Page 127 of If This Gets Out

“Sacrifices are supposed to be things like missing out on parties, and being away from your family for longer than you want to be. Notlosingyourself.”

“Well, maybe that’s too optimistic,” Zach says. “I’ve been making sacrifices, too. This? Isnotmy kind of music. I grew up writingmysongs, and listening tomymusic. I didn’t ask to be in a boy band. Our performance at camp was just meant to be for fun. Then everything started happening so fast, and we had a band name, and Geoff had all these plans for us, and the rest of you were so excited, and I realized, hey. This isn’t what I wanted for myself, but I’m part of a whole, now.If I focus on what I want, we all lose. So Isucked it up. I asked Geoff if I could write some songs, and I even tried to write stuff I thought he’d like, and I still didn’t get theonething I wanted. I just get to put my name on a song I had no hand in that I barely even like, and that’s my consolation prize.”

I play his words over and over in my head, to be sure I’ve heard him right. “Wait, you… don’t want to be in the band?”

“That’s beside the point.”

“No, it’s thewholepoint,” I argue. “If you don’t want to be in this band, you shouldn’t be.”

He looks wounded. “You want me out?”

“No. I don’t want you giving up your entire life to do a thing that’s making you miserable because you think the rest of us need you to.”

“It doesn’t make me miserable. I just wish I could be a songwriter. And that I could write my style of music.”

“Okay, but ‘not miserable’ is a low bar.”

“I’mfine.”

“So, you want to stay in the band? You’re happy?”

He shrugs.

“What does that mean?” I ask.

“I don’t know what you want me to tell you.”

Holyshit,getting a simple answer out of Zach is agony. “I want. You to tell me. What you want.”

“I don’t know, okay? I don’t know what I want. I haven’t thought about it.”

“Well, I need you to go and think about it,” I say. “Because I amterrifiedI’m going to make the wrong decision on your behalf one day. And also, it’s actually important to me that you care, like,deeplycare about our relationship and what happens next. We need to be in this together, even if it gets messy. If you tell me right this second that you neverwant to come out to the public, that isfine,and we’ll figure it out.Together.”

“Idocare about you,” he says. “And I care about our relationship.”

“Okay, but, honestly, if we’re going to work, you have to learn how to care aboutyouas well. Because I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who sees it as something that’s happeningtohim.”

“Ruben…”

“Also, just so we’re clear,” I add. “I’m coming out to everyone, soon. I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but I am.” Even if the thought of doing it alone, without Zach by my side, makes me feel like I’ve stepped into an empty elevator shaft where I expected there to be a floor. If I don’t do this now, they’ll wrap us even tighter in their web. And even though I feel sick at the thought of doing this,knowingthat it will turn Chorus against us, andknowingthat if Geoff is right and the world turns on us I’ll have ruined this for everyone, permanently. Our team. Jon and Angel. Zach. Even if that makes me feel like the most selfish, disgusting person who ever lived.

Even then.

“And I don’t need Geoff’s permission,” I add, my stomach churning. “Or Jon’s, or Angel’s. So, don’t get it into your head that if you don’t come out, you’ll be holding me back. Whatever you choose, whether you want to stay in the band, or leave it, or you want to come out publicly, or stay private, or even if you want my help with figuring it all out? I’ll be right here, and we will work through it together. But if you can’t give me anything more than ‘I want everyone to get along’? Then I just… I don’t think I can…”

“Okay,” he whispers.

“… do this anymore,” I finish.

He swallows, and we sit in a lengthy silence before he finds the words. “Does this mean we’re over?”

Even hearing the words makes me nauseous. My mind scrambles to catch up. How did we get here? “I hope not,” I say. “Just… let me know when you figure out what you actuallywant, okay?”

He nods without speaking.

I think I’ve just destroyed us. And I don’t know how to undo it.

Even worse, I’m not sure undoing it is even the right choice. Because even if this argument was fueled by frustration and panic, I’m pretty sure I meant every word.

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