Page 21 of The Love Playbook

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Jackson

I follow Autumn through her living room into a small eat-in kitchen, my eyes glued to the sway of her hips in those tiny light wash denim shorts.

Somehow being here in her home makes me feel more over my head than I did when we went out to dinner the other night.

While yes, there were clear expectations at dinner—eating, for starters, plus conversation and a goodnight kiss—being at her house seems like it sets the stage for a lot … more.

I’m not sure what she has in mind, because she hasn’t specified in advance like last time. And I’m not sure exactly how far I’m ready to go. She’s literally the first kiss I’ve had in years. Is she going to expect me to initiate … whatever happens tonight again? What do I want to happen tonight? If she expects sex, can I go through with it?

I mean, I get the feeling that’s part of her end goal, but just thinking about it makes my lungs freeze.

“Hey, hey, hey,” she says softly, moving closer to me and placing her hand on my chest. “Take a breath, Jackson. You look like you’re about to pass out.”

Her touch seems to release whatever vise has surrounded my lungs, and I suck in air.

“There,” she soothes. “That’s it. Deep breaths.” She breathes with me, long, slow inhales followed by even slower exhales, her concerned gaze examining my face.

“Sorry. Thanks. I don’t …”

Rather than moving away, she keeps her hand on me while guiding me to a chair at the dining table. “Hey,” she says in that same soothing voice. “It’s alright. It’s just you and me here, okay? We decide what we do together. No one else.”

Nodding, I take another deep breath. “I’m okay,” I murmur.

She seems to accept that, because she finally moves away from me, bringing the covered skillet to the table followed by two more saucepans. She sets them on hot pads on either side of a lit candle then removes the lids, setting them on the counter by the sink, before taking the seat across from me.

Passing me a big spoon to serve myself, she offers me a smile. “Can you tell me what that was about?”

I dish up some rice from one pot, then plate a chicken breast and cover it with sauce, followed by the broccoli. “Thanks for this,” I murmur. She clearly went to some effort to make sure to cook something that would likely fit with my diet plan, and it’s a nice balance of protein, carbs, and fat. It might be a little light on calories, but I can always make that up later if I need to.

“My pleasure,” she says as she serves herself. She looks at me expectantly, bringing her first bite to her lips, clearly waiting for me to answer her question.

I have to tear my eyes from her lips and focus on my food so I can actually remember what she asked. Right. Why did I nearly pass out when I got here?

I’m tempted to give her some dumb excuse about working out too hard or being dehydrated or too hungry or something. But I have the distinct impression that Autumn would see right through any bullshit I try to toss her way. And I also feel like for what’s between us to work at all, I need to be completely honest.

Taking a deep breath, I hold it for a moment before letting it out slowly, keeping my eyes on my plate and poking at the rice with my fork while I answer. “I’m not sure I’m ready to have sex tonight,” I confess just above a whisper. “Or …” I clear my throat. “I’m not sure when I will be. The thought of accidentally getting a girl pregnant is …” I blow out another hard breath. “It’s too much. For me. I can’t do that.”

Her fingers appear in my line of vision as she reaches for my free hand. I meet her eyes and flip my hand over, letting her tangle her fingers with mine.

“It’s alright, Jackson,” she says softly. “I had the feeling you wouldn’t be ready for that tonight. We can go as slowly as you need, okay? And we’d definitely use a condom no matter what.”

“Right, but condoms don’t always work, do they? I mean, look at Gray and Tiffany. They both say they used one, and they still ended up with Ben.”

She bites her lip like she’s suppressing a smile and gives my hand a squeeze before withdrawing. “That’s true. Condoms aren’t one hundred percent, obviously. But there are lots of ways we can minimize the risk.” She holds up her hands. “But regardless, we won’t do that until you’re absolutely ready. There are plenty of other things to do besides that anyway.”

My blood rushes south at the quiet, confident way she makes that declaration. That’s the tone of a woman who knows exactly what kind of fun she likes to have and in what kinds of ways.

And while I obviously know about oral sex, that always seems like a precursor, not the main event. The focus always seems like intercourse is the ultimate activity. Between that and just staying away from girls in general, I never really considered all the other things that can be done and how they can be a perfectly enjoyable encounter on their own.

Nervous or not, I’m suddenly really glad that I took Autumn up on her offer. She’s kind and thoughtful and gorgeous and just what I need to work through my natural shyness and deliberate ignorance of all things sexual.

“What kinds of things?” I ask, and I barely recognize my gruff, raspy voice.

The smile Autumn gives me is slow and sultry, and she wraps her lips around her fork, her tongue darting out in a way that’s decidedly and intentionally sensual. Her posture shifts, and it’s clear she’s gone from comforting to seductive like flipping a switch.

“That’s amazing,” I breathe.

---