Page 124 of Never Ever Getting Back Together

“What do you mean?”

“It might not go exactly like you’re imagining. What happens if the media takes his side? If people online take his side? Is that gonna crush you? Or do you think once you do this, you’ll be able to let go altogether?”

I pause. It’s a really good question. One I’m not totally sure I know the answer to.

But something in the pit of my gut doesn’t like that thought at all.

“I can’t just let him win,” I say at last.

“Maya… I don’t know. You’ve given him two years of your life now. That guy has been living rent free in your mind this whole time, taking up all that energy. It sounds to me like you’ve already let him win.”

I don’t even know how to reply to that, so I don’t. I just cross my arms over my chest and stare at the wall behind Perrie.

“You know what’d be a real win, for you? To stop giving him all of this power over you. To give him nothing.”

I bristle at this. “Are you just trying to talk me out of hurting Jordy?”

She blows a raspberry. “Screw Jordy. Also, if you actually went through with this, it’d getsomany eyes on this episode.Like, that would help me with followerssomuch. But I would rather give you my honest, unbiased opinion. I just want to know if you’ve thought this through.”

I sigh, heavy and long. “I just… I don’t know what else I can do.”

She shrugs, and hops off the counter. “You still have a few minutes to think it over.”

With that, she leaves me alone in the dressing room, closing the door gently behind her. I stay leaning against the wall, playing her words over in my head.

Is she right? Has my anger at Jordy been consuming me that much over the last couple of years?

So much that I’ve found it hard to move on?

So much that I’ve suffered every time his face came on the TV, or an online article?

So much that I’ve picked a moment of revenge on him over Skye?

Because this is what Skye meant, right? And is she so off base? If I cared for Skye more than I hated Jordy, wouldn’t I have let go of this the second I realized Skye was hurt?

Why hadn’t I?

Whycouldn’tI?

Because that would mean that all my pain and hurt would’ve been for nothing.

Isn’t it anyway, though?

I don’t want to be bitter and angry. I don’t want to be the kind of person who’s so caught up in the past that she wastes her present and ruins her future.

I don’t want to give Jordy the power to turn me into that person.

But… in spite of all that, I still want him to hurt, the way he’s made me hurt. The way he’s made so many of us hurt.

There’s a knock on the door, and an assistant sticks his head around. “There you are,” he says. “Ready to go out?” This is it, then. I’m out of thinking time.

Now, the only thing I have left to do is to act.

And I’m not going to waste that. Whether I regret it or not, I can’t waste it. Not when I’ve come this far.

THIRTY-SEVENMaya

Onstage, the lights are blinding and hot. Hot enough that I immediately start worrying about my makeup melting off from sweat.

---