Page 59 of Nobody in Particular

“Because you’re talking about hiding who you are for the rest of your life so you can rule a country you think wouldn’t want you as you are. Where do your needs come into things?”

“They don’t,” I say dryly. “It’s famously part of the job description. Besides, it’s not as though I have to give up on love altogether. I just have to be discreet.”

“And what does that look like, exactly? Weekend booty calls? Or will your side piece live in the palace with you?”

I told Danni she could ask questions, I know, but I don’t have an answer to this one yet. I run my tongue over my teeth. “I think,” I say evenly, “that’s a conversation I would have with whomever I’m committed to at the time.”

Now it’s Danni’s turn to look ashamed of herself. I didn’t mean for her to be. She’s just trying to understand what this all means. What, exactly, a future with me would look like.

It’s not a nice feeling, though, considering all the ways in which I will fail the girl I love one day. How much worse her life will be for loving me rather than anybody else.

“Rose…” Danni says heavily. “I’m new here. I know some things, but I don’t know everything. So I need you to be honest with me. I know Henland’s Catholic. But I’ve seen attitudes change in religious areas before, even in my lifetime. Don’t you think there’sanychance that they might accept a queen who’s with a woman? Even if it’s not today. Maybe ten years from now?”

From her tone, it’s clear she is all but pleading with me to agree with her. She wants me to give her something to cling to—even if it’s only a shred of hope.

But she asked me to be honest.

“I don’t think so,” I say.

She presses her fingertips to her temple. “What’s the point, then? If I know I’m not okay with being a secret forever, why would we even start anything at all?” She’s turning pink now—I suppose she hears the implication just as I do—but she continues. “I’m not saying we’re gonna marry one day. Iknowit’s early, and we’re not reallyanything right now. But what I’m saying is, if there is no possible way this can end happily, then I just… isn’t it smarter to end things now? Before one of us gets hurt?”

I think it’s a rhetorical question, but I ignore that. “No.”

“No?” she repeats dully. “Based on what?”

“Based on… the fact that I want to be with you. I don’t want this to end.”

“But itwill end,” she points out. “It’s not like if wedidhappen to stay together indefinitely that I’d just get over it one day and be cool with my girlfriend hiding me in a room while she married someone else. I will never be cool with that, Rose.”

“So, let it end later, then.”

“Oh, yeah, great idea, let’s get emotionally invested in each other first, so it hurts even worse.”

“People break up all the time. Most relationships don’t last forever, but people start them anyway. What’s the difference?”

“Being in a relationship that doesn’t work out is life. Getting into a relationship youknowwon’t work is masochism.”

“But we’ll have now,” I say, leaning forward. “Danni, I want to be with you. Being around you makes everything feel good. It’s something wonderful. Isn’t it better to have something wonderful for a while, even if one day we have to say goodbye to it, than to never have it at all?”

I can tell from her expression that my words aren’t having nearly the impact I wanted them to, and I grow cold. Her eyes are glassy as she replies. “I want to be with you, too. I don’t want to end this. But we’ve barely started seeing each other, and the thought of going back to being friends hurts.”

“Sowe stay together.”

“Itreallygoddamn hurts, Rose,” she says over me. “So, I can’t even imagine how much it’d hurt to do this later. I can’t do that to myself. I won’t. And you deserve someone who will stay.”

I don’t understand it. How did we get here? One moment we were talking about rumors and strangers, and suddenly, we’re over. Just like that. What did I say wrong? Can I take it back? Can we startthis conversation over from the top? There has to be a way to fix this. She can’t really mean she doesn’t want to be with me anymore, can she?

There must be something eloquent and convincing I can conjure to calm her fears in one fell swoop. I’ve been trained in conflict resolution more times than I can count. But my heart is beating too fast and loud, and my throat feels as though it’s about to cease letting air through at all, and the edges of my vision are blurry, so all I can manage is a simple, unconvincing, “But… please.”

Danni’s shaking her head before I even finish. “I’m sorry,” she whispers, and I snatch up her hands. I hold them tightly, tethering us.

“Don’t,” I beg. “Danni, don’t.”

“I have to. I don’t want to, either, but wehaveto.”

“At least sleep on it.”

“Please, this is already hard, don’t make it harder.”

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