Page 33 of Offsides

But she still hasn't responded except to stare at me with a blank look on her face. I clear my throat. “Was this a bad choice? Should I not have taken Autumn’s advice?”

Finally she gives me a small smile and reaches out to bump my shoulder with her fist. “No, this was a good choice. I get why Autumn suggested it. And why you would've thought it was a good suggestion.” She looks all around before refocusing on me. “It’s kinda overwhelming, though. If my sister were here, she'd know exactly what to get and the best brands and could give me a detailed list on why. But I was never that girl. I've always been this girl.” She gestures up and down her body, taking in her joggers, sneakers, and long sleeve T-shirt under her unzipped puffy coat. “I was the sporty girl, the tomboy. The son my father never had.”

Realization dawns like the sun breaking through the clouds. “Is that the deal? He was disappointed he got two daughters so he made you into a son.”

Dani’s face closes down, and she turns away, looking blindly at the display of makeup in front of her. Reaching out she touches a finger to one of the eyeshadow palettes. “Yeah,” she says softly. “Yeah, pretty much.” Sucking in a deep breath, she visibly shakes off whatever feeling that statement brought up, and turns to me with a smile. “But I've decided to be my own person now. And that means I don't have to be the son he never had anymore. I get to be me.” And then under her breath she adds, “Now I just have to figure out who that is.”

I don't think she intended for me to hear the last part, so I pretend not to. She pulls out her phone and glances at it again, then heads to a different part of the maze of makeup. She quickly selects a few more things, then gives me another forced smile and says, “Alright. I think I have everything I need for now. Let's go.”

I gesture for her to lead the way to the checkout counter, following behind her. I'm tempted to put my hand on her back again, but I don't. Not yet, anyway.

This is honestly going better than I expected. When we were at the grocery store a couple weeks ago, it felt so awkward even though we've grocery shopped together a million times. And this? Shopping in a store neither of us feels comfortable in? There are so many opportunities for it to have been horrible. Instead, it feels like we've made some breakthroughs. Or at least I've had some breakthroughs. Realizations of my own issues and shortcomings, as well as how those intersect with Dani’s issues.

I just figured she was one of those chicks who like football. They exist. I mean, her roommate Piper is a football fan. Although, to be fair, Piper is definitely more feminine than Dani has ever appeared. I guess I didn't realize that she felt forced into that role. And that maybe she didn't like it. But it's difficult, I would imagine, to break out of a familiar pattern. I feel like it would be a lot like when I was a freshman in high school and my coach made me play a new position. I had to relearn all the plays from a different angle. And it was really hard not to fall back into my old routes and instead stick to the new ones.

And when Dani attempted a new route like at karaoke night or at the party the other night, instead of encouraging her, I did the opposite. I made it harder for her to learn her new routes. Her chosen routes.

God, I'm such an ass.

At least I'm trying to be less of an ass now. Better late than never, right? At least it seems like I have a shot at salvaging our friendship at the very least. Because what I said to her was the truth. I don't want to lose her. I want more with her.

I guess the real question is, am I willing to risk the relationship we've had in order to achieve the relationship I really want?

* * *

I glance at Dani from the driver’s seat as we head back to her place. “So are you gonna wear all of that stuff for me sometime soon?”

She laughs, the sound unrestrained and happy. A welcome change from the tense smiles and silence since the conversation about her dad wishing she were a boy.

Shaking her head, she opens the plastic bag in her lap and peeks inside. “I don't know. The last time I wore makeup in front of you, you didn't seem too enthusiastic about it. What was it you said about that again?”

I groan. “You're never going to let me live that down, are you?”

Another laugh. “Maybe. But it might take a while.”

“What else can I do to make it up to you? Do you want me to do your makeup for you?”

She laughs even harder at that suggestion and shakes her head. “God, no. I think that might be worse than me trying to do it myself.”

“Who did your makeup before?”

“Who do you think?”

I glance at her out of the corner of my eye, pleased to see that she's still smiling. “Hmmm. If I had to guess, I think I'll say Autumn, at least that karaoke night. Your other roommates weren’t around then, after all. And if she did it the first time, I'm guessing you would be most comfortable with her doing it the second time too.”

“You know me so well.”

She says it as an off-the-cuff remark, but it warms me all the same. I do know her. Really well, in fact. But I'm also realizing that there's a lot more to her that I don't know. That I haven't bothered to try to know, even though I've been half in love with her for ages. I guess I kind of took our relationship for granted as well. I just assumed that she would always be around, that there's nothing that could ruin our relationship. I think, like her, I assumed she'd always be hung up on her high school boyfriend. So there was never any real risk of our friendship developing into anything more.

Which meant that I never actually tried to develop a relationship with anybody else either. Sure, I'd hook up sometimes. Dani did too, for that matter. When she and Luke were broken up. But since they always got back together, I never tried to turn our friendship into something more. I guess I never thought she would be receptive since I knew she still wanted to be with Luke.

The difference this time is that things with Luke seem to be over for real. I don't think she’d take him back even if he broke up with the other chick that he brought home for Christmas. At least I hope not.

But since I never actually expected to have a shot with Dani, discovering that she was actually available made me lose my head I guess. And so I kissed her.

I was upset when she didn't react positively right away. But I guess I can't really blame her. If the situation were reversed and I were the one in an on-again off-again relationship with a long distance high school girlfriend and she had a crush on me for years, never told me, and then kissed me out of the blue when I announced that my relationship was over for good? I don't know that I would've reacted any better than she did.

“But for real though,” I press. “What are you going to do with that makeup you bought today? If you don't know how to put it on, is Autumn always going to do your makeup?”

---