Page 42 of Coping Skills

“It seems to me that you ascribe the worst intentions to your own actions.” Margaret spoke slowly, choosing her words with care. “You feel guilty for wanting your life to return to normal after a traumatic upheaval, as though no one else would feel that way. As though you don’t have the right to want things to be what they were. And you blame yourself for entering into a relationship with someone who wanted to be in a relationship with you, as though you don’t deserve it. You take his accusation that you used him too much to heart.”

Elena looked up. “But I did use him. Maybe not the whole time, but at the beginning. And I tried to use him last weekend. It wasn’t fair of me to go to him after I broke up with him.”

Thinking this over, Margaret nodded. “True. In which case, some of your guilt where he’s concerned is appropriate. Sometimes guilt is a good thing. It spurs us to make right the wrongs that we’ve committed. With Daniel, some of your guilt is that kind. But some of it is misplaced, just like the guilt about your dad. You’re grieving the loss of that relationship. Even though he didn’t die, it’s still a loss, and you need to allow yourself to move through that loss, to process and grieve without getting hung up on guilt.”

Sniffing, Elena reached for the box of tissues. Margaret moved them closer, sitting back and waiting for Elena to respond. Her voice thick with emotion, Elena let out her darkest confession. “Sometimes … sometimes I wish he had died. Then I could grieve him, and it would be normal, and people would understand. And I wouldn’t be stuck in this weird place where I have a dad who’s not my dad. He barely looks like him anymore. He’s gained weight and has frown lines and scars. He’s angry and depressed all the time. My dad was energetic and full of life.” She smiled through her tears, thinking about how her dad used to be. “He always wanted to talk to me about anything. He took us—my brother and me—to the minor league baseball games every summer, and took our family on awesome summer vacations starting when we were little. As we got older they got longer, his business doing well enough that he’d work part time from wherever we went, and we’d stay for like a month.”

Shaking her head, she twisted the tissue in her hands. “He barely leaves the house now. When people hear what happened, they always say something like, ‘Oh, that’s awful, but at least he didn’t die,’ and I never know how to respond, because I don’t think that’s true. But they don’t get it. And how awful is it for a daughter to wish that her father—who wasn’t an abusive asshole or anything like that—had died? How do you tell someone that?”

Margaret’s gentle voice cut through Elena’s distress. “Why do you need to tell anyone that?”

She shrugged.

“People rarely know what to say in the face of someone else’s grief. And that’s okay. They’re trying to express their condolences the best they can. Even though it’s terrible, people always try to mitigate the awfulness. It makes them feel better.”

Elena nodded, and Margaret didn’t continue until Elena had looked up and met her eyes again.

“You’re not responsible for how those people feel. So they can say whatever they want, and you don’t have to say anything. Or, if you want to be polite, you can nod and say thank you. But you don’t need to reveal your deepest grief to them. No one else needs to know about that.

“But the way you feel is totally normal. You don’t need to feel guilty about that either. What you need to do is be kind to yourself. Give yourself time and space. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself.”

“Okay.” Elena wiped her nose and grabbed another tissue.

Margaret studied her. “I think, though, that you might feel better if you apologize to Daniel.”

“Yeah. I tried that Friday night, but that didn’t go well.”

“Well, it might be better if you apologized without expecting anything from him.”

“What if he doesn’t forgive me?” The question came out on a whisper, confession of her deepest feelings apparently the order of the day.

“That’s his choice. But you’ll feel better for having done what you can. And that’s what we’re focused on. You can’t control what he does or doesn’t do.”

Elena nodded, noticing that it was nearing eleven thirty, the end of her appointment, and stood. “Okay. I’ll figure out how to do that this week. I don’t know if he’ll take my calls.”

Margaret stood as well. “You can always write him a letter.”

“Yeah.” Elena flashed a brief smile. “I’ll keep that in mind. See you next week.”

“Good game, man. That was a nice catch you pulled off at the end.”

A hand fell on Daniel’s shoulder, and he turned to find Romero, one of the safeties, following him out of the locker room. “Thanks. I got lucky.”

Their third-string quarterback had been put in for the fourth quarter, a freshman. He had a good arm, but his aim could be a little wild, and Daniel had had to jump and reach to catch the ball. He almost hadn’t, but his fingers tipped it, disrupting its flight enough that it dropped, and he caught it as he landed. He’d had to drop and roll when he hit the ground, and they’d done a running play to score the final touchdown that won them the game, so he hadn’t been able to add the score to his personal tally, but it felt good to close the season on a win anyway.

“You going to the party?”

Daniel slowed, hesitating. This was supposed to be an epic party, and normally he’d go, especially since this was his last game. He hadn’t been in much of a partying mood, though. Not since Elena had dropped by three weeks ago, and he’d sent her away. His head was better, and he’d only missed one game, the trainer wanting him to have a full two weeks of rest before clearing him for practice again. But his heart still hadn’t recovered.

Coop wanted him to go. He’d left him alone for the most part, but before the game today had told him he needed to quit moping and come to the party. At least make an appearance and say goodbye to the team.

That was what decided it. “Yeah. I’ll be there.”

“Cool. I’ll see you there.”

“Sounds good.” His eyes scanned the area outside of the locker room, looking for Coop. He’d come out a few minutes ago, hoping to chat up some girls he’d invited to the game and the party afterward earlier this week.

But Daniel wasn’t prepared for the girl he saw Coop talking to.

---