Page 101 of If This Gets Out

Hah. He did not seriously just say that to me, did he? “What do you mean ‘so what’?” I ask thinly.

“I mean, let’s say they don’t. That doesn’t mean we lose each other. You’ll have me no matter what. Whether the world knows or not.”

I try to process his words. Where the hell has this come from? “It’s not about that. It’s about being controlled.”

“We’ve kept things private before.”

“But this is about who weare,” I shoot back. “It’s the principle.”

“I don’t think you’re this upset about a principle, Ruben. What’s really worrying you, here? Like,really?”

Well. I don’t exactly think I need a reason to be mad about being forced to hide my sexuality from the world indefinitely. But I’ll bite. “Where do we draw the line? It’s not just about what we say in interviews. What if people start wondering why we don’t ever have girlfriends, and they make us pretend to have them to shut down the rumors? What if one of us gets sick, and they won’t let the other visit us in hospital without the whole band because people will ask questions? This will affect alot, Zach.”

“Oh.” He goes quiet, and stares at the bed, his brow furrowing. I can’t read his face.

Oh my God. Is this like when Zach came out to the band? Is he just going along with this? “Do you… not want to go public?”

“No, I do. It’s not that. I just wondered if it’d be that big a deal if we didn’t.”

“If you don’t want to come out publicly, that’s different. You know that, right?”

“Right, totally. I just… forget it. I hadn’t thought about all those things you said. You have a good point.”

I study him. “You sure?”

“I’m sure.” He squeezes my hand. “I hope we’re able to, then.”

Something seems off about this. Zach’s weirdly detached, and I can’t quite tell if he’s agreeing with me because he agrees with me, or because he knows Iwanthim to agree with me. On something this monumental, the thought that he doesn’t feel like he can express his own opinion worries me. He has to know that this is the one area where he can’t just agree with everyone else to keep the peace and call it a day, right?

Frowning, I pick up my phone to find a stream of messages from Mom and Jon.

Mom’s are expected.

Why aren’t you answering?

Hello? I can see you’re online.

Okay, now you’re offline.

I guess you don’t like my new dress then, haha!

You know, we can talk about something that isn’t you, Ruben.

Maybe next time you want to talk I’ll be too busy for you!

I get a familiar stab of fear in my gut, seeing these. My first instinct is to rapidly reply to calm her down before she getsreallymad. But then I open the messages from Jon.

Are you watching this?

Angel’s livestreaming alone. He’s acting weird.

I think he’s high…

I’m going to check on him.

Are you coming?

Ruben?

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