter, it seems to me that your dad and brother are failing to respect basic boundaries here (and it sounds like they may also do this with you, which is not somethingyou are required to accept). You don’t need to start a fight with your family members to have your boyfriend’s back. Some solutions might include having a talk with your dad and brother and requesting that they cool it, or saying “that’s not funny” if they make hurtful comments, or assuring your boyfriend that if he comes over and they start making digs that you will go with him into a private area of the house. The key here is that your boyfriend should feel that his hurt feelings matter to you, and that you’re willing to compromise and stand up for him if he is being unfairly disrespected by people around you.

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