Page 62 of Nobody in Particular

I steal a glance at Danni—something I’ve been doing as little as possible lately—and find her taking a dainty sip of cider and scrunching up her nose at the taste. Apparently, she’s not much of a drinker. She looks so adorable, I smile to myself without quite meaning to, only to avert my gaze as rapidly as I can when she catches me looking.

On the ground beside me, my phone buzzes, but before I can reach for it, Eleanor snatches at it and reads the message with a playful look. “It’s from Alfie,” she says in a singsong tone. “He says he has a surprise organized for your birthday. Apparently it involves… what’s this? Whips and chains?”

Yes, I’m sure that’s exactly what Alfie has just messaged me. Slow clap. I wrestle my phone from Eleanor’s grip, and find that the message from Alfie, in fact, asks if there’s any birthday gift I particularly want. Well, gosh, after the standard I set with my birthday gift to him, the sky might be the limit here.

“Are you having a party this year?” Harriet asks.

I shoot Eleanor a dirty look, locking my phone, and she beamsback at me. “Of course,” I say. “Right after the New Year. I’ll get invites to you all soon.”

I was not, in fact, planning on extending invitations to Molly and Danni; however it feels far too rude not to now. Besides, Molly missed my mother’s birthday, so I highly doubt she’ll attend mine. And Danni will follow suit, I assume.

“Damn right we’re invited,” Florence says, taking a deep drag. “What the hell kind of party would it be without us?”

“A respectable one, probably,” Danni suggests, and I smile before I can stop myself.

Eleanor responds to this by passing her the joint she’s just finished with. If Danni can hardly drink cider, it’s unlikely she’s ever smoked before. My instinct is to intervene and scold Eleanor for putting Danni on the spot like this, but I don’t wish to speak for her, either. For all I know, she wants to participate.

Danni surveys the joint in her fingers nervously, and then her eyes flicker to me. This time, I don’t look away. She takes a deep, steadying breath, raises it to her lips, and inhales so sharply I wince. As I expected, this is immediately followed by a violent coughing fit. Florence and Eleanor burst into fond laughter, but when I catch Danni’s panicked expression I’m on my feet in an instant. I remember the feeling of sucking in ash too well. It’s as though you might never get air in again.

“Here,” I say, passing her cider can to her. “Drink something.”

Molly pats her on the back, glaring at Eleanor and Florence, as Danni gratefully takes the can from me and swigs.

“That is fucking terrible,” she manages before dissolving into another coughing fit.

“You sucked too hard,” I explain, returning to my seat. “You want to go slow and steady.”

“Oh.” She meets my eyes once more, and there’s something I don’t like about it at all. It makes me want to wrap my arms around her. I want to be the one rubbing her back. I want to kiss the ash from her lips.

It feels disturbingly like longing.

I much preferred it when I avoided her orbit.

Danni’s gaze trails around the group, and she flushes. I think of her nervousness around the spotlight, and her fear of being laughed at. It just won’t do for her to feel uncertain like this around her own friends. “You want to try again?” I ask. Perhaps if she has the chance to redeem herself—and if I can effectively warn Florence and Eleanor with my eyes tostop laughing—the sudden self-consciousness will leave her posture. I don’t like her looking like this.

Danni nods, and I take Harriet’s joint from her and lift it to demonstrate. Danni matches my actions and, as one, our lips part, and we breathe in gently, steadily.

“Perfect,” I murmur. “I’m proud of you.”

Danni blossoms at my words, and for just a moment, I forget she isn’t mine. When the fact comes crashing back in, it goes down like burning ash.

I’m not entirely certain I’m fine after all.

I’m even less certain when Molly scowls and gets to her feet, dusting off the back of her pants. “I thought we agreed you weren’t going to pressure my friends into taking drugs anymore,” she says to me, turning on her heel before I can respond.

Danni scrambles up, too, looking patently horrified. “You didn’t—nobody pressured me,” she assures me, not that it’s much consolation. “I should…”

“Yes, go,” I urge in a cracking voice, and she disappears into the night.

The rest of us sit in uncomfortable silence. For the life of me, I can’t think of what to say.

TWENTY-SEVENDANNI

Christmas break in Henland is a full three weeks long, and Rose’s birthday party takes place at the palace the weekend before we go back to school. When Molly and Eleanor come to my house to pick me up, I’m surprised by how much I missed them. We’ve been messaging and stuff, but it isn’t the same, and both of them were away for Christmas—Eleanor with her parents in France, and Molly with her grandparents in Korea. So it’s not like I could visit.

Part of me wonders if that’s why Molly decided to come tonight after all—if she’s missed me, and wanted to hang out. I’m pretty damn sure it’s not because she’s been dying to see Rose, anyway.

While Molly films the room, which seems to be filled mostly with adults, dignitaries and crown-wearing royalty from around the globe, Eleanor tugs me over to an interactive guest book. It’s linked to a projector, I realize, with the birthday messages lit up on a nearby wall. Molly finishes filming and considers the book for a suspiciously long time, like she’s tossing up whether to write something inappropriate in it.

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