Page 56 of The Love Playbook

Autumn

I stare at Jackson’s text for a long time.

Then I look at my room, trying to see it through his eyes. I’d kinda hoped he’d given up on the idea of organizing my room. I don’t really see anything wrong with my room, though it might be nice to have a little more usable space if there were less clutter …

Tapping the sides of my phone with my fingers, I try to decide what the best course of action is.

Helping me in some way seems important to Jackson. I’m not sure if it’s because he doesn’t want to be indebted to me—which he’s not, in my opinion, given that I’m getting quite a bit of pleasure out of our arrangement too—or if there’s something else at play here.

Either way, I don’t think I can reasonably say no. And while I’ve managed to put him off, I don’t know if I can forever without hurting his feelings. I’d sort of planned on making excuses until our relationship reached its end, and then I’d tell him not to worry about paying me back.

But would he go for that? Jackson seems like the kind of guy who’d insist on paying me back even if everything between us had already reached its end. That seems like a recipe for disaster.

Once I’m done with a guy, I don’t like having them hanging around at all, really. At least for a while. I hope that Jackson and I can go back to our friendly acquaintanceship after this is over. But Idefinitelydon’t want him in my room going through my things at that stage. That’s way too intimate for a former lover.

So that leaves now. Before this is all over.

And you want to see him again before Wednesday anyway, whispers a voice inside my head. I don’t usually like to hide from the truth of my feelings, but in this case I make an exception and shush that voice. Yes, developing feelings for someone you’re physically intimate with a number of times is normal and natural. But feelings don’t have to lead to actions. Just because I like Jackson and enjoy what we’re doing doesn’t mean I need to extend our relationship beyond its set boundaries.

We’d both just wind up getting hurt that way. And who needs that?

Me: When were you thinking?

It takes him a little bit to respond. Is he taking a page out of my book by delaying answering on purpose? Giving me a taste of my own medicine? Or is he genuinely busy?

Since I took almost twenty minutes to respond to him, it’s not unreasonable that he could’ve found something else to do. It’s not like I expect him to be sitting around staring at his phone, waiting for my response. I don’t want him to do that.

Yes, you do, whispers that annoying little voice.

Okay, fine. I kinda do. I like that he likes me at least as much as I like him. But he’s a sweet, sensitive soul, so I know that giving in and divulging my feelings would give him hope that there can be more between us. The reality is that I’m not built for more, so telling him that I like him as more than a friend would be cruel.

So that means I need to occupy my own self until he responds, because no way am I going to be the one sitting around waiting for a text like some sad, lovesick soul.

Setting my phone aside, I settle in the center of my bed sitting cross-legged, my spine straight, my hands resting loosely on my knees. Closing my eyes, I breathe in deeply, settling in for a grounding meditation. When my thoughts and energy and feelings are all over the place like they are right now, this brings me back to center. To calm.

Then my phone vibrates against the wood of my bedside table, effectively destroying any measure of calm I started to pull around me.

It’s Jackson. I know it’s Jackson. Which means I should take the time to finish my meditation and not immediately reach for it.

But curiosity to see his answer overwhelms me, and I grab my phone despite my better judgment.

Jackson: Tomorrow?

My heart swoops, a mix of excitement and … dread? I’d expected to have a few more days to prepare myself. But I can’t deny that I want to see him tomorrow, even if organizing my room sounds closer to torture than fun.

I scan my room again, taking stock of everything and sucking in a deep breath. Grimacing, I break my rule of making him wait before responding and fire off a response right away without second guessing myself.

Me: Let’s do it.

* * *

Since Jackson’s ostensibly coming over to organize and not for sexy times, I don’t kick out my roommates. And when he knocks on the door on Sunday afternoon, they’re all gathered in the living room.

Piper pauses whatever they’re watching on Netflix, and they all look at me expectantly.

“Seriously, guys?”

They give me innocent looks, blinking up at me like they’re not up to anything at all. Well, Piper and Ellie do. Dani just sort of glances up from her phone to see what my reaction is for.

---