Page 39 of If This Gets Out

I look down at the photographer, who is glaring at me from around her camera.

“Sorry.”

Alecia takes a few more photos.

“Okay,” she says, looking at her camera. “Let’s change up the order. Ruben, can you come around and stand next to Zach?”

Oh fuck.

He nods, and strides across. We can be professional, but that’s all this is. We pose, and the photographer takes more photos.

Suddenly I know, without a doubt, that if I got the chance, I’d kiss him again. I want him to look at me like he did that night, before we realized what we were doing and everything it meant. I want my hands bunched up in his beautiful shirt, and for us both to be breathless, and for me to feel how softhis lips are again. For him to wantme.For him to know I want him.

So I’m bi.

But is this real?

Or is it just a panicked response to the realization that I might’ve lost him completely?

Or do I justwantit to be a response to the realization, because if it’s real, that means…

Jesus, I’m a mess.

“Hey, Zach,” says Erin.

“Yeah?”

“What’s going on? You look tense.”

I choke on nothing. “Um, er…”

“Please don’t tell me you’re hungover.”

“I’m not, I’m just tired.”

“Well, get it together, all right? We need to get this done before we head to the meet and greet.”

I shake my arms out. “On it.”

I try my best to look relaxed and comfortable. Like a guy who hasn’t messed things up with his best friend, maybe forever. Like a guy who isn’t so confused about his sexuality his head is physically pounding. Like a guy who isn’t aware of exactly where his close male friend is in relation to his body. Isn’t thinking about how if he moved an inch to the right, they’d be touching.

Alecia smiles. “Got it. Now we need a lighter one. Can you all put your arms around each other?”

I see white.

“Can I?” asks Ruben, his tone casual.

“Sure,” I say, shrugging. I’m shocked my voice is still working.

He puts his arm around me, and I can smell the rich, warm, and slightly sweet scent of his cologne. It’s amber,patchouli, and vanilla, in just the right amounts, enough to make me want to properly breathe it in. To breathehimin.

He moves his arm up, and brings it around my shoulder. The scent is even stronger now, almost overwhelming, taking over my thoughts. His arm is warm and heavy against mine, and my skin is prickling and buzzing under his touch, and I feel like I could spend my life here.

I hold completely still. Frozen.

There’s a flash, then the photographer lowers her camera and smiles.

“Got it.”

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