Page 63 of If This Gets Out

I’m experiencing a lot of clarity right now, and with this clear-mindedness has come the fear. I just had sex with my best friend, but also a guy who is effectively my coworker. This is going smoothly now, but if things change, it could be catastrophic. And I wascaught.

Someone other than us knows now.

I start messaging Ruben.

Hey. Keegan knows. He seemed really suspicious when I ran into him just now.

Wait, what??

Yeah. He said we’ve been spending every night together, basically.

Shit.

Okay.

Shit.

So what do we do?????

I don’t know. Do you think he’ll out us?

I chew my lip while I wait for a reply.

My phone lights up.

If he’s caught on, it’s not going to be long before the others do. I guess we were optimistic to think we can hide it forever.

I have a bad feeling they’re going to find out sooner or later. The question is do we want to take control of how they find out?

I know what he’s getting at. My hands shake as I type out:I’d rather they hear it from us. If they find out in any other way we’ll be in so much trouble. Maybe we tell them tomorrow?

I don’t send it, though. If I do this, people will know about me, just like they know about Ruben. But also, not a single part of me is ashamed about what I’m doing with him, and thinking of myself as bi is getting more comfortable with every passing day.

And Chorus has made it very clear what they think about secrets. They need to be told about everything going on in our lives, so that they can plan accordingly, and our narrative can never get wrenched away from us. If I want to keep hooking up with Ruben, it can’t remain a secret. Otherwise someone will out us and it will blow up into a massive thing. We need to be ahead of it.

Plus, Angel and Jon are two of my closest friends. I wantthem to know about me. I just thought I had more time than this to come out.

But… I guess I don’t.

I hit send.

Are you sure??

Yeah. I wish we had more time, but you’re right. I don’t want them finding out from anyone else but us.

Right. Well maybe sleep on it, and if you still want to, we can tell them at breakfast tomorrow.

Sounds good. Night.

Night. Sleep well.

NOOO I MEANT TO SEND THIS ONE

Sure you did.

Unsurprisingly, I didn’t sleep well last night.

I’m in the shower now. I should’ve gotten out five minutes ago, but I haven’t yet. I keep telling myself just a few more minutes.

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