Page 68 of The Love Playbook

Blinking, I stop to think about the question. I haven’t really considered what’s different this time versus any of the other short-term relationships I’ve had. This isn’t the first time I’ve fucked the same guy for a few weeks at a time. But they always end, I always do a releasing ritual, and I always move on. If I don’t find someone else right away, it’s because I don’t feel like it at the time, not because I’m still hung up on the last guy.

This time, though, I’m still very hung up on Jackson. As much as I want to pretend that everything’s normal, seeing him is painful. Not salt in the wound kind of painful either, because at least salt has healing properties.

No, seeing Jackson is like ripping off the scab and bleeding all over again.

“The difference,” I start slowly, articulating my thoughts out loud as they enter my head, “is that we were friends first. I already cared about him before anything happened between us. And I think”—I allow myself to look away now, crossing my arms and half turning to stare at my bookshelf—“I think the sex only made me care about him more. I’m used to having relationships that are only based on sex. And while I think the guy is fun or entertaining or interesting as a person, I don’t take the time to want more from him than physical release. But with Jackson, we had that connection prior to the physical one. And I think that’s why it’s harder to let it go.”

Ellie hums thoughtfully. “And why do you think you need to let it go?”

That question draws a snort from me. I know the answer to this one. “Because, Ellie. It would never work.”

“Why not?” The way she fires off the question, it seems like this is exactly what she’s been waiting for all along.

“Because. It wouldn’t. We’re too different. And besides, nothing ever does.”

That has her narrowing her eyes at me. “Nothing ever does, huh? So Simon and I are just … doomed? And Piper and Cal? Everyone?”

I lift my hands in a gesture of helplessness. But … “I mean … yeah.”

She stands there blinking at me for a long moment. “Wow,” she says at last, but it’s definitely not a good wow. It’s full of disappointment and disillusionment and frustration.

Nodding, I let my hands fall to my sides. “Yeah. Wow. It sucks. But this is the way the world is.”

She snorts and shakes her head. “I’m not agreeing with you. My ‘wow’ was about you. I don’t …” She looks away, her gaze flitting around my room, never resting in one place for long. “I don’t even know how to respond to that.”

“Really? Because everything ends eventually, Ellie.”

“Then why even push anyone together, Autumn?” She throws her hands in the air. “You don’t make any sense.Youwere the one pushing me at Simon. Remember?” She stabs her finger in my direction. “And last semester with Tiffany and Gray? You were the one trying to do whatever you could to push the two of them together, even when it really seemed like Tiffany wanted nothing to do with Gray.”

“That’s different.”

“How?”

We stare at each other for a long moment, her with her jaw lifted, her arms crossed, staring me down like she’s ready to fight. I’m trying to remain calm, but it’s difficult in the face of this interrogation. “It just is, okay? YouwantedSimon! Tiffany still had feelings for Gray, they were just layered over by anger, only her anger was misplaced. Between talking to her and Jackson’s insider info, I had a pretty good idea of what was going on. I just wanted what was best for everyone!”

“But you don’t deserve what’s best for you?”

“And who are you to decide what that is?”

Her eyes practically bug out of her head at that. “Who areyouto decide what’s best for everyone else?”

“I don’t! You guys tell me! If not outright with words, your actions demonstrate it clear as day.”

She starts laughing, but it’s that angry, frustrated laugh she does to stop herself from shouting. “And you don’t think your actions demonstrate how much you care about Jackson?”

“Even if I care about him, that doesn’t mean I want to be in a relationship with him!” I don’t bother trying not to shout.

“Why not?”

“Why bother! He’ll graduate and go play football somewhere, and I’ll be left miserable like you! Or he’ll decide he can’t handle”—I gesture wildly around my room and at myself—“all of this, and by then I’llreallycare about him and it will crush me. So no. It isn’t best for me to be in a relationship with Jackson no matter how much I care about him. And anyway, he thinks his feelings for me are deeper than they are because he doesn’t know any better. I’m the first girl he’s ever been with, so of course he would attach more significance to me—to us—than was ever merited. It’s normal. And he’ll get over it, find someone else, and fall in love for real.”

The longer I rant, the more Ellie’s face twists, morphing from sympathy to pity. “Oh, Autumn,” she says at last, her voice soft. “I didn’t realize.”

I’m not sure what she thinks she’s realized now, but I have a feeling it’s not what I’ve tried to explain. “Look, Ellie—”

But she holds up her hand and cuts me off as she moves to the door. “No, it’s okay. You don’t have to explain anymore. I get it. I do.” She pauses with her hand on the door, her lips pressed together as she looks at me, and I know she’s holding back whatever she wants to say. “Just … even if nothing lasts, even if you eventually break up, isn’t it worth the risk to experience the joy of the present?”

I open my mouth to respond—though what I intend to say, I have no idea—but she opens the door and disappears before any words come out, the door closing behind her with a quiet click.

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