Page 47 of If This Gets Out

I sound like my mom.

There’s a horrible beat of silence, and Angel laughs loudly. “Colleagues,” he says. “See, Ruben’s the best, he’s always so composed. When you get to know Ruben, you realize that when he says ‘colleagues,’ he means the best friends he’ll ever have in his lifetime. Seriously, like, once he went on a date, and I didn’t know that’s what it was until afterward because he told us he had anappointment.”

That story is a total lie, but I’m dizzy with relief for Angel’s ability to make up bullshit on his feet.

“Oh!” One of the women latches onto this, eyes gleaming. “You have a girlfriend, Ruben?”

I can almost feel Erin’s eyes boring into me.Don’t you dare.

Of course, Idon’tdare. I play their game, like I always do, as much as it hurts. “No, not right now. Still looking for the one.”

The interview moves on, but I know I’ve messed up. TheTension is heavier than ever, and it’s wormed its way right into the pit of my stomach, where it’s settled like an anvil.

I barely speak for the rest of the interview. All I can do is replay my own words back. I know what the response to that snippet is going to be. And the worst thing is, it’s going to be the truth. I snapped, and I screwed up, and now people are going to know. And I can’t even blame anyone else.

Fifty-fifty,Jon said.

Was he right? Have I been lashing out this whole time? Delivering little, jagged cuts to everyone around me without even noticing?

Is this what it’s like to be Mom? Does she do it without noticing, too?

I think I might be sick.

I can barely look at anyone after the interview wraps up. And I’m not surprised in the least when Erin pulls me aside as we pile onto the bus to head to our next engagement.

“Geoff wants to talk to you and Zach when we’re back at the hotel this afternoon,” she says. Her voice is apologetic, and careful. A warning.

Shit’s about to go down.

TEN

ZACH

I’ve never been in this much trouble with Chorus.

Or anyone, really.

I can tell this is serious by the cold, distant way everyone’s been treating Ruben and me. Like even being close to us will mean they’re also in trouble. It started as soon as we boarded the bus to go back to our hotel, and it hung over us the whole journey. Erin is being extremely careful with her words, and Jon and Angel aren’t really talking. The worst, though, is Ruben, who is ignoring me again. I almost don’t know what I hate more, the way he spoke to me on the bus this morning, in a tone that was actually viciousness disguised as friendliness, or this. The endless, icy silence. In the past, maybe being in trouble together would’ve brought us closer, but he went straight back to acting like I’m invisible.

I’m in my bathroom now washing my face. The meeting starts in a minute.

He called me a child. And he all but confirmed to the interviewers that the tension between us is real. Being in trouble right now is all his fault.

I splash water on my face. Getting upset now won’t help anything, and I can’t mess this up.

Ruben is waiting at the end of the hallway for me when I leave my room. Early, of course. What I feel is not anger, though, it’s this dull ache. Like something is missing. Like this wouldn’t be so bad if we were tackling it as friends.

When we got back to the hotel, Erin gave us half an hour to freshen up and get ready for the call, and her tone made it very clear we were to look faultlessor else.So now we look more like young businessmen than pop superstars, but that’s fitting, because we’ll be speaking to Geoff. Popisa business to him.

That’s all it is, really. I don’t think he gets how music feels to me. How important it is. How it’s the quickest way to feel any emotion possible, and how powerful, hownecessary,it is. It’s so much more than something that can be used to make money.

I reach Ruben, and he just tilts his head up in greeting. Right. The silent treatment is still going. Good to know, and good thing two can play at this. We get into the elevator, and ride it up silently. I cross my arms, and lean against the wall.

The air is crackling, though. He’s staring forward, his jaw set, his expression plain. He’s picture-perfect. If he’s nervous, or anything, he’s not giving it away. Does he really not care about what could happen? Or is this an act? I open my mouth, and he glances at me, his eyes telling me not to, so I shut it.

I’ve never seen him act like he did at the interview. Hell, everyone in the room picked up on it. Even though they didn’t come out and say so, the interviewers could clearly tell something was going on between us. It’s so unlike Ruben to do something that hurts the band, or anyone, but I think he was trying to hurt me.

When the interview airs tomorrow night, it’s going to add even more gasoline to the stories already circulating. I’veseen it happen before, and it’s always scary fast. A story can go from being a rumor to a fact in seconds. Not only that, it can so easily become adefiningfact. The thing people think of when they think of Saturday.

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