Page 44 of The Love Playbook

“She didn’t break up with me,” I say after a minute. “We’re not broken up. I’m seeing her again next Wednesday.” At least I think I am. She didn’t say anything about wanting to cancel, and neither did I. Given my behavior, though, it might be a good idea for me to confirm with her to make sure we’re still on the same page.

Somehow deciding that helps me feel more settled. I can text her, tell her that she’s right, that spacing things out is a good plan. That’ll give me time to get a handle on all the feelings raging through me and dial them back.

She likes me. At least as a friend. Or maybe a friend with benefits. I’m aware that’s a thing. I just … I didn’t realize that’s what we were, I guess.

But now I know.

Closing the fridge, I turn and move past Eli, giving him a light punch on the shoulder on my way out of the kitchen. “It’s fine, Eli. I’m fine. We just had a … miscommunication. And I needed some time to wrap my head around it. It’s all good, though. Thanks for caring.”

Ignoring Eli’s gaze boring into my back, I head to my room. Maybe it’s not what I was thinking or even hoping for, but it’s something. Just because Autumn doesn’t have the same kinds of feelings for me doesn’t mean I’m ready to put an end to what we do have. I just need to recalibrate my expectations.

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

Autumn

I watch Jackson avoid my gaze and then quietly slip out the front door. Glancing around, it’s clear I’m not the only one who’s noticed. Eli looks at me, his eyebrows raised in question. I offer a shrug in response, because while yes, I have some idea of why Jackson’s upset, I’m not sure how much Eli knows about what’s between Jackson and me, and I’m not going to be the one to fill him in.

I’ve clearly done enough damage as it is.

But I’m no longer in the mood to deal with people and the energy in the room. It’s too … much. Too bright. Too jovial. Too loud. And I’m feeling sad and out of sorts.

I need to go home. Sit with myself and my feelings. Recenter. Pull back some of my energy, because I’ve clearly been giving too much to this if Jackson’s responding the way he is. I don’t normally need to modulate myself like this. But I don’t normally sleep with the same guy so many times so close together. Or if I do, it’s because there’s a time limit on our relationship and it’s about getting in as much time together as possible before it’s all over.

With Jackson, we have as much time as we want. There’s no ticking clock hanging over our heads counting down our time together. Not an artificial one from outside of ourselves, anyway. There’s just the one that hovers over every couple, every relationship.

We’re all on countdown timers. We just don’t always realize it.

Normally I’m accepting of this reality, and it doesn’t bother me. But tonight it just makes me sad.

I make my way to where Piper and Ellie sit watching the game on the TV. “Hey,” I say in a hushed tone, close enough to get their attention. “I’m going to head out.”

Ellie straightens, giving me a concerned look. “Really? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, it’s fine. I’m just … I dunno.” I shrug, trying to play it off like no big deal. “Not feeling it tonight. I need time to myself. I’ll catch you guys at home later, okay?”

“Are you coming down with something? Do you want me to pick anything up for you on the way home?” The concern on Ellie’s face has only deepened.

I give her the most reassuring smile I can manage. “I’m fine. I just need a little time alone, and I didn’t realize it until I was surrounded by too many people. Thank you, though.” I place my hand on her shoulder and give a squeeze. Ellie’s a good friend.

She pats my hand before I withdraw it, the crimp of her eyebrows not relaxing despite my reassurance. “Okay. If you’re sure. But text if you change your mind, okay?”

“I will.” With one last reassuring smile, I give her and Piper a wave and head for the door.

Once outside, I pause and take a breath of the September evening air. It’s ripe with exhaust and the scent of baked pavement, but it’s quieter out here, the noise of cars muted and removed from deep in the apartment complex where Jackson and Eli live.

It’s too far to walk back to our house, so I pull out my phone and order a rideshare service, picking a location a couple blocks away for it to pick me up. As I head that direction, I keep an eye out for Jackson. I’m not sure if I want to bump into him or not at this point. I guess it would depend entirely on how he’d react to seeing me.

Is this it, then? Is this how things between us end?

If so, this is pretty shitty.

I’d imagined we’d have some fun and then I’d do some kind of … I dunno. Graduation ceremony, I guess? It sounds silly now that I think about it. Obviously it wouldn’t be anything public. But I figured once I covered what I have planned and he felt comfortable and confident in his abilities, we’d mutually acknowledge that fact and I’d release him into the world. Then he’d be free to pursue a relationship with someone appropriate for him. Someone sweet and kind and maybe a little bit nerdy who’d come to game nights and help him organize things and love spreadsheets and …

Reaching the pickup point, I check my phone to see how far away my ride is. Thinking up qualities for Jackson’s imaginary perfect girlfriend has me feeling even more out of sorts.

Which is ridiculous.

I have no reason to be jealous of an imaginary person. Or even a real person who may someday fit those traits.

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