Page 14 of Offsides

Does it mean anything?

Do I even want it to mean anything?

Yes … no … I don’t know.

And then he texted that he wanted to pretend it never happened!

I don’t even have to open my phone to read it. The text is burned into my brain.

Eli: Sorry I kissed you. Can we just pretend it didn’t happen?

How am I supposed to react to that?!

So here we are in this awkward dance. I was afraid to talk to him last week after the gym because I worried it would ruin our friendship. And here I am, ruining our friendship anyway.

Uggghhhhh.

After Eli pays, he stands at the end of the checkstand, leaning on his shopping cart full of grocery bags. I’m entirely conscious of his eyes on me as I interact with the cashier.

Once I’ve paid, I follow him outside, keeping my eyes on his back clad in a red hooded sweatshirt and black puffy vest and resolutely away from the way his joggers mold to his round, tight ass.

I’ve spent way too much time staring at that ass in the gym the last few years. It’s hard not to when he’s right in front of me doing squats or deadlifts. All the football players have delicious booties. That’s one of my favorite parts of working out with them.

Now, I’d never admit that out loud to anyone. Not even my roommates.

The automatic doors open, allowing in a whoosh of frosty air as we head into the night. There are patches of snow here and there where it got piled up around the edges of the parking lot and sidewalks, but it hasn’t snowed in a couple of weeks at least. It’s cold tonight, though, with frost showing on the edges of the windows and sparkling under the streetlights.

Eli turns to face me, shoving one hand into his pocket and clearing his throat.

I reflexively clear my throat as well. “Well, um, it was good bumping into you.”

He ducks his head in a quick nod. “Yeah, it was. I’ve missed you, D.”

Warmth fills my middle at his nickname for me. It’s not much of a nickname, really. But he’s the only one who’s ever called me that, and it’s always made me feel special.

“I’ve missed you too,” I confess. “I’m sorry for …”

He shakes his head. “I already told you no apologies. I do wish we could go back to normal, though? Is that … is that possible?”

My throat feels clogged, and I clear it again as I nod. “Yeah. Sure. Of course. I’d like that too.” I think. I mean, yeah. I want to be able to hang with Eli again and not have it be awkward. But some part of me wants him to kiss me again too. Just … not when I’m all dressed up. I want him to kiss me because we’re curled on his couch and watching a movie and the moment is right. Or I’m over playing video games and I win, so he gives me a celebratory kiss that maybe turns into … more.

But I don’t want to just be a hookup for him. And I’m not sure Eli wants more than that with anyone. And I’m afraid that asking about that would put us back into Awkwardville. Since we’re just stepping away from there, I don’t want to risk pushing us back to that place again.

Eli greets my agreement with a relieved smile. “Good. I’m so glad. I was—” He waves away whatever he was going to say. “I didn’t want to lose you, Dani.” Stepping around the carts, he wraps me in a hug. I bury my face in his sweatshirt, breathing in the mix of spice and clean laundry he always smells like when he’s freshly showered.

“I’ll call you,” he says as he releases me. “Game night is starting again next week. I expect you to be there.”

“Alright,” I agree with an easy smile. “I’ll be there.”

* * *

Eli and I resume texting, but things still aren’t quite back to normal. When my roommates inform me that Dylan Thompson, the second string safety, is hosting a Spring Semester Kickoff Party on Saturday night, I’m unaccountably anxious.

It’s ridiculous to be anxious. I’ve been to a million of these parties. And for the last year or so, I’ve shown up with Piper and Autumn and Ellie. We usually arrive as a group but go our separate ways. Ellie and Piper started dating football players last year, though their boyfriends have since graduated, so they usually stick together and have fun with whoever’s around. Autumn, of course, pairs off with Jackson for the most part. I usually end up either hanging with Eli or going home by myself.

I guess that’s the hangup, though, isn’t it?

Always before, I was equally okay with either of those options for ending the night. If I were having a rough time, Eli would forego a hookup to spend time with me and make me feel better.

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