Page 48 of Coping Skills

Chapter Nineteen

Elena woke up the day after Thanksgiving to a blanket of white covering everything. Several inches of snow had fallen overnight, making everything look clean and fresh. Flakes continued to fall softly, the type of snowfall that looked fake and perfect, like something out of those cheesy Christmas movies, where the main characters kiss and soft, fluffy flakes magically start falling from the sky.

Since she didn’t need to go anywhere, she made oatmeal and hot chocolate for breakfast, sitting on the couch with the blinds open to watch the snow fall. She studied for the LSAT until she got up the motivation to clear the driveway. While she had no plans to go anywhere, keeping up with the snow would make it easier when she did need to leave.

While she pulled on her coat and boots, searching in the closet for a pair of waterproof gloves, her phone chimed. It was a text from Abby.Lance can come shovel your driveway.

Elena smiled, appreciating the gesture. She and Abby weren’t close, only hanging out when Elena tagged along with Hannah and Matt. But she’d spent yesterday at their apartment for Thanksgiving, along with Lance’s little sister Gabby. It had been a surprisingly enjoyable day. She’d brought an apple pie for dessert and helped Abby make dinner. Gabby had offered to help, but the kitchen at Lance and Abby’s apartment was too small for more than two people. On top of that, Gabby’s offer had seemed more obligatory than genuine.

Abby had waved her off with a smile. “We’ve got it. Just relax. Hang out with your brother. He’s been looking forward to having you over.”

Gabby nodded and slipped back into the living room, but Elena didn’t hear much in the way of conversation, just the sound of the football game on the TV.

Elena raised an eyebrow at Abby, who shook her head, letting out a sigh. “Boy problems.”

“Oh?” Elena was surprised. “Isn’t she just a freshman?”

Abby laughed. “Like that matters? You remember what it’s like to be nineteen—all that angst and few productive outlets. Plus, she’s a musician, so she’s got a dramatic streak a mile wide.”

“Unrequited love?”

Shaking her head, Abby pursed her lips. “No. I’m pretty sure that’s not it. She’s been remarkably close-mouthed about what’s going on, which if you know Gabby is saying a lot.” She gave Elena a look. “That girl talks non-stop.” Abby’s brows crinkled together. “I’m a little worried about her, actually, and even though we get along, I don’t know her well enough to know how much I should pry.”

Elena had simply made a sound of agreement, not having any advice to give. Her own relationships were all in shambles. She had no business prying into anyone else’s business. The only reason her relationship with Hannah, and by extension Matt, wasn’t a complete mess like everything else, is because Hannah had ignored Elena’s attempts to distance herself, being there in the way only a lifelong best friend can know how to do. But she needed to make sure that she stopped treating Hannah like crap, especially with how Hannah had picked her up and helped her put herself back together after Fall Break.

And now this offer to shovel her driveway had Elena reflecting on how good Matt’s friends really were. She felt like an outsider in their group, but that was her fault, not theirs. When she was around, they always made her feel welcome and included, like she belonged. Why hadn’t she let them be there for her before now?

That’s okay. I got it.She sent the text and pocketed her phone, heading out to get the shovel from the detached garage. She spent the next hour shoveling the driveway and sidewalks, taking her time pushing and scooping the fluffy snow out of the way, enjoying the feeling of using her muscles, doing something that had a tangible effect on the world. So much of her life was spent inside her head—reading, studying, planning. She mostly got her exercise by hurrying from one class to the next, making her way across campus at a fast walk, and even then she wasn’t paying attention to the way her heart pumped blood through her body, the push and pull of her muscles as she moved. No, she was in her head, thinking about the class she’d just finished, the one she was going to next, or how much homework she needed to do by the next day.

Now she moved, she shoveled, and though her mind wandered, she was present. With Daniel, she’d sought a way to turn off her mind. But that was avoidance, and she now knew that didn’t help her deal with what had happened to her dad, to her family, to her. No, she had to face it and move through it. What she’d done to Daniel had been unfair to him, toxic and harmful. She’d thought it was a simple exchange, physical pleasure for them both, no attachment. She’d been wrong. He’d been attached from the beginning, but she was too lost in her own pain, too blinded by her selfishness, to see that. And as she spent more time with him, her own feelings had become tangled up as well, which was why she’d reacted so strongly and so badly to him getting hurt.

Sniffing, she pulled off her glove and wiped at her nose. Cold like this always made her nose run. She looked around at the now-clear driveway. Only the sidewalks and walkway left and she would be done.

As she bent to scoop the snow off the sidewalk, her thoughts turned back to Daniel and her ill-fated visit to his apartment over Fall Break. What had she been thinking? She’d acted like a selfish bitch, going over there after breaking up with him, acting as though he didn’t have any feelings, thinking he wouldn’t be upset with her for the way she’d behaved the week before. A choked sob escaped her as she realized the full extent of how awful she’d been to him.

Her desire to apologize increased, but he wouldn’t talk to her now. She’d tried, and he’d shut her down. Who could blame him? She wouldn’t want to talk to her, either. Not after the way she’d acted.

Maybe she should take her therapist’s advice and write him a letter. Yes, that’s what she would do. She finished shoveling, determined to write the letter as soon as she was done, composing it in her head as she finished, outlining the points she needed to cover. Mostly, how sorry she was and how much she regretted her actions where he was concerned. She wished she could go back and do everything over again. Learn how to deal with her problems instead of using him to escape them. And more than anything, she wished she could go back and not hurt him. Because the truth, that she hadn’t really allowed herself to admit before now, was that she loved him. And you don’t use the people you love.

“How was your Christmas break?”

Elena settled into the couch in her therapist’s office, putting her bag down. “Good. Better than I expected.”

Margaret smiled. “You went home?”

“Yeah. Not as long as I normally would, but I was there for about a week and a half. Things were … better.”

“Why do you think that was?”

Elena thought for a moment. “I think mostly it was because I didn’t expect things to be like they used to be. My dad’s not the same.” She paused and shook her head. “He won’t ever be the same, I don’t think. My mom and I talked a lot. I went with her to the support group she’s been going to for the last couple of months. It was … good. Hard, but good.”

“Hard how?”

Taking a deep breath, Elena recalled the meetings she’d gone to, listening to everyone’s stories of loved ones injured, changed, and the ongoing struggles of therapies and medications. “It’s still hard for me to talk about what happened. But it was nice to be around people who get it, who’ve experienced similar things. I cried both times I went. The first time I shared a little of my story when I introduced myself, and I tried to keep it together, but it’s still hard.” Margaret nodded, silently encouraging her to continue. “The second meeting, my mom talked. That was hard in a different way. I mean, I knew that things had to have been difficult for her, but we hadn’t ever talked about it much. Hearing the details about their daily life …” Elena had to stop, swallowing hard a few times, her eyes on her hands in her lap. A tissue appeared in her line of vision. She let out a choked laugh, taking it from Margaret’s hand, meeting her eyes with a watery smile. “Thanks.”

“It’s okay to cry, you know.”

Elena nodded. “Yeah. I still don’t like to, though.”

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