Page 77 of Off Limits

Cal pushes forward. “Real mature there, El. And why in the world would you need to talk tomyfriend?”

I open my mouth to respond, but no words come out. Simon’s shoulders are climbing, his jaw tense as he gives me a look I can’t interpret, and then turns to Cal. “Because Ellie’s the chick I’ve been seeing. The one you’re trying to help me get over.”

My breath leaves me in a whoosh, cold washing over me in a wave starting at the top of my head and ending at my toes. He’s been actively trying to get over me. And now Cal knows I’m the girl he’s trying to get over. All of that mixes in a swirl of bile and dread, forming an icy lump in my gut. I wanted Cal to know. It’s what needed to be said. But now we have to face the backlash.

“What?” Cal asks, his voice the deadly softness that always precedes a much worse explosion.

“You heard me,” Simon says, his voice low and almost savage. “Ellie and I were dating. For two months.”

The color starts rising in Cal’s face, his jaw working, his lips ringed with white, they’re so firmly pressed together. “You were my best friend,” he spits. “The one guy who’s supposed to have my back. And then you turn into some Kilpatrick fanboy and next you’re fucking my sister?”

I flinch at the ugly description of what was between Simon and me and step forward to try to deal with Cal, get him to calm down and back off. Holding up my hand, I try to slip between them, but they’re facing off now, their chests puffed, muscles flexing, hands still at their sides but curled into fists. “Cal. Come on. I’m a big girl. You don’t need to defend my honor or anything. What happened with Simon and me—”

But the look that Cal throws me is pure venom, and I swallow whatever I was going to say. “I don’t care what happened with Simon and you. Because nothing should’ve ever happened with you and anyone I’m friends with. That’s always been our deal. You know this.” He turns back to Simon. “Andyou.I trusted you. You—”

“Not everything is about you, man.” Simon’s quiet words are filled with steel. “You don’t get to dictate who I’m allowed to spend time with. And you don’t have to worry about it anyway, because we broke up. Largely thanks to you, because your sister is too scared of your reaction to stand up to you, and seeing you like this? I can’t say I blame her.”

He looks at me, his eyes dark with pain and regret. “I’m sorry, Ellie. I didn’t mean to blurt it out like that. But …”

“It’s okay. I … I wanted him to know.” I step closer to Simon, both of us now ignoring Cal, who’s still seething on the sidelines. But like Simon said, not everything is about Cal. This certainly isn’t. Or shouldn’t be. Wouldn’t be, except he butted in. But I knew that by coming here there was a strong possibility that Cal would witness this conversation and would find out the truth of the last couple of months.

Closing my eyes, I suck in a deep breath, focusing on the hard concrete beneath my feet to ground me like Autumn’s been telling me to do, finding strength in it so I can say the words I’ve been dying to say since the day Simon left my room in a hurry and stopped answering my calls and texts. “You are important to me. You matter. Telling you things matters. What Imeantto say is that I don’t have to worry about your reactions or your judgment. I know that I matter to you, and so what I care about matters to you, and you won’t berate me for it. But we were talking about my parents and my brother and everything came out all wrong, and I’m sorry. I’m so desperately sorry. And I’ve wanted nothing more than to tell you that for the last week. I never wanted to hurt you or make you feel like you don’t matter to me. And I know that my insistence that we not tell Cal was a big sticking point for you, and I was too selfish and blinded by my own fears about his reactions to see how hard that was for you. And I’m so sorry for that.”

Simon’s quiet, his jaw working, and when it looks like Cal’s about to interject something, Simon shoots him a death glare and holds up a warning finger, and that’s enough to cause Cal to back down. Not gracefully, though. “Fuck this,” he mutters, taking a step back. “I’m outta here.” And with that, he turns and stalks off.

Finally.

Simon and I both watch him go, and I take a step closer to Simon, reaching out a trembling hand to touch his sleeve, but pulling back as soon as my fingers brush the fabric of his sweatshirt. “I’m sorry,” I whisper and gesture after Cal. “I’m sure this will make things tense for you two.”

He glances down at me, his eyes searching. “Why did you come here today?”

I fidget with my sleeves, dropping my gaze under his intense scrutiny. “I told you. I wanted to explain, and this seemed like my best chance.”

“But what about Cal?”

I shrug, glancing at him and looking away again. “What about him? You were right, what you said that day. About me standing up for myself. I, um, officially declared a major. And it’s not nursing.”

His eyes widen, his eyebrows lifting, but then he subsides back into his carefully neutral expression. “Good for you.”

“I chose graphic design,” I add, when it’s clear he won’t ask. He nods, and I catch the little twitch of his lips that means he’s fighting a smile. He’s still holding himself back, I know. I hurt him with my carelessness and cowardice, and I know I might not be able to make it right, but that little twitch gives me the courage to lay out all my feelings on the wild hope that he’ll meet me halfway.

“I miss you.” I swallow down the lump in my throat, reminding myself that this is the only way. Playing it safe won’t get me anywhere, or at least not anywhere good. I’ve tried playing it safe and pleasing everyone else my whole life, and where did that get me? Hiding my relationship, too chicken to pursue a major I want, and losing the only guy I’ve ever really cared about. And I know that I’ll regret not trying more than I’ll regret his rejection if he ultimately decides to make our break permanent. Either way, he deserves to know how I really feel. What he means to me.

“I wish …” I sigh. I wish he would give me more than that bland face. I wish I could convince him to give me another chance. I wish I could’ve just used better words to begin with. I wish so many things.

I shake my head. “I hope you know how much I care about you, and I would love to be able to see you again in whatever capacity you’d like. I don’t want to hide my relationship with you anymore. And … I’d, um, I’d like to take you out. On a real date. And if my brother wants to come stake it out and make sure you treat me right, well, I honestly wish he wouldn’t, but he doesn’t ever listen to me, so I doubt I could stop him. But if that’s what you need to feel like I’m in this with you, then that’s what we’ll do.”

His lips twitch again, and hope fills my chest like a shimmering bubble. But then he sighs and looks away, scrubbing a hand over his face. “I dunno, Ellie.”

The bubble bursts, his actions the blade of grass that’s all it takes to pop something so delicate as a bubble. “What don’t you know?” I ask, my voice quivering and barely audible. My eyes burn, tears blurring my vision, but I blink them away, willing myself not to cry. Not yet. Not here. Not now.

He gives me a pained look and another sigh, then shakes his head and looks down. “Maybe you were right. Maybe …”

And I’m nodding stupidly. “Oh. Um. Alright.”

He looks up at me again, his eyes full of regret. But I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to hear it. I thought I’d be okay with rejection, that telling him how I feel would be enough and I could handle it if he didn’t feel the same way. And maybe someday I’ll be that person who can do that without falling to pieces. But I’m not that person today.

I step back, slowly at first, then two or three more quick steps. “I’ll, uh, I guess I’ll see you around,” I mumble, the tears already falling despite my best efforts. I whirl around and head toward campus, brushing past the last few stragglers on my way out, head down, focused on putting one foot in front of the other to carry me back to my room.

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